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I can’t control my anger.Please let me know any practical and logical way to overcome this problem

Answered as per Hanafi Fiqh by Askimam.org

I am in a deep trouble of getting out of self control in anger. I have tried many ways to control it but nothing really worked. I have heard the Hadith to drink water and sit if you are standing and lay down if you are sitting but unfortunately didn?t work for me. I tried to convince myself at the time of anger that I will take action but not now thinking that it might will go away as time passes but it doesn’t really goes until I take it out. I have had many losses because of this habit but can’t really control it. Please let me know any practical and logical way to overcome this problem

Answer

In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful

Assalaamu `alaykum waRahmatullahi Wabarakatoh

Jazakallah Khair for writing to the institute regarding your difficulty in dealing with your foul temper.

Does the word ‘foul’ strike a bell?You say you have suffered many losses due to your bad temper. This means you are already aware of the repercussions of giving in to your nafs and allowing shaitaan to control you and your life. It is not for nothing that we have been told that anger comes from shaitaan. You also realise that slowly but surely you are becoming a loser.

It is good that you have reached the stage where you realise that your temper is a major problem for you and those around you. I may have already raised your ire by the use of some words in describing your negative emotion. This is something you have to understand. The world out there does not pander to our needs, moods and tantrums. It is up to us to make a go of our life. We have to also take responsibility for our actions and words.

There is not point in saying, “so and so said/did this and made me angry”. Anger is the emotion you choose to respond to in any given situation. Nobody tells you to choose “angry”. You could choose to walk away, ask a question, assert yourself in a positive way or ask for clarification, etc. It is inevitable that everyone of us will meet with failure, disaster, difficulties, obstruction and frustrations in reaching our goals. How we deal with each of these is what defines (our intelligence, ability to adapt and) our growth as individuals. Unwarranted anger at trivial difficulties or frustrations is a sign of weakness. It is also a sign of a bully. It often happens that when one cannot get one’s way, one gives in to a tamper tantrum. This could be learned behavior since childhood. If one has either observed a significant role model behaving in this way and getting away with it, or if one was allowed to have tantrums in childhood and was rewarded for them. You have identified your ‘anger’ as being detrimental to your daily functioning and that you need to change it. You now have to identify where your problems lie.

As long as you do not deal with why you handle real life situations in a regressive manner, you will not be able to start changing your behavior. This means you have to take a hard look at what makes you a ‘nasty’ person. Deal with and sort out the baggage you are carrying with you. It could be something that has been with you for a lifetime, or maybe something that has come up in recent years. If it means getting professional (psychological) help to come to a positive resolution then I suggest you take that route. Do remember that there is no substitute to sincerely turning to Allah Ta’ala for His guidance and help. How about fasting often and observing the rule of saying nothing mean nor losing your temper whilst fasting? Perform frequent nafl salaah and seek Allah Ta’ala’s help in overcoming this weakness. Reveal your helplessness in dealing with this problem to Allah Ta’ala and ask Him to help you to overcome it. Increase istighfaar, zikr and tilaawat of the Quran with meaning so that you can understand exactly what is required of you as a Muslim.

Pride could be another factor which could be driving your anger. You know, the attitude that, “I am always right and others are fools or idiots” or ” I know what I am talking about……….” etc. You also need to take other people into consideration. How about a real hard look at how you behave and how others see you ( without the attitude of “I dont care what others think or say”).

Make a list of your last 10 encounters with people where you lost your temper. Note what led to your loss of temper, how the others reacted to you and how you were left feeling after the encounter. How do you think the other person saw you? Did you leave them with feelings of hurt, resentment or worse?How often have you had positive thoughts about others and how many negative thoughts? Remember that to be loved and accepted, you have to accept and love too. You also have to be make yourself ‘acceptable. By this I mean that people can reciprocate your negative and positive behaviour.

So if you reject them, they may reject you. If you shout, scream and behave aggressively, this is how they may respond to you too. And so on it goes……..we do not exist in nor behave in a vacuum. We need to be aware of our actions and how they impact on others. “The recompense of goodness is goodness”. Allah Ta’ala will put the love of you into the hearts of others if your heart is filled with the love of Allah Ta’ala. This means that if you endeavor to respect and honour other human beings, you will be fulfilling the rights of your fellow human beings over you. Every human being, no matter what position they hold in society, their age or sex.

Everyone deserves respect, justice and fair treatment. When one constantly responds to others with anger and meanness, one is potentially usurping this right others have over one. Most certainly Allah Ta’ala cannot be pleased with such a person. Most certainly the forgiveness of the abused person is required in this case as Allah Ta’ala will not forgive a transgression against another. You may write again if you wish.

May Allah Ta’ala guide you and help you to remove your emotions from the clutches of shaitaan. Ameen.

And Allah Ta’ala knows best.

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Mufti Ebrahim Desai

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