I am writing to you about me feeling disturbed and I needed to express this. My problem is about what has recently taken place.
A friend of mine introduced me to his girl cousin for the purpose of marriage. Both myself and her are 24, she is a month elder than I am.
Upon meeting her the first time I left with mixed emotions, I did not see the girl whom I have an image of in my mind but saw something different. I expected to see someone with scarf who is a match with me, instead I saw something quite the opposite with traits and personlaity different to mine. After thinking I should not pursue, we had a follow up discussion (chaperoned) where we both let out our concerns. My issues were the seemingly different personlaities we have and lifestyle, hers was the perception I am ‘close minded’ and staunch which I gave assurance I am not and a few other issues.
After communicating strictly for the purpose of marriage (our parents knew) we did realise that we are different and eventually we decided to end it.
My concern is this. Since I have not had a girlfriend before, and this was my first experience seeing a girl for marriage, I have been feeling down and concerned about my personality. I am a soft spoken person, not loud and attention seeking. Alhamdulillah I have respect for salaah and my deen and always want to uphold this. I have been brought up strictly by my parents i.e no going out with friends, late nights etc. All these factors have had an impact on who I am, making me more reserved and conservative. After interacting with this girl, who is more outspoken, bubbly and expressive I have a very ill and empty feeling in me that I am someone with a very bland and boring personlaity. This issue has been bothering me and I have been giving it much thought. I know that I cannot change who I am, but I feel that this is a major downfall in me, perhaps a reason why the girl and I did not click. In social contexts I am reserved, I do make the occasional joke and talk but it is not close to the way others freely speak and are natural in drawing people’s attention. They seem to be good, entertaining company, unlike me in my opinion. I feel that I lack so much fun in my life, compared to others who have many friends, and socialise and have good times. I feel frustrated since I am different and want to break free from the person I am.
Please can you give me advice/ wisdom, to what I see as being good.
You should not feel down and depressed about your personality. Being soft spoken, modest and humble are beautiful and praiseworthy characteristics which should be inculcated and perfected, not shunned and abandoned. You should thank your parents for raising you and teaching such exceptional morals and instilling such a character in you. It is not necessary for you to “click” with every girl, especially one with a very liberal and outspoken character. By nature, girls are supposed to be shy, modest and very reserved. However, due to the current depressive state of the Ummah and the lack of the true Islamic spirit and understanding, the nature of today’s Muslims has undergone a drastic change for the worse. What was once seen as piety, chastity and morality is now seen as bland, boring, fundamentalist and closed-minded. You should not worry about comments made by such people and rather worry about following the beautiful manners of Rasūlullah صلى الله عليه و سلم . Indeed, happiness and success lies only in that. Outwardly, it might seem that other more outspoken and social people are having fun etc., but this is a mere façade. Contentment and happiness come from Allah and the more obedient a person is to Allah, the more contentment he feels. The characteristics that you have described yourself as are the fruits of Hayā (modesty) , which have been described by Rasūlullah صلى الله عليه و سلم as a great branch from the many branches of Imān. Rasūlullah صلى الله عليه و سلم himself had the greatest amount of Hayā. In one narration, it is stated that Rasūlullah صلى الله عليه و سلم was more modest than a young virgin girl in the midst of her private chamber. Therefore, you should be thankful for being blessed with such a nature and character. Furthermore, this short life has been described as a jail for the believers by Rasūlullah صلى الله عليه و سلم because of the religious confines ordained upon us and it has been described as a paradise for the disbelievers. Such a short and restricted life was never meant as an abode of entertainment and merrymaking. The successful person is he who uses this temporal and ephemeral life to earn perpetual bliss and ecstasy in the hereafter and the unsuccessful person is he who wastes this short time in merriment at the expense of the hereafter. You should search for a wife who has a similar nature and character to yours. In doing so, you will feel more comfort. You should not try to change your nature for the sake of others. You should also seek a pious and righteous ‘Ālim or Shaykh and request him for assistance in treading a path of spirituality and piety. May Allah assist you in your endeavors and keep you steadfast in your quest for the pleasure of Allah. Ameen.
And Allah knows best
Ml. Yusuf bin Yaqub,
Student Darul Iftaa
Checked and Approved by:
Mufti Ebrahim Desai
Darul Iftaa, Madrassah In’aamiyyah