I need Islamic guidance regarding my marital life. I am wife of a third son of the family and observe sharaee purdah alhamdulillah. both my brothers in law with thier wives and kids and both my parents in law live in the same ohouse with us. we are financially stable and live in a good area. Alhamdulillah. My mother in law and the daughters in law of this house including me dont get along at all. she has a different sense of routine and life. we have small kids. she wants us to keep doing her chores all day. we all have extremely young kids… i have a eleven month old my bhabhi has a five month old and the eldest bhabhi is expecting her third.. it is getting extremly difficult to please her.. when things are not done as to her liking she yells and misbehaves. she curses and uses swear words. she really really misbehaves. and when our husbands come home she tells them everything tenfolds. she exaggerates to the extreme and lies alot. i assure u im writing this with all honesty. with not a drop of exaggeration. she misunderstands everythng and insults us infront of everyone.. strangers friends neighbours alike. she even has her daughters stopped talking to us. the environment of our house has gone from bad to worse ever possible. i am helpless.
my husband tells me to do as she says and please her at all times. he has even asked me to keep my bedroom door open in the afternoon. he believes all she says. ive asked him for a seperate residence. it is v evident that we (Daughters in law) cant eep her happy. i assure u v have tried everything. being polite and love able, taking ccare, every possible thing. and v have also misbehaved when things go too far. i dont know what to to do .. please guide me according to shariah. and how i should act.
jazakAllah
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
We offer our sympathies at the unfortunate situation you describe in your question. Taking care of a child is very demanding and stressful without the added burden of looking after the needs of your mother-in-law. Moreover, it would be difficult to observe the strict conditions of Shar‘ī purdah when your brothers-in-law are living under the same roof. Rasūlullāh (sallAllāhu ‘alayhi wasalam) stressed the dangers of unlawful interaction between a woman and her brother-in-law. He (sallAllāhu ‘alayhi wasallam) said to the men:
إياكم والدخول على النساء
“Beware of entering upon womenfolk.”
Someone asked specifically about the brother-in-law, and he replied:
الحمو الموت
“The brother-in-law is death.”
Meaning, because people are generally relaxed in the laws of purdah with respect to the brother-in-law, it is much easier to engage in sin with him than any other non-related man.
It will be advisable to speak with your husband to demand a separate residence on these grounds.
With regards to what the wife is entitled to in the Sharī‘ah as far as residence and accommodation is concerned, this is dependent on the wife’s background and the husband’s financial situation:
- If the wife comes from an affluent family and the husband is financially well-off, he must provide her with a fully separate lodging.
- If she is from an average background and he is financially stable, his obligation is to give her a separate room, together with a kitchen and bathroom that is not shared by any of his family members.
- If both spouses come from poor backgrounds, his obligation is only to provide one room, and it is not necessary to provide separate facilities like a bathroom and kitchen.[1]
You may also suggest hiring a maid to take care of the chores. In the meantime, it may be advisable to agree on a rota with your sisters-in-law for the chores of the house so that no one is overly burdened.
Finally, in spite of any perceived mistreatment and abuse from your mother-in-law, always try to remain polite and courteous and observe patience. Observe full etiquette and never retaliate in an inappropriate manner. In this way, inshā Allāh, Allāh will open up a solution for you. Allāh Ta‘ālā says:
ومن يتّق الله يجعل لّه مخرجا، ويرزقه من حيث لايحتسب، ومن يّتوكّل علي الله فهو حسبه
“Whosoever fears Allah (by observing His commandments), He will make a way out for him. And he will provide him from where he did not imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him.” (65:3)
We make du‘ā Allāh Ta‘ālā grants you ease and alleviates your difficulties.
And Allah Ta‘ālā Knows Best
Zameelur Rahman
Student Darul Iftaa
UK
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
[1] أحسن الفتاوى (ج٥ ص٤٧٦) ونقل عن التنوير: وكذا تجب لها السكنى في بيت خال عن أهله وأهلها بقدر حالهما وبيت مفرد من دار له غلق كفاها. وفى الشرح: زاد فى الإختيار والعيني: ومرافق، ومراده لزوم كنيف ومطبخ، وينبغى الإفتاء به. بحر…وفى الشامية: أي بيت الخلاء وموضع الطبخ بأن يكونا داخل البيت أو فى الدار لا يشاركها فيهما أحد من أهل الدار. وينبغي أن يكون هذا من غير الفقراء الذين يسكنون فى الربوع والأحواش بحيث يكون لكل واحد بيت يخصه وبعض المرافق مشتركة كالخلاء والتنور وبئر الماء…وهذا موافق لما قدمناه عن الملتقط من قوله اعتبارا فى السكنى بالمعروف إذ لا شك أن المعروف يختلف باختلاف الزمان والمكان فعلى المفتي أن ينظر إلى حال أهل زمانه… (أحسن الفتاوى، ج٥ ص٤٧٦)
قوله: وبيت مفرد إلخ. حاصله أنه يكفي لها بيت واحد مشتمل على بيوت كثيرة، بشرط أن يكون مفردا عن البيوت الأخر، أي منحازا ومنفصلا عنها بحيث لا يتضرر بمرور سكان البيوت الأخر عليها، تقتدر على حفظ متاعها، وقضاء حوائجها
قال فى البزازية: أبت أن تسكن مع أحماء الزوج وفى الدار بيوت، إن فرغ لها بيتا له غلق على حدة، وليس فيه أحد منهم لا تتمن من مطالبته ببيت آخر انتهى.
وفى البدائع: لو أراد أن يسكنها مع ضرتها أو مع أحمائها كأمه وأخته وبنته، فأبت فعليه أن يسكنها في بيت مفرد لأن إباءها دليل الأذى والضرر، ولأنه يحتاج إلى جماعها ومعاشرتها في أي وقت يتفق، ولا يمكن ذلك مع ثالث، حتى لو كان فى الدار بيوت وجعل لبيتها غلقا على حدة، قالوا: ليس لها أن تطالبه آخر انتهى.
…عن المجتبى: إن الدار اسم لما يشمل على الصحن والبيوت والصفة والمطبخ والإصطبل، والمنزل ما يشمل على بيوت ومطبخ ومستراح دون الصحن، والبيت اسم لمسقف واحد له دهليز. انتهى.
…وذكر فى الفتح والبحر: إنه ينبغي أن يكون المطبخ واكنيف داخل البيت أو فى الدار ولا يشاركها أحد فيهما من أهل الدار لأن المقصود لا يحصل إلا به (عمدة الرعاية، دار الكتب العلمية، ج٣ ص٥٥٢)