I am a 15 yr old practicing Muslim, and have a good knowledge of Islam currently, but I am always wanting to learn more. But I have never clearly understood how I should conduct myself around girls my age. I live in Britain and I have many friends, many of whom happen to be girls. I am aware that in an Indian/Pakistani culture there is strong disapproval of inter-gender friendship, but I want to know what Islam says towards friendship and the idea of ‘girlfriends & boyfriends’. If I were to have a girlfriend I would not be hurting anybody, nor would I become less Islamic in my general lifestyle, but do not know whether this kind of thing is specifically mentioned in Islam. What about ‘going out’ with a girl of a different religion? Is this completely unacceptable in Islam?
Jazakallah for the question which you submitted to the institute. It is commendable that you are keen on gaining further knowledge of Deen and insha’llah you shall be guided to act upon all the knowledge you gain, ameen.
You ask mainly about inter gender relationships and “dating” within the context of Islam. I have decided to answer this question at length so I ask you to please bear with me.
We shall go right back in “time”, ie. after Almighty Allah had created the soul of every being that has existed, which exists and will exist until (the final day ) qiyamah, Almighty Allah gathered every soul before HIM at the AALAME ARWAH and HE asked us, ” Am I not your Rabb?” ” Every soul testified and replied, “Balaa”, meaning “YES SURELY.” We affirmed to Allah that HE is our Rabb.
Let’s move to the present.
All babies are born as Muslims no matter which part of the world they are born in. Many have the azaan announced in their ears at birth. A lot of them may hear or may not hear the azaan in their lifetime.
The children are loved, nutured and protected by their parents and other signifant people in their lifetime. They are socialised according to the norms and mores of their particular cultures. Through this socialisation process, they learn between wrong or right, appropiate and inappropiate, and what is acceptable and unacceptable within their families, communities, schools, universities, job situations etc. Their relationships are shaped and guided within these institutions.
However, let us take a closer look at the “players” within these institutions and examine how they shape up. The child born into a Muslim home ( along with the child born into a non-Muslim home) is as likely to be bombarded with the Media of the west with it’s tantalising, beguiling and “reach for your dream” culture with promises of granting to all and sundry the fulfillment of every dream. “The world is at your feet” and it is yours for the asking and taking.
Our families do not escape from this “myth” as most homes have televisions, dvd’s, the internet, and the print media which support and encourage this lifestyle and we grow up with values which are “alien” to our creed. Many parents abscond their duties and leave the education and upbringing of their children to the “educators”, namely, the media and outsiders.
Let us look at the teenager. A unique human being who is at the threshold of life and ready to take on as many challenges as life is prepared to throw at him /her. However at the other end of the scale, as you are well aware, once you reach puberty, the sex hormones go into “overdrive.” There are grave temptations and trials ahead and shaitaan is ever present, waiting to unleash his vengeance on you. Peer pressure comes to the fore. The individual is expected to have a girlfriend. Sexual desire can be aroused by mere thought of a girl/ boy let alone being with one.
To complicate matters, the individual is now physically and physiologically ready to procreate and bring a child into this world. Yet emotionally and chronologically the individual is essentially still a child till mid to late teens are reached. Research reveals high rates of teenage pregnancies, drug addiction, drop out rates from schools and “shacking up” with the opposite sex from within this group. Individuals with great potential are lost to the wilderness.
You ask if Islam addresses male / female relationships. Yes, in various verses in the quran and also through the teachings of Nabi (sallalaahu alayhi wassallam) who taught us very clearly as to how men and women should behave towards each other, honour and respect each other.
Allah commands us to maintain our modesty and He also presents us with strategies and preventive measures to protect and uphold the honour of men and women.
Inter-gender friendships are not frowned on in the Indo/ Pak cultures only. They are strongly discouraged between “non mahram” men and women. Separation of the sexes is a beautiful and practical aspect of Islam.
Allah commands us (in Surah Nur, versus 30-31), ” Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that will make for greater purity for them; and Allah is well aquainted with all that they do. And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty ……..” The command is for both men and women. If we are commanded to not even cast a deliberate look at a non mahram male / woman, do you think having relationships with the opposite sex out of wedlock would be acceptable?
Alhamdoelillah, you are at the threshold of your life. You are aware of your responsibilities as a Muslim and you are prepared to search for answers which affect your life as a Muslim. May Allah grant you the ability to be fully equipped with the necessary tools and knowledge so that you can fulfill your obligations to Allah, to yourself, to your parents, family and society.
A well informed Muslim (scholar) is an indespensible individual in these trying times, more especially in the west where we are bombarded by alien values. A Muslim, armed with deeni knowledge, who is on the straight path and who practices the sunnahs of our beloved Nabi (sallalaahu alayhi wassallam) is an asset to the Ummah. No doubt, as you grow up imbibing these values, those in contact with you will appreciate the example, respect you and insha’allah follow your example. You will set the trend and your family and someday your wife and your offspring will carry your examples to eternity.
You say that if you had a girlfriend you would not be hurting anybody nor would you become less Islamic. You will hurt yourself most grieviously in many ways. You will fall into shaitaan’s trap, your imaan will be weakened. Your heart will not remain pure as Allah’s “noor” will retrea from you. You will be exposing yourself to girls who may choose to be “your” girls just to make another “score.” Most important of all, you will fail to act on the knowledge you have on this aspect of your life as a Muslim, ( refer to the above verse) and your promise to Allah to submit to HIS will, thus incurring the wrath of Allah.
As I have mentioned, the risks of caving into one’s desires is immense. Besides the risks of impulsive and promiscous behaviour, pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, there is the added risk of the possiblity of failed and traumatic relationships. This emotional pain can leave a lasting negative impact on the individual. Trust and loyaly can be dumped on a scrap heap. Many a teenage relationship can start on a promise ” no sex till we get married ” or some other mythical promise. My experience with teenagers often records “rape” in these instances because the girl may want to stick to the promise but the guy is too aroused to wait any longer. The phychological damage to both individuals is alarming.
Can you imagine if you had to develop strong emotional ties and have high expectations with this girlfriend and she one day decides ” I have had enough, I am going to seek greener pastures.” What will this leave you with emotionally? On the other hand, if she develops strong emotional feelings for you but you decide she is not for you, you will be gravely hurting another human being. Then there are your parents and her parents to consider, conflict within two or more families can result.
At age 15, it is not within an individual’s scheme of plans to be tied to one partner, nor is one ready to have lasting sincere relationships so early. Granted, on can consider oneself to be a mature, caring person. Shaitaan will give a “fig” for one’s good character. His cardinal aim is not only to make one ” less Islamic” but also to destroy one’s imaan and make sure that one more statistic is added to Jahannam.
Do remember that a non- Muslim woman is also Allah’s creation and her feelings and honour should not be treated lightly. In my experience, I have noted a certain habit our men have in many countries. They date and play the field for years with non-Muslim women who are lead to believe that they will tie the knot someday. Many even start learning about Islam. However when it comes to marraige the poor woman is dumped as the “dutiful” son marries the woman of his parent’s choice. This casts a terrible reflection on the character and honesty of Muslim men. Allah is not unaware of what we do.
Dating a non – Muslim girl will be an added stress on one’s imaan and a definate home run for shaitaan. Your responsibility to non Muslim women is to suggest to your sisters or mahram females in your family to invite non- Muslim women to deen. This will earn you great rewards from Allah Ta’ala.
You say you are not really sure as to as to how you should behave around girls your age. I take it that you are at a co-ed school. Well, lowering your gaze is a start. You could minimise your contact by keeping yourself fully occupied in preparing for the whatever tasks lie ahead of you. Allow your interaction be confined to ” Must” contact where you get straight to the point. Avoid speaking to the girls in ways which could be interpreted as an “invitation” or flirtation. Adopt a firm, clear vocal tone when talking to women, avoid idle chatter and unnessary contact. However, it is most important that you remain tactful and kind. Do avoid physical contact with non mahram women, shaking hands is not acceptable at all. If you have to have lab partners, sports partners etc, make sure they are always male. Do you think you could switch to a boys only school?
The company you keep is very important for you and other Muslim boys / girls. You appear to be a fortunate individual blessed with parents who have brought you up with strong Islamic values. Treasure these values for they will bring you success in this world and the hereafter, insha’allah. Spend much time in not only learning to recite the quran with tajweed, but strive to understand it and practice on the knowledge you aquire from it. It is said that the “saviour” in our time is the penetration of the Quranic values ( into) our souls and society. For then it becomes very easy for us to give up our desires and accept Allah’s rights over us. Invite your friends and other Muslims to good and forbid the evil by imparting your knowledge to them.
All the young Sahaba kept themselves fully occupied in serving and worshipping Allah. Be it through prayer, serving others, earning their living, teaching others or serving on the battlefield. Allah was foremost in their minds. We come from Allah and we shall return to Allah. Life is so short and we have to prepare ourselves for the meeting with our Creator.
Allah will question us once again.
” How did you spend your LIFE?
How did you utilise your YOUTH?
How did you earn your WEALTH?
How did you spend it (your wealth)?
further and (most important of all)
HOW DID YOU ACT ON YOUR AQUIRED KNOWLEDGE?
Abstaining from having a girlfriend and getting married as soon as one is ready to do so, is also a great act of worship and submission To Allah’s will. A wife is a gift from Allah’s treasures. It is said that from all perishable commodities, a pious wife is the best. Seek a pious wife when you are ready to support and cherish one. Abstain from accepting shaitaans wicked offers.
Someday, when you have a wife and daughters, you will desire that they are respected, honoured and protected from insincere and unworthy boys and men. Therefore remember to do honour and respect the daughters of other parents.
In conclusion , lets go back to the pledge we made to our Rabb. We affirmed that He IS OUR RABB. No individual or group of indiviuals can be truly Muslim until and unless they submit totally to Almighty Allah Alone in the manner taught by His Beloved Nabi (sallallahu Alayhi Wassallam) – thus testifying by their actions that there is no deity except Almighty Allah and that Nabee Sallallahoo Alayhi Wasallam is His Messenger.
Furthermore, remember, Allah keeps HIS promises. Could one receive a better promise than the one below?
Allah clearly states in Surah at-Talaq, verse 11: ” Allah has sent down a reminder to you, a Messenger reciting Allah’s clear signs to you to bring those who have faith and do right actions out of the darkness and into the light. Whoever has faith in Allah, acts rightly, We shall admit him into gardens with rivers flowing under them remaining in them timelessly, forever and ever. Allah has provided for him excellently”
May Allah guide you and all teenagers in this difficult but exciting period of your lifes, ameen.
and Allah Ta’ala Knows Best
Sister Fadila
SOCIAL DEPT.
CHECKED AND APPROVED: Mufti Ebrahim Desai