My question is how to deal with my husband who is verbally abusive to me and uses derogatory words to put me down in front of our children. I have been married for 13years alhamdulillah and ever since we had our fist child my husband belittles me and is verbally abusive to me infront of our children. If my children don’t listen to me he mocks me and jokes about it. My children don’t take me seriously and have started mimicking their father in mocking me. My husband always says to the children “where is your smelly mama” “what is fatty doing”. My children have started to call me fatty. I have spoken to my husband about how this hurts my fellings and how he should support me in disciplining and teaching our children. He says stop being a baby and grow up. If I make a mistake or I don’t listen to him he calls me a donkey, dog, and uses other derogatory words, which are very very hurtful, which I don’t want to say. I try so hard not to answer back and stay quite and walk away. But when I stay quite he is even more verbally abusive. All this happens infront of our children, which makes them see me as weak and someone to walk all over and not listen to. I have spoken to him so many times in private and have ended up crying but he doesn’t take it seriously. I don’t know how to get through to him Please help me and advise me, I’m stuck on how to make me feel comfortable again in my marriage.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.
As-salaamu `alaykum wa-rahmatullahi wa-barakatuh.
Sister in Islam,
We are sad to note the attitude and conduct of your husband.
You state you discussed the issue with him many times and you cannot get through him.
If you can make sabr and tolerate him, you will be rewarded. Turn to Allah with dua, zikr and salaah and beg Allah to change him.
If cannot make sabr, you may consider the following options;
Seek the intervention of an influential family member who will advise him and counsel him on the negative consequences of his conduct on you and the children. Furthermore, he should be warned about the sin of verbally abusing you. The following Ayaat and Ahadith may be shared with him;
Allah Ta`ala says in the Holy Qur`an;
{مَا يَلْفِظُ مِنْ قَوْلٍ إِلَّا لَدَيْهِ رَقِيبٌ عَتِيدٌ } [ق: 18]
“Whatever he utters, except that there is an angel there to record it.”(Suratul Qaaf, Verse 18).
{وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ} [النساء: 19]
“Live with them (your wives) with kindness” (Suratun Nisaa, Verse 19).
Rasulullah ﷺ said;
لَيْسَ الْمُؤْمِنُ بِالطَّعَّانِ وَلاَ اللَّعَّانِ وَلاَ الفَاحِشِ وَلاَ البَذِيءِ
سنن الترمذي ت بشار (3/ 418)
“A believer is not one who taunts, curses neither does he speak obscene nor uses foul language” (Sunan at Tirmidhi 3/418).
إِنَّ العَبْدَ لَيَتَكَلَّمُ بِالكَلِمَةِ، مَا يَتَبَيَّنُ فِيهَا، يَزِلُّ بِهَا فِي النَّارِ أَبْعَدَ مِمَّا بَيْنَ المَشْرِقِ
صحيح البخاري (8/ 101)
“A slave of Allah may utter a word without thinking whether it is right or wrong, he may slip down in the Fire as far away a distance equal to that between the east.” (Saheeh Bukhari, 8/101)
“خِيَارُكُمْ خِيَارُكُمْ لِنِسَائِهِمْ”
سنن ابن ماجه ت الأرنؤوط (3/ 148)
“The best amongst you are those who are best to their wives”(Sunan Ibni Majah 3/148).
فَاتَّقُوا اللهَ فِي النِّسَاءِ، فَإِنَّكُمْ أَخَذْتُمُوهُنَّ بِأَمَانِ اللهِ، وَاسْتَحْلَلْتُمْ فُرُوجَهُنَّ بِكَلِمَةِ اللهِ
صحيح مسلم (2/ 889)
“Fear Allah in regards to women! Verily you have taken them on the security of Allah, and intercourse with them has been made lawful unto you by the word of Allah”. (Saheeh Muslim 2/889)
If he still does not desist, you have a Shariah right to protect yourself against his abuse.
Almighty Allah says;
{وَجَزَاءُ سَيِّئَةٍ سَيِّئَةٌ مِثْلُهَا} [الشورى: 40]
“The recompense of evil is retaliation equal to it” (Suratush Shuraa, 40)
If he uses any derogative word against you as stated in the query, you may use the same words against him. That may surely anger him. However, he may realise the hurt he causes you. When he feels similar hurt he may contain himself.
We hope the above options will be useful. You may also forward this fatwa to your husband.
Turn to Allah and make dua that Allah put Barakah in the option you adopt.
And Allah Ta`ala Knows Best.
Hussein Muhammad.
Student Darul Iftaa
Arusha, Tanzania
Checked and Approved by:
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.