Answered by Ustadha Zaynab Ansari, SunniPath Academy Teacher
A girl and boy have been in a relationship for a few years now and intend on getting married to one another. They have always known that their relationship is not permitted in Islam but have not been able to part, however they have tried to follow all other rules of Islam. They have recently come close to commiting zina which has made them realise that they need to make big changes. Both of them want to seek forgiveness from Allah and practice Islam properly but they do not know how to because they are both young and still studying at college, their parents would not allow them to get married yet. The only other option for them would be to stop seeing each other. They would not know how to do this either because they have been so close and in love for so long now. Is there anything you could suggest? Keep in mind the boy and girl have realised their wrong-doing and want to repent.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
Dear Questioner,
I pray this message reaches you in the best of health and iman.
I appreciate your candor. Sadly, these kinds of situations occur all to often, with young people having to choose between college or marriage, often at the expense of their happiness and spiritual fulfillment.
My first piece of advice is for the young man and woman to observe the limits of Allah Most High. You have already stated that they have come close to zina. This realization should serve as a wake-up call. Allah Most High is calling their focus back to Him, and they are blessed to have the opportunity to repent before anything more serious happens.
Difficult as it is, the young people in question must stop seeing each other. This situation reminds me of something Imam Zaid Shakir recently said. When people are involved in improper relationships, shaitan makes it look okay. He’s happy when people are disobeying Allah and makes it look like it’s impossible to get out of the situation. On the other hand, when people try to do what’s halal (lawful) and correct, shaitan tries to throw obstacles in their path and whispers to them how hard it is to do the right thing.
Doing the right thing is not difficult if the young people put their minds to it. They should seek refuge in Allah from the whispering of shaitan, make sincere repentance, and resolve to take the necessary steps towards making the situation halal.
Sincere repentance, or tauba, consists of:
1. desisting from the sin;
2. regretting having sinned;
3. resolving to never again return to it.
One should also avoid the company of the person with whom one sinned, since there is the possibility that one may keep sinning if they keep the same company.
[Reliance of the Traveller, p77.2]
Both the young man and young woman need to take the above steps, regardless of what the other one decides to do.
Allah Most High promises the believers that He will forgive them if they turn to Him in sincerity. Allah Most High says, “O you who have attained to faith! Turn unto God in sincere repentance: it may well be that your Sustainer will efface from you your bad deeds, and will admit you into gardens through which running waters flow…[Al-Tahrim, 66:8]”
Allah the Exalted also says, “Say: ‘O you servants of Mine who have transgressed against your own selves! Despair not of God’s mercy: behold, God forgives all sins – for, verily, He alone is much-forgiving, a dispenser of grace!’ [Al-Zumar, 39:53]”
After they repent, then they need to stay away from each other. This is not a last resort; this is the only choice they have if they want to make good on their repentance. If they don’t want to end the relationship, they should consider the alternatives: falling into fornication, causing their families heartbreak, or the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy. Young people need to understand that being in love can have awful consequences when we don’t approach this love in the right way.
Why is marriage such an impossibility? Plenty of young people manage to get married and raise families while still in college. These people are an inspiration to all of us. Obviously, supportive parents are crucial. Have the young people gone to their parents? There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married while in college. They should make their case to their parents.
Keep in mind though that passion is not enough to sustain a marriage. The young people need to have a certain amount of emotional and spiritual maturity. They also need to understand the great responsibilities entailed by marriage. The young man needs to have adequate means to support a wife. The young woman also needs to realize that marrying a student will more than likely entail a very modest, simple lifestyle for the first few years.
Whatever they decide, I pray that Allah Most High guides them to the decision that is best for their religious and worldly concerns.
And Allah knows best.
Zaynab