I am 19 years old and am really trying very hard to be religious and follow the deen and live a pure life close to Allah. I also try my best to go in jamath and stick with the 5 amaal. I feel like now it is time that I am ready to be married. I’ve matured a lot and have become much more responsible with my time. Unfortunately I have a very big problem with masterbating and am really trying very hard to stop however I just cant do it, especially in this age and with dirty things on Internet so easy to access I’m having very hard time controlling myself. I always repent but fall back into sin. My questions is two parts.
1)since I am in university a lot of my time goes into studies. Due to this I feel like I won’t be able to give the time to my wife she deserves. Will this not be fulfilling the right of marriage or is this just shaitan? Alhamdulillah there is no problem with providing food/ shelter my parents are well off and would be willing to support her.
2)What is the best way to approach my parents and ask them about marriage? How should I discuss this with them? They are pious and connected with tabligh alhamdulillah but I still feel due to culture they may be against the idea.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
It is encouraging to note your zeal for living out a pure life according to the teachings of our Dīn. May Allāh Ta`ālā grant you steadfastness in His path. Āmīn.
First and foremost, masturbation is a very great sin and is detrimental to one’s spiritual connection to Allāh the Almighty. It is important for you to desist from such an act and repent to Allāh Ta`ālā for committing such a sin. We highly recommend that you also read the following two articles regarding this issue:
http://www.askimam.org/public/question_detail/22005
http://www.askimam.org/public/question_detail/19883
Now we shall tend to answer your specific queries:
1) As you have stated before, you are having problems controlling your desires and it is further leading you to commit a harām act. At such times, if you have the means to marry then it is incumbent on you to do so[1] as the Messenger of Allāh (sallallāhu `alayhi wa sallam) is reported to have said:
«مَنِ اسْتَطَاعَ البَاءَةَ فَلْيَتَزَوَّجْ، فَإِنَّهُ أَغَضُّ لِلْبَصَرِ، وَأَحْصَنُ لِلْفَرْجِ، وَمَنْ لَمْ يَسْتَطِعْ فَعَلَيْهِ بِالصَّوْمِ، فَإِنَّهُ لَهُ وِجَاءٌ»
He who can afford to marry should marry, because it will help him lower his gaze, and protect his chastity; and he who cannot afford to marry is advised to fast, as fasting is a shield for him (against committing indecency).[2]
While you are busy in studying knowledge of the dunyā’, you must also be weary of things that are affecting your ākhirah. By refraining from marriage, you are letting worldly affairs affect the affairs of your afterlife.
Furthermore, if you decide to marry, you must learn to prioritize your schedule and give some time to your wife as well. You must take heed by making a small sacrifice to save yourself from a greater evil. If through marriage your wife provides you a way to secure yourself from sin, then you must repay her by at least allotting a small portion of your time for her.
Nevertheless, you should not let such thoughts hinder you from marriage as this is simply a plot of Shaytān to drag you deeper into sin.
2) Marriage is a decision that requires careful consideration and consultation with your elders. In matters such as this you must confront your parents directly and kindly express your intentions to them. If you fear that due to culture your parents may respond in the negative, then you must try your best to politely explain to them that refraining from marriage is having a negative impact on your Dīnī affairs. If you fail in convincing them, then you should contact a local `ālim in the area or a senior who holds influence over your parents and explain the situation to him so that he may be able to help you in convincing your parents to change their decision.
All in all, you must make abundant du`ā’ to Allāh Ta`ālā and seek His help for He is the Master of all of our affairs.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Bilal Mohammad
Student Darul Iftaa
New Jersey, USA
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
[1] [قال الحصكفي] (وَيَكُونُ وَاجِبًا عِنْدَ التَّوَقَانِ) فَإِنْ تَيَقَّنَ الزِّنَا إلَّا بِهِ فُرِضَ نِهَايَةٌ وَهَذَا إنْ مَلَكَ الْمَهْرَ وَالنَّفَقَةَ، وَإِلَّا فَلَا إثْمَ بِتَرْكِهِ بَدَائِعُ
[قال ابن عابدين] قُلْت: وَكَذَا فِيمَا يَظْهَرُ لَوْ كَانَ لَا يُمْكِنُهُ مَنْعُ نَفْسِهِ عَنْ النَّظَرِ الْمُحَرَّمِ أَوْ عَنْ الِاسْتِمْنَاءِ بِالْكَفِّ، فَيَجِبُ التَّزَوُّجُ، وَإِنْ لَمْ يَخَفْ الْوُقُوعَ فِي الزِّنَا
(رد المحتار علي الدر المختار، ج ٣، ص ٦، ايج ايم سعيد كمبني)
[2] Bukhārī, 1905, The Book of Fasting