Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I struggle with judging my actions when it comes to my parents. I’m the only child and I have no one to confide in. The only one I could confidently rely on is Allah.
And I start to question where I stand with Allah because of my relationship with my parents. I know the importance of their rank and I do listen to my parents but when I get angry I raise my voice. I recognize this issue and have been dealing with it.
They make it seem like I’m always 100% wrong and that the child is never right. I’ve been hurt by them both so much to the point that I’m beginning to resent my father, but not my mother. I need guidance.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you are dealing with parents who cannot see things your way, this is part of the difficulty of being an only child. May Allah make it easy for you and may you both find mercy in your hearts for each other.
Dealing With Parents
You are not a bad person for respectfully standing up to your parents. Raising your voice is out of the question. When you speak to them, do so calmly, and if you can’t, leave the room. Come back when you are calm. Try silence and try listening well. Think about things for a while instead of being quick to respond. Anger can slow down with age but if you don’t make a concerted effort, it can get worse with age.
Most importantly, heed the Prophet’s advice, (Allah bless him and give him peace). Abu Huraira reported, “A man asked the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) to give him advice, and he said, (Allah bless him and give him peace), ‘Do not get angry.’ The man repeated that several times and he, (Allah bless him and give him peace), replied (every time), ‘Do not get angry.’ [Bukhari]
Something New
It seems to me like you need a combination of spending some time away from them and character-building. Bad habits can be broken.
I recommend traveling, going away to study, or enrolling in a program where you can find yourself and develop yourself. Make a routine that is good for your mind, body, and soul, something that consists of daily worship, gaining sacred knowledge, exercising and fresh air, and studying or work where you develop yourself.
Don’t spend too much with your parents, but use your time with them for service, physical help and keep conversations short.
People
I am very concerned about you mentioning that you have no one other than your parents. Relationships with people are very important, they ground one, they help one see beyond oneself and they help one understand priorities and they lend support. Please make an effort to befriend people at school, at work, and at your local mosque. You should have a relative, friend or even local imam in your life who helps you navigate your issues and who can sometimes act as a buffer between you and your parents.
Asma’ bint Yazid reported that the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), said, “Shall I tell you who is the best of you?” “Yes,” they replied. He said, “Those who remind you of Allah when you see them.” He went on to say, “Shall I tell you who is the worst of you?” “Yes,” they replied. He said, “Those who go about slandering, causing mischief between friends in order to separate them, and desiring to lead the innocent into wrong action.” [Tabarani, Al-Mu‘jam al-Kabir]
Turn to Allah
In the meantime, turn to Allah in your distress and need. Pray on time, pray the Prayer of Need, supplicate for clarity, peace, and positivity, give regular charity as that eliminates problems, and ask Allah to give you patience. Allah Most High has told us, “O believers! Seek comfort in patience and prayer. Allah truly is with those who are patient.” [Quran, 2:153] Approach your parents with patience, kindness, and mercy, and by Allah’s grace, they will treat you the same way.
Related:
What Constitutes Disobeying One’s Parents (‘Uquq al-Walidayn)?
Am I Wrong to Not Want to Speak with My Parents?
Can I Hate My Father?
How Can I Discuss Things With My Irrational Father?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani