I grew up with an abusive mother and a loving father. My mom was always quick anger. She’s made it clear to me at a young age that she does not love me as much as my other siblings. From birth until 3 years old my uncle was my main caretaker, he was actually the one who named me at birth. From 3 years old until 5 years old I had my own nanny. My mom claimed to have been to busy with my siblings which is why she put me in the care of others.
Even at the age of 6 I just knew I didn’t have her love. At 13 years old my mom got mad at me because I couldn’t fix her gps system and yelled at me, telling me she hated me and she doesn’t know why Allah cursed her by giving her a child like me.
My mom has beaten me and verbally abused for as long as I can remember. She’s even beat me in front of friends and extended family members. I don’t know why she’s like this because her parents were extremely religious and they never yelled at her or hit her, but she became a terrible mother. I admit that I’ve made the mistake of arguing with my mom because I always feel like I need to defend myself.
Today, she told me she prayed to God that I do not go to heaven and that she does not have my forgiveness. I try my best to obey her, but I can’t take anymore abuse. I have depression and an anxiety disorder. My question is, can my mother prevent me from going to heaven and if I commit suicide because of how depressed I am will I stay in hell forever?
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
Jazaki-Allah Khairan for writing and mentioning the issues you are facing with your mother.
We acknowledge that the situation as described in your letter is unfortunate and difficult to bear, and if your mother has indeed treated you like this through no fault of your own then it is certainly not correct. A child deserves the love and attention of his/her father and mother.
You have mentioned that you try your best to obey her. Alhamdulilah, this is very good. Continue to do your best and don’t ever fall into the trap of thinking that your mother’s negligence in her duties gives you the right to treat her the same way.
You are her daughter no matter what and you have continue to fulfill her rights. Be kind to her and don’t argue with her. Regardless of how she treats you, make dua (supplication) for her and ask Allah to give you patience and the ability to fulfill her rights. Make it a habit to make dua regularly for yourself and for her.
The rewards that Allah gives to those who are kind to their parents are beyond imagination. Continue to read them regularly as this will help you build up the ability to continue being kind to her in spite of her actions. You can read about the rewards of kindness towards parents at the following link: http://www.askimam.org/public/question_detail/32474
At the same time, this does not mean that you should continue to take this abuse and not try to do anything about it. Rather, you should seek the assistance of other elders in your family such as your father, uncle or aunt and tell them what you’re going through. Insha-Allah they can initiate a discussion with your mother and help improve relations between you and her. Whenever you speak with her on your own, use prudence and wisdom and avoid hurting her feelings in any way.
Sister, everyone faces difficulties in life. Some struggle financially, some face crippling health issues, and some have very difficult relationships, and so on. Suicide is not the answer and a grave sin.
Your mother’s remarks and treatment are actually paving the way for you towards an easy entrance to Paradise, Insha-Allah so do not worry about what she says as long as you fulfill your rights towards her. You can only do what you have control over and what you have been commanded to do. Your mother’s remarks or feelings about you are not in your control and not your responsibility as long as you do your part.
We make dua that Allah give you the strength and courage to face this difficulty and get though it. Do not give in to your depression and do not ever think about suicide. Your family members love you and Insha-Allah in due time your mother will also change her attitude and her ways.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Sohail ibn Arif,
Student Darul Iftaa
Chicago, USA
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.