My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. We’ve lost a child of 4 months a year ago.
We are seperated for 4 months. He is refusing to give talaq..
He is very temperamental. Every little thing turns into a huge argument.
I was often called derogatory names such as stupid useless worthless rubbish etc.
Very often I was threatened to be sent back home for no good reason. Used words like ‘ I’m fed up of you. I’m calling your father now’ but he could never explain what was I doing which was displeasing and disobedient. Many times he tells me a certain thing then without mashwara he changes his plans. When I would ask why he would snap at me and insist that I’m disrespectful and threaten to send me home.
MANY times he claimed that his Sheikh said I’m a very bad person and that he is better off without me. He now claims that these are all lies although it was said many times to me.
Many times he posed the question if I want the marriage or not yet I didn’t imply that I don’t want it.
He is still studying so during the week he goes to class and comes back tired so we barely spend time together.
Most weekends and holidays he goes for Jamaat or to the khanqa and I’m sent to my parents.
He leaves home happy and comes home angry or the other way around.
Eventually I too started loosing interest and just took each day as it comes. I find it very difficult to show him love as I was always threatened to be sent back home at random moments. Eventually that love and excitement dies. . I just had fear and anxiety in me as to when will his mood snap again.
Before ramadan he made it clear to me that I should think what do I want and on eid day I should give him an answer with regards to the marriage and he made it very clear to me that he is unhappy. Few moments after he was normal and happy again. We were away from each other for the whole month.. He didn’t bring it up after that.
I went back with the mindset that whatever happens, happens. I was emotionally and mentally broke. It’s very disturbing to hear your husband threaten to send you home very often. He claims he done so just to create fear in me and I can become more respectful.
Just over 4 months ago he randomly asked me very harshly ‘are you ever planning to have another child’ and it turned into a huge argument. I wasn’t on any contraceptives and that is not in my control at all.
He then said I should sign on a paper as to when do I want to fall pregnant or I should go home. He also said within the next 2 weeks he will be making nikaah again. He made clear to me how miserable his life is with me and how he’ll have to suffer with me forever. And he was reconsidering everything and he felt like just ending it there and there. He kept asking do you want the marriage or not..
The next morning I made the decision to come back to my parents home as I couldn’t take it any loner. He gave permission after I told him I want to go home saying ‘take all your stuff and go’ later that day he said ‘make sure you pack all your stuff and take it with you’ which I didn’t do.
He made it clear to me that I should speak or contact him for the next 3 weeks.. The next day my uncle who is an aalim called home saying my husband contacted him saying there is no issue between us but I came away home.
After a while my uncle phoned requesting a meeting. And it’s been going on and on. I didn’t agree for the meeting. Upto today he hasnt came home to my parents. But went to everyone else requesting meetings via everyone.
When I came home I had no intention of returning. That was complete breaking point for me. It’s v v disturbing to hear threats from your husband all the time. It drains you. I made istikhara and I asked for out. He then refused and said he will never give out.. He is apologising and saying he will change. And also making it clear that I’m very disobedient and disrespectful.
After asking a few times earlier in November he agreed that I can collect my clothing after 7th Dec. He then said that his on holiday and he changed the locks so I cannot enter the house.
After lots of effort he has now agreed for me to collect my belongings although he said he will never give talaq. I am not willing to go back under any circumstances. He says it’s v minor