I had always restricted myself for being into a physical relationship with any women in order to strictly follow my religion. I have been into a relationship with some women, whom I considered my soul mate. I have always been an honest person and didn’t hide anything about my past life.
Keeping this thing in mind that I will marry her and believing that she has been honest about herself, I got involved into a physical relationship with her and had sex with her though I stayed virgin through out my life and only wanted to practice it with my wife.
I am ashamed for what I did and ask forgiveness every time I say my prayers. I came to know that she had falsely taken swears upon my head, her parents and Holy Quran to proof her honestly and purity for whatever she is telling about her past and the problem comes, when I made her confess that she wasn’t a virgin before she had sex with me and that she had been into the relationships thrice with different guys.
I accept that I have made a mistake but when I stayed on the right path through out my life and didn’t ever have sexual intercourse with someone just because I wanted Allah to bless me with good and innocent wife with good character.
I could be one of those guys who could leave her and I could be one of those who can forgive her and marry her. I love her and have sympathies for her. The problem comes; I can’t forget all those things that she has done in the past. The thoughts keep coming back and haunt me.
I want to come out of this depressing situation and on the other hand, I don’t want to ruin someone’s life and leaving some one high and dry on the road.
What does Islam say about women, who have been into adultery with guys? Should I accept her and send my elders to her to proceed further.
Let’s say, if you ask me to give her a chance to become a good person and accept her in my life then what are those things that are relevant to Islam and can actually make me forget her past and think in a new direction.
I would appreciate if you could help me out in this regard. I am counting on you. May Allah bless you for all your efforts that you and your entire organization is doing to assist his mankind.
In the name of Allāh, Most Gracious, Most Merciful
Assalāmu ῾alaykum wa Rahmatullāhi Wabarakātuh
I hope and pray that this message reaches you in the best of all states. It is indeed highly commendable that while being faced with a difficult situation in your life you are seeking advice and guidance from ‘ulamā. This is in accordance with the injunction of Allah Ta‘ālā where he states:
فَاسْأَلُوا أَهْلَ الذِّكْرِ إِنْ كُنْتُمْ لَا تَعْلَمُونَ
“Ask the people of knowledge if you do not know.” -Surah al-Nahl: 43
First and foremost, it is important that you recognize your mistake in having relations with a woman who is not your wife and sincerely repent and make tawbah from that mistake. Included in a sincere tawbah (repentance) is to truly feel remorse and regret in your heart, immediately refraining from the act if you are currently partaking in it, and having firm resolve to never again repeat that action. With that being said, you must do your best in refraining from making the same mistake once again, be it with this woman or anyone else. This also includes avoiding any interaction with her or with any person of the opposite sex which may lead to illicit relations. Seek Allah’s aid in this and, insha Allah, He will grant you the strength to abstain from all acts of indecency.
Pertaining to your particular situation, as in all important matters you should first make istikhārah and seek Allah’s aid. If you choose not to marry her, this will be completely fair and in no way will it be an act of injustice on your behalf, just as it would not be an act of injustice on her behalf if she decided to not marry you.
In the event that you decide that you would still like to marry her, I would advice you to first consider the following points:
- the woman has sincerely repented
- you deem her past mistakes to be isolated to the past and can trust her that it will not happen again
- the woman leads a modest lifestyle in accordance with the commands of Allah and the way of our beloved Prophet (s.a.w.), void of actions or habits that may lead to her making the same mistakes of the past
- you take the lead in living a modest lifestyle, showing her through your example that what has happened in the past must not happen in the future
If these points can be implemented and you choose to marry her, then place your trust in Allah that it will be a which will garner His pleasure.
As for alleviating the difficulty you are experiencing in dealing with the woman’s past, you should first remember that everyone makes mistakes and nobody amongst us is flawless. You, too, have committed the same mistake by engaging in relations with her before marriage. Thus, just as a person would like that Allah the Exalted will forgive him and overlook his faults, they too should forgive others and over look their faults. And if a person shows mercy to the people in this world, then Allah will also show him/her mercy. There are many hadīth which illustrate this principle of life. We should think of the sin and faults in the lives of those around us as a sickness. When we see sick people in a hospital coughing, we do not get irritated because they are coughing. Instead, we feel pity and compassion for them and try to assist them. This should be our approach to those surrounding us with shortcomings.
Additionally, focus on building the future and the bigger picture, which is a paradise whose dwellers shall have anything that their hearts desire and anything that they call for. When we focus on the future and the bigger picture, it helps prevent us from dwelling on things that happen in the past.
May Allah Ta‘ālā guide you in all of your affairs and grant you divine facilitation to do the things which will please Him. Āmīn.
And Allāh Ta῾āla Knows Best
Ml. Musa Sugapong,
Student Dārul Iftā
Checked and Approved by:
Mufti Ebrahim Desai
Dārul Iftā, Madrasah In῾āmiyyah