Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: I caught my husband with pornography on his computer, and suspect he is having an affair with a woman on a dating website. When I confront him he gets angry. I am scared of being a single mother despite having a good job. What do I do?
Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahatmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray this finds you well. Dear sister, may Allah lift this tribulation from you.
Marriage
Allah Most High says: “O you who believe! Avoid much suspicions, indeed some suspicions are sins. And spy not, neither backbite one another. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would hate it (so hate backbiting). And fear Allah. Verily, Allah is the One Who accepts repentance, Most Merciful.” [Qur’an, 49:12]
I am sorry to hear that you have been suffering in your marriage. Your trial is a difficult one, but you can get through this with Allah’s help.
However, snooping into your husband’s phone and email is impermissible. Repent for doing that, and sincerely ask Allah to grant you and your husband healing.
Is there a trustworthy local scholar or community elder who can mediate a discussion between you and your husband? It is possible for marriages to survive emotional and even sexual infidelity, but it will take a lot of sincere forgiveness and work from both sides. Please see divorce as an absolute last resort, and not the first.
Istikhara
Please perform the Prayer of Guidance up til seven times about how to proceed. If Allah makes it easy for you to stay in your marriage (your husband agrees to counselling, you feel at ease with him again etc), then that is a sign for you to stay. If Allah makes it clear that leaving is better (your husband remains closed off to you, you are increasingly unhappy etc), then that is a sign for you to leave.
Perform the Prayer of Need and ask Allah to heal your hearts, remove your fear, and whatever else you wish.
Trust in Allah
Allah Most High says: “….And whoever fears Allah – He will make for him a way out And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah – then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a [decreed] extent.” [Qur’an, 65:2-65:3]
Being fearful of change is normal, especially when you have a toddler to care for. Read Surah Al-Waqiah regularly to remove the fear of poverty from your heart. Trust that you are already in good Hands.
Trust that Allah Almighty already provides for you and your child in every state. At this point in time, your marriage and your job are the means through which you are receiving sustenance. If your marital status changes, then your means of sustenance will change. However, Allah remains the Ultimate Provider.
You’ll need to adjust, but trust that nothing is impossible with Allah’s help. Don’t let fear of poverty stop you from making the right choice for you and your child. Make a decision which will benefit your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well-being, and that of your son.
Support
Abdullah-Muhaimin bin ‘Abbas bin Sahl bin Sa’d As-Saidi narrated from his father, from his grandfather, who said that the Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) said:“Deliberateness is from Allah, and haste is from the Devil.” [Tirmidhi]
Before you make a final decision, please consult a compassionate and culturally-sensitive counsellor. Share your fears, and learn how to manage them. It is permissible for you to expose your husband’s sins within the counsellor’s office, as she is there to help you, and is bound by confidentiality laws. Take as much as time as you need to.
Please reach out to your loved ones, but do so with tact and discretion. Do not expose your husband’s sins to them, as that is forbidden. They don’t need to know the details.
Please refer to the following links:
What Can Help Endure a Difficult Marriage Due to Financial Issues?
My Husband is Abusive, Irresponsible, and Doesn’t Practice Islam
A Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah
Wassalam,
Raidah
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani