I have a problem with my wife. She has been lying to me since a long time, but for some reason, I keep ignoring her lies. I have caught her major lies, with proof, and she has confessed she has lied.
Now, she is making a claim about something extremely serious, and I am very skeptical whether to believe her. Please help what I need to do to ensure she is not lying to me again?
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
The objective of Nikah does not revolve around lust and desire; rather, mutual understanding plays a vital role in a marriage. It is more important that the spouses get to know each other, adopt to the partners qualities and behavior so they may be a source of comfort and relief for each other. This may only be achieved when the trust is built within each spouse for the other. In order to achieve this, it is essential that a spouse does not record every mistake or error made by the partner. Such a bond must be built that the spouse would feel wrong about lying to you. These results will be seen when a person observes great patience and tolerance in the beginning of the marriage. After some time, this patience will yield great benefits and lead to a successful marriage.
Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam mentioned in a Hadith:
اسْتَوْصُوا بِالنِّسَاءِ، فَإِنَّ المَرْأَةَ خُلِقَتْ مِنْ ضِلَعٍ، وَإِنَّ أَعْوَجَ شَيْءٍ فِي الضِّلَعِ أَعْلاَهُ، فَإِنْ ذَهَبْتَ تُقِيمُهُ كَسَرْتَهُ، وَإِنْ تَرَكْتَهُ لَمْ يَزَلْ أَعْوَجَ، فَاسْتَوْصُوا بِالنِّسَاءِ
“Treat women nicely, for a women is created from a rib, and the most curved portion of the rib is its upper portion, so, if you should try to straighten it, it will break, but if you leave it as it is, it will remain crooked. So treat women nicely.”[1]
It is evident that it will be impossible to find a perfect wife. There will always be some shortcomings that you will have to put up with. It is important for you to realize that similar to your spouse, you too are a human being and have many shortcomings. Your wife may have also observed many things about you that she is not fond of, especially since woman are known to be more observant than men. However, she decided to stay with you and disregarded all the other men. If she is ready to put up with you, you must also make a similar effort. If there is a certain habit or quality of your wife that displeases you, then it is important for you to sit down with your wife and kindly discuss the matter while showing her utmost love and affection. Encourage her to be mindful of such things and let her know how you feel about such matters. Inshallah, she will come to realize her mistakes and make an attempt to fix them.
Imam Dhahabi Rahimahullah narrates an incident regarding Sayyidina Umar Radhiallahu Anhu in his Al-Kaba’ir:
