My mother feels lonely so me and my wife live separately.

– I got married about 5 years back and had to move to my mother a couple of years back as my grand mother passed away and my mother got lonely.

– My wife and I stay away from each other as she is taking care of her parents.

– We are in two differenct cities which are an overnight journey from each other. We visit each other once in two weeks (sometimes even less).

– My wife’s parents are much older and need some support for their daily routines.

– My wife has an older sister who is very busy with her family and cannot spend much time with her parents to take care of them.

– My mother is not very old, but I stay with her as she is very lonely.

– My mother does not want to move with me to my wife’s city as she has all her relatives and friends here.

– My mother’s brother and sister stay next to our house in my city, but are usually busy with their daily life.

– My wife does not want to move to my city as she wants to take care of her parents.

– My mother wants my wife to come and live with us here in our city.

Question 1:

Is my wife required to come and live with me in my city with me even though her parents need her support? Or should I be moving to her city so that we can take care of her parents together as they are old?

Question 2:

Should I be trying to convince my mother to move with me? Or should I let her be in her city? Though I do not feel good that I have to leave her alone here, she does not want to come with me. She says I can go and live with my wife, but I know that she does not like the idea deep inside her heart (I can make out from the way she says it).

OR

Should I let my mother be in her city and I move to my wife’s city so that we can live together, as we are not happy being away from each other and my wife also needs my support. It is very difficult and frustrating that we are unable to be together.

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

Brother-in-Islam,

It is encouraging to note the zeal both of you have for taking care of your parents. May Allāh Ta`ālā shower you both with His mercy. Ameen.

Allāh the Almighty has clearly outlined the rights of our parents in the Holy Qur`ān, especially in regards to our mothers:

وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنْسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ وَهْنًا عَلَى وَهْنٍ وَفِصَالُهُ فِي عَامَيْنِ أَنِ اشْكُرْ لِي وَلِوَالِدَيْكَ إِلَيَّ الْمَصِيرُ

And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination. [Surah Al-Luqmān, 14]

This is also apparent from the following hadīth narrated in the Sahīh of Imām Bukhārī (rahimahullāh):

عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ قَالَ: جَاءَ رَجُلٌ إِلَى رَسُولِ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ فَقَالَ: يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ، مَنْ أَحَقُّ النَّاسِ بِحُسْنِ صَحَابَتِي؟ قَالَ: «أُمُّكَ» قَالَ: ثُمَّ مَنْ؟ قَالَ: «ثُمَّ أُمُّكَ» قَالَ: ثُمَّ مَنْ؟ قَالَ: «ثُمَّ أُمُّكَ» قَالَ: ثُمَّ مَنْ؟ قَالَ: «ثُمَّ أَبُوكَ» 

Abu Hurairah (radiyallahu ‘anhu) narrates: A man came to Allah’s Messenger (sallallāhu `alayhi wa sallam) and said, “O Allah’s Messenger (sallallāhu `alayhi wa sallam)! Who is more entitled to be treated with the best companionship by me?” The Prophet (sallallāhu `alayhi wa sallam) said, “Your mother.” The man said. “Who is next?” The Prophet said, “Your mother.” The man further said, “Who is next?” The Prophet (sallallāhu `alayhi wa sallam) said, “Your mother.” The man asked for the fourth time, “Who is next?” The Prophet (sallallāhu `alayhi wa sallam) said, “Your father.”[1]

It is an integral part of marriage that one learns to maintain a balance between the rights of one’s parents and the rights of the spouse. While your mother calls for your help, your spouse’s parents call for her as well. During such times, both you and your wife must make compromises for the sake of maintaining a happy marriage.

In reference to question one, although you are given the right to choose your place of residence[2], you must also consider your wife’s feelings on the matter. Simply moving her away from her parents so that she may live with you will neither satisfy her nor will it help her fulfill the rights of her parents. As a husband, you must take the initial step to help your wife fulfill her duties while maintaining good ties with your mother as well. As your wife, she also has the right to make occasional visits to her parents home[3] and also demand a place of residence that is free from any of your family members[4].

Based on your current circumstances, we offer the following solutions:

1) You move to your wife’s city with your mother as her parents are old and have a greater need to be under her care. You must convince your mother to move with you and kindly explain to her that you wish for both her and your wife to live happily and peacefully. If you choose to do so, you must make sure that your wife is ready to accept your mother staying at her home. You may also choose to provide a separate residence for your mother in that city if you have the means to do so.

2) You move to your wife’s city without your mother. While doing so, you should make the extra effort in maintaining close ties with your mother by visiting her often and keeping in frequent contact with her. Initially, it may be hard on your mother, but slowly she will learn to adapt to the situation. If you choose this option, you must try your best to keep your mother happy as she will be sacrificing your companionship for the sake of your wife and her parents.

The abovementioned solutions are mere suggestions. Optimally, you should make du`ā to Allāh Ta`ālā and also seek consultation from both of your family members before coming to a conclusion. Inshā Allāh, Allāh Ta`ālā will show you the right path and put barakah in your final decision.

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

Bilal Mohammad

Student Darul Iftaa
New Jersey, USA

Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.

www.daruliftaa.net