Assalamu’alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh,
I met a girl with the Knowledge of her family and I was planning to marry her. She lives in a European country and she is a Muslim and wears hijab, alhamdullah. She met a man in a library in her country, and she and her friend agreed with him that he would teach them to read the Holy Qura’an and I did not object that at the time.
Then he began to talk to them about personal things, and that he wants to marry, although he is married already, he wants to have a second wife, and began to say that he can help them to search for good men to marry and he starts to ask about their personal lives and who they should marry to and the meetings start to take some sort of social style not merely learning how to read Qura’an lessons.
I told her that it is better to stop meeting with him, and find another way to learn the Qura’an, If that was actually the intention, and I explained to her that, as a man, I know things that she does not know because of my wide circle of acquaintances and wide wide experience that enables me to see what she does not.
She refused, she first said that she hints to him not to ask about their lives and stick to just teaching them but he didn’t and she said that it was hard for her to find someone else because she uses a wheelchair, and the masjid in the city where they live has an elevator but the person who has the key to the elevator is not always there.
I told her, she can find a lady and agree with to come to her house and teach her and her friend there or go to another lady house where sisters gather and teach each other Qura’an, and I made it clear there are so many other ways, and I don’t like her persistent to meet with this man particularly. she said that she doesn’t want anyone to control her life, and that she is not doing something wrong, and if I do not like it, it is up to me.
The way she insisted made it clear that, she choose this man over me, forced my hands to end my relationship with her because I want a wife that I can trust and she can preserve my honor in my presence and my absence, specially there was a time we met and talked about that and after we talked, she said alright I understand your point very clear, I thought that she meant she will stop it, but she didn’t, she continue to meet him and I knew by coincidence after that, she said that she didn’t tell me because I asked her that she shouldn’t mention this subject again with me.
Honestly, I felt like, she can’t be trusted as a wife, she wants to live her life as it pleases her, without regard to anything, and always say, I am not doing anything wrong and none should control me. I need to say that during the time I knew her, this was the only time ever, that I insisted she has to not do something.
I feel so bad about this whole situation because I really loved her and wished her to be my wife, My question is, was I too hard on her to ask her to stop meeting with this man, and if we are married, does a man has the right to ask his wife things like that, and does such things fall within the scope of women’s obedience to her husband in Islam. Jazāk Allāhu Khayran
Wa’alaykum as Salam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,
Firstly, it is not permissible for a strange man to teach a female Islam in seclusion. The harms of this can clearly be seen in this case.
Secondly, just as it was not permissible for a ‘teacher’ to speak to her, in the same way, it is not permissible for you to speak to her. You cannot maintain any contact with a strange girl. In Islam, there is no concept of fiance. Until you actually get married, you remain as strange to each other, and you cannot keep contact with each other. You are not yet married, and you do not have any rights of a husband.
In verse 32 of Surah al-Isra, Allah Ta’ala said,
وَلَا تَقۡرَبُواْ ٱلزِّنَىٰٓۖ إِنَّهُ ۥ كَانَ فَـٰحِشَةً۬ وَسَآءَ سَبِيلاً۬
“And do not even go near to adultery. Indeed it is immodest and an evil way.” (Surah Al-Isra, Verse 32)
In a narration of Sahih Ibn Hibbaan, the Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) said,
الْعَيْنَانِ تَزْنِيَانِ، وَاللِّسَانُ يَزْنِي، وَالْيَدَانِ تَزْنِيَانِ، وَالرِّجْلَانِ تَزْنِيَانِ، وَيُحَقِّقُ ذلك الفرج أو يكذبه (صحيح ابن حبان – (10/ 267)
“The eyes commit adultery, the tongue commits adultery, hands commit adultery, legs commit adultery and the private parts will either commit [the actual act of] adultery or it will not commit it.” (Sahih-Ibn-Hibbān 10/267)
We advise you to break of all contact with this girl. If this girl is destined for you, Allah will unite you two with marriage. And, probably she might not be compatible, but because of fearing Allah, Allah will bless you with someone better.
Continuously make Dua that Allah blesses you with someone who is pious. Amongst the first things a person should search for in a potential spouse is piety and good charachter.
And Allaah Ta’aala knows best
Ismail Moosa (Mufti)