Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question:
In Islam, what happens if my wife won’t let me have sex with her for six months?
Answer:
Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration, and I pray that you can resolve this issue with her, fulfilling mutual rights in the best way and with an open mind for mutual satisfaction.
Intercourse
I don’t want to be overbearing and give you a black and white answer that a woman should not refuse her husband, for there are many areas of gray in between. I can tell you that marriage is meant to produce chastity, to aid one in overcoming temptation, and is meant for supporting one another in love and fulfilling each other’s needs. Please see this beautifully detailed answer about that purpose :
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/im-fearful-islam-causing-depression-can/
Discussion
That being said, one cannot force one’s wife to sleep with him, nor can even a judge of an Islamic court force her to do so. This requires a deep uncovering and healing of a troubled marriage, and you will have to put in some effort and sacrifice to figure out what her impediments are. Try communicating with her about the following things first:
-Is she sick, unwell, or is intercourse painful?
-Does she fear pregnancy? Can you both visit a doctor to discuss contraception?
-Is she tired from the daily duties and tending to the children?
-Is she uncomfortable with her self-image and prefers that you not see her uncovered?
-Is she angry with you for not being kind and helpful? Do you abuse her in any way?
-Are there more serious problems at play, like some kinds of addiction?
-Explain to her how you feel without attacking her. Instead of telling her that she will go to hell for holding out, tell her that she is beautiful and lovely and that you can’t think of anything but being with her. This is more likely to get results.
Healing the marriage
To heal the marriage, you will both need to put in the effort, although you might have to do it first. Get to know her, be humble, be tender, observe her, have patience, and have the courage to face a new problem. Start from scratch, and please use all of the following resources and share them with your wife:
https://academy.seekersguidance.org/enrol/index.php?id=154
https://academy.seekersguidance.org/enrol/index.php?id=282
https://seekersguidance.org/articles/marriage-articles/a-guide-to-marriage-seekersguidance-reader/
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X
More tips
Here are some valid complaints that affect a woman’s attraction to her husband, so pay heed:
1) He doesn’t smell good: Women are super sensitive to smell, especially when fertile, so brush your teeth, shower before bed AND in the morning, and you’ll increase you will increase your chances.
2) He is not aggressive enough. Don’t just lay around. Women like to get up and go! They like energy! If they see you lying around watching TV, they do not want to jump on anything but the computer.
3) He doesn’t help with housework. Helping with housework frees your wife up to get relaxed and be more excited to be with you.
4) He is boring: Every conversation is small talk about the mundane. If you want your wife to undress on purpose, for you, ask her some deep questions.
5) He engages in rude behavior: These things disgust women, burping, passing gas, making misogynistic or dirty jokes. Instead have some finesse, by her some flowers for instance
6) He doesn’t notice anything. If your wife changed her hair color, wore make-up, lost 10 pounds, or started dressing up, and you didn’t mention anything, she secretly begins to resent you. Scan her in the morning. If she looks good, tell her so.
7) He is really negative. Don’t nag her or patronize her if she does something wrong.
8) He doesn’t support her in public: Never make fun of your wife in public or private. That kind of joking is heartless and a turn-off.
9) He doesn’t care about his looks: Are you 20 pounds overweight and wear clothes your wife hates? Everyone likes to be physically attracted to their partner. Perhaps ask her what she might like you to change about yourself.
Allah
Last but not least, turn to Allah with your problems, supplicate for a solution, ask for your heart to be opened to your wife, give charity with the intention of facilitating this matter, and ask Him to guide you and improve you with this experience. Ask Him to safeguard you from the haram.
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.