It is reported that a man came to ‘Umar ibn Al-Khattab (radhiallahu anhu) to complain about his wife’s ill-temper. While he was waiting for ‘Umar to come out of his house, he heard ‘Umar’s wife scolding him and ‘Umar quietly listening to her, and not answering her back. The man turned around and started walking away, muttering to himself: “If that is the case with ‘Umar, the leader of the believers, who is famous for his uprightness and toughness, then what about poor me?!” At that moment, ‘Umar came out of his house and saw the man walking away. He called him and said, “What is it you want of me, O man?” The man replied: “O leader of the believers, I came to complain to you about my wife’s bad-temper and how she nags me. Then I heard your wife doing the same to you, so I turned around, muttering to myself, ‘If that is the situation of the leader of the believers, then what about me?’” ‘Umar replied, “O my brother, I bear with her because of her rights over me. She cooks my food, bakes my bread, washes my clothes, breast-feeds my child… and yet none of these are her duty; and then she is a comfort to my heart and keeps me away from forbidden deeds. Consequently, I bear with her.” The man said,“It is the same with me, O leader of the believers.”’ Umar said: Then, O my brother, be patient with her, indeed this life is short.[2]
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
AbdulMannan Nizami
Student Darul Iftaa
Chicago, IL, USA
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
[1] صحيح البخاري (4/ 133)
حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو كُرَيْبٍ، وَمُوسَى بْنُ حِزَامٍ، قَالاَ: حَدَّثَنَا حُسَيْنُ بْنُ عَلِيٍّ، عَنْ زَائِدَةَ، عَنْ مَيْسَرَةَ الأَشْجَعِيِّ، عَنْ أَبِي حَازِمٍ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ، قَالَ: قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ: «اسْتَوْصُوا بِالنِّسَاءِ، فَإِنَّ المَرْأَةَ خُلِقَتْ مِنْ ضِلَعٍ، وَإِنَّ أَعْوَجَ شَيْءٍ فِي الضِّلَعِ أَعْلاَهُ، فَإِنْ ذَهَبْتَ تُقِيمُهُ كَسَرْتَهُ، وَإِنْ تَرَكْتَهُ لَمْ يَزَلْ أَعْوَجَ، فَاسْتَوْصُوا بِالنِّسَاءِ»
صحيح مسلم (2/ 1091)
وحَدَّثَنَا أَبُو بَكْرِ بْنُ أَبِي شَيْبَةَ، حَدَّثَنَا حُسَيْنُ بْنُ عَلِيٍّ، عَنْ زَائِدَةَ، عَنْ مَيْسَرَةَ، عَنْ أَبِي حَازِمٍ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ، عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ: «مَنْ كَانَ يُؤْمِنُ بِاللهِ وَالْيَوْمِ الْآخِرِ، فَإِذَا شَهِدَ أَمْرًا فَلْيَتَكَلَّمْ بِخَيْرٍ أَوْ لِيَسْكُتْ، وَاسْتَوْصُوا بِالنِّسَاءِ، فَإِنَّ الْمَرْأَةَ خُلِقَتْ مِنْ ضِلَعٍ، وَإِنَّ أَعْوَجَ شَيْءٍ فِي الضِّلَعِ أَعْلَاهُ، إِنْ ذَهَبْتَ تُقِيمُهُ كَسَرْتَهُ، وَإِنْ تَرَكْتَهُ لَمْ يَزَلْ أَعْوَجَ، اسْتَوْصُوا بِالنِّسَاءِ خَيْرًا»
[2] وَقد رُوِيَ أَن رجلاً جَاءَ إِلَى عمر رَضِي الله عَنهُ يشكو خلق زَوجته فَوقف على بَاب عمر ينْتَظر خُرُوجه فَسمع امْرَأَة عمر تستطيل عَلَيْهِ بلسانها وتخاصمه وَعمر سَاكِت لَا يرد عَلَيْهَا فَانْصَرف الرجل رَاجعا وَقَالَ إِن كَانَ هَذَا حَال عمر مَعَ شدته وصلابته وَهُوَ أَمِير الْمُؤمنِينَ فَكيف حَالي فَخرج عمر فَرَآهُ مولياً عَن بَابه فناداه وَقَالَ مَا حَاجَتك يَا رجل فَقَالَ يَا أَمِير الْمُؤمنِينَ جِئْت أَشْكُو إِلَيْك سوء خلق امْرَأَتي واستطالتها عَليّ فَسمِعت زَوجتك كَذَلِك فَرَجَعت وَقلت إِذا كَانَ حَال أَمِير الْمُؤمنِينَ مَعَ زَوجته فَكيف حَالي فَقَالَ عمر يَا أخي إِنِّي احتملتها لحقوق لَهَا عَليّ إِنَّهَا طباخة لطعامي خبازة لخبزي غسالة لثيابي مُرْضِعَة لوَلَدي وَلَيْسَ ذَلِك كُله بِوَاجِب عَلَيْهَا ويسكن قلبِي بهَا عَن الْحَرَام فَأَنا أحتملها لذَلِك فَقَالَ الرجل يَا أَمِير الْمُؤمنِينَ وَكَذَلِكَ زَوْجَتي قَالَ عمر فاحتملها يَا أخي فَإِنَّمَا هِيَ مُدَّة يسيرَة
[الكبائر للذهبي، ص۱۷۹، دار الندوة الجدیدة]