Answered by Ustaadha Bint Salih
Asalamoaleikoum shaykh. I still live with my difficult mother. I’m 19. I’m having numerous problems with my mother since Allah guided me Alhamdullilah, nevertheless I want to emphasise in one in particular. My mother does not wear hijab and she is quite westernized, so to speak. She has a behaviour that she does not want to be noticed or to be spotted among the citizens, so she imposes this behaviour to me. Almost all the clothes I want to wear she dislike them. I’m not talking about the qamis only, in fact, if I were to go out here i Spain wearing the qamis, perhaps she would commit suicide or something grave would happen, and Allah knows best. My mother often gets angry with me because the trousers I wear. I don’t like and I don’t want to wear jeans and so on, but I like to wear other style of pants that fit under the qamis while praying, let’s say qamis pants. Whatever pant I buy she does not let me wear it and she dislike it. What should I do shaykh should I obey her or not? Also shaykh, I’ve asked this questions to many shaykhs and I get reply from both sides, obey her and other saying you’re not obliged to obey he rin this matter, and I’m following the one that it is not obliged to obey her in such matter, but whenever I wear what I want and she gets very angry my heart does not feel good. Shaykh, take in consideration that I try to bir my mother from other angles, helping her, buying presents, etc. I wait for your advice in sha Allah shaykh.
Firstly, I completely sympathise with your situation and pray that Allah eases your affairs
Allah states in the Holy Quran:
‘And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], “uff,” and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.’
(Surah BaniIsrail, Verse 23)
‘And we have enjoined on man goodness to his parents, and if they contend with you that you should associate (others) with me, of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them, to me is your return, so I will inform you of what you did.’
(Surah Ankaboot, Verse 8)
Abu Huraira reported that a person said:
Allah’s Messenger was aked, who amongst the people is most deserving of my good treatment? He said: Your mother, again your mother, again your mother, then your father, then your nearest relatives according to the order (of nearness).
(Sahih Muslim, The Book of Virtue, Enjoining Good Manners, and Joining of the Ties of Kinship, Hadith 2548).
The Shariah has stressed on the importance of respecting parents (and in particular ones mother) and treating them with kindness. However, Islam allows for one to go against the orders of ones parents if it is contrary to the commandments of Allah and the teachings of Prophet Muhammad . In such case, one will not be sinful, but in fact rewarded for remaining steadfast on his religion.
In, regards to your situation, you should try and explain to your mother and if she does not understand, try and get an elder or a respectable figure such as the local Imam etc to try and make her realise. In the meantime you must not be harsh or disrespectful to her and always pray to Allah to change her heart and bring her onto guidance.
At no point should you compromise your faith and fall into sin for the pleasure of your mother.
Only Allah knows best.
Ustaadha Bint Salih.
Checked and Approved by Mufti Mohammed Tosir Miah