I am a 21 year old brother and seeking a wife. Actually I have a sister in mind and she goes to my university. However it is summer now and I have to wait until September until I might see her again. I have not talked or communicated with her in anyway. But I have seen her a few times and I like her. My parents before about 2 years ago said you are going to get married when you?re 26 or 27. But I do not, I want to get married way earlier, in maybe a year. I have talked to them over the last 6 months about this and they somewhat have been agreeing, but they said how will you support her. I am working a lot right now, and plan to while going to university as well and I believe I will be able to support her. My parents said, ?well find the girl first, then we?ll see?. I have not told them about this sister though, because I?m afraid what they will say. I wanted to ask also, are brothers allowed to propose to a sister face to face (keeping the gaze down). If so what are the etiquettes and what is the best thing to say? Also my family does not really support the work of Tabligh, but I do. And I believe the sisters family supports Tabligh, so if I propose and she says yes, an then our parents have to meet, I don’t know if her parents will accept to be with a non-Tabligh parents, even though I engage in the work of Tabligh. I need your advise asap.
Jazakallah for writing to the institute.
You raise several issues which stem from your desire to get married. Alhamdulillah, You are of a marriageable age and your intentions are good.
I need to point out to you that you may have to weigh all your options first judging from what you write below. I get the impression that your parents may not be able to support you and your wife financially. Where do you expect her to stay? Will your parents go on paying your fees till you complete your studies? Why are you afraid of what your parents will say about this girl whom you hope to propose to? Do you think they will reject her? I note that when you told your parents that you have a desire to marry, they told you that they will find you a wife. Is there a likelihood that they will expect you to marry someone from your own village (back in India/Pakistan wherever you originate from),same language group, caste etc.? You have the additional fear that your parents and her parents may object due to the fact that her family are involved in the work of Tabligh whereas your family is not.
You may wonder why I ask these questions. We often have mail from young people who wish to marry but they meet with resistance from their families due to the above prejudices. Once the young man and woman have decided to marry, there is a lot of heartache and pain when parents refuse. I suggest that you put out feelers to your parents and let them know that you are interested in marrying a particular person but do not reveal her identity. Their reaction should help you to decide if it will be a good idea to approach the young lady’s family or not. I do not think it is a good idea to approach the girl herself. The kinder thing to do is to make sure you will be allowed to marry her before you make an approach to her parents. If they agree, then there is no problem in getting your parents to meet her parents. You could arrange this via mutual friends of both families, e.g. you could ask the leader of your Jamaat group or some other respected elder to approach her parents.
In the meantime, continue to go for the work of Tabligh, increase your recitation of the Quran, zikr, nafl salaah and increase your other good deeds. Perform tahajjud salaah every ‘night’ and ask Allah Ta’ala to grant you a pious wife. Note, not beautiful, or smart or with a high secular qualification. I am enclosing an article which I hope you will find useful. Do write if you wish to have further clarification and to answer some of the questions I have asked. May Allah Ta’ala guide you. Ameen.
and Allah Ta’ala Knows Best
CHECKED AND APPROVED: Mufti Ebrahim Desai