I fear that this will ruin our marriage

I have committed very bad sins and I’ve also made taubah. I’ve committed sins before I was married and I’ve continued my bad habits during my marriage. I love my wife and she loves me as well. However, the guilt within me is really making me upset. The sins that I’ve committed are such that I am ashamed of mentioning them. I used to receive oral pleasure from other sexes in the past before I was married and up till now, I’ve done so at 3 different times after I’ve been married.  My wife and I have been married for 5+ years now. I feel that a lot of times, when I ask her for time to have sex with, at certain times I receive a negative response from her and at times she says NO. I do remind her that she is not allowed to say no but then I also don’t want to force myself on her. Due to this fact, when she would say no to me, I would feel that she doesn’t love me and I would feel like committing a sin. I at times would be impatient with her and would need to release my stress/tension and that’s when I would go about to commit the sins that I mentioned above. Alhamdulillah, I’ve never committed intercourse with anyone else by my wife in my life but I am aware that my actions are horrible and it is a grave SIN. I’ve made sincere Taubah to Allah and I make dua that Allah Ta’ala protects me from these sins and actions. The question is that now my wife and I are deciding to start a family. Both of us are happy and excited but I have this severe guilt within me. Should I tell my wife about my sins and actions that I’ve committed during our marriage? I fear that this will ruin our marriage but I also feel that it’s her right to know how bad I am. My wife and I are both trying to be better persons in life. I am more patient with her in terms of sex and she also said that she will try NOT saying no to me most of the times. However the guilt is really bugging me. Therefore, should I inform my wife? Please help and advice. Jazakallahukhair.

Answer

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

It is praiseworthy that you have realised the wrong committed by you and you acknowledge the gravity of the sin. May Allah accept your taubah. Aameen.

In every human there are weaknesses. When a person or individual commits any sin and errs, he is not a doomed person. Rather, Shariah has shown us what to do and has left the door of taubah (repentance) open for him. This is the sheer Mercy of Almighty Allah Ta’āla. In many places Allah Ta’āla Himself has called His servants towards repentance. This has also been expounded in many Ahadith of our beloved Nabi ﷺ.

Repentance from every sin is compulsory. For your taubah to be valid there are three conditions:

1-     You must refrain from committing the sin

2-     You must express remorse over committing it.

3-     You must make a firm resolution never to return to that sin.

If any of these things is missing, your repentance will not be valid. Allah Ta’āla has concealed your sins and therefore there is no need to expose them [1] especially as it will ruin your marriage. Once you have sincerely repented it is time to move forward and forget the past. Allah Ta’āla is All Forgiving. It is highly recommended that you keep in contact with a reliable Shaykh for your spiritual reformation and progress.

You state you love your wife. True love will demand that you remain faithful to her despite her shortcomings. Her refusing to meet your demands could be due to many reasons. This does not mean you should indulge in Haraam and be worthy of the wrath of Allah. It is a trying moment in which you have to be firm and resolute. Masha-Allah you have been married for more than three years. This in itself is a sign that the marriage is working and could get better as it goes along. Her refusing to allow you in having intimacy relations maybe due to certain reasons. Therefore, you should allow her to express her feelings about it and work on the issues raised by her. You may adopt other means of getting her in having relations with you.

For further reading on such a topic you may refer to “ISLAMIC GUIDE TO SEXUAL RELATIONS” by Mufti Muhammad Ibn Adam Al-Kawthari.

https://www.uploady.com/#!/download/Dx1rwrug51F/SZByR57~OLkdyn3C

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

Safwaan Ibn Ml Ahmed Ibn Ibrahim  

Student Darul Iftaa
Limbe, Malawi

Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.

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رياض الصالحين ت الفحل (ص: 99))

وعنه، قَالَ: سمعت رَسُول الله – صلى الله عليه وسلم – يقول: «كُلُّ أُمَّتِي مُعَافَى إلاَّ المُجَاهِرِينَ (1)، وَإنَّ مِنَ المُجَاهَرَةِ أَنْ يَعْمَلَ الرَّجُلُ بِاللَّيلِ عَمَلًا، ثُمَّ يُصْبحُ وَقَدْ سَتَرَهُ اللهُ عَلَيهِ، فَيقُولُ: يَا فُلانُ، عَمِلتُ البَارِحَةَ كَذَا وَكَذَا، وَقَدْ بَاتَ يَسْتُرُهُ رَبُّهُ، وَيُصبحُ يَكْشِفُ ستْرَ اللهِ عَنْه». مُتَّفَقٌ عَلَيهِ. (2)

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(1) قال النووي في شرح صحيح مسلم 9/ 272 (2990): «هم الذين جاهروا بمعاصيهم وأظهروها، وكشفوا ما ستر الله تعالى عليهم، فيتحدثون بها لغير ضرورة أو حاجة

(2) أخرجه: البخاري 8/ 24 (6069)، ومسلم 8/ 224 (2990) (52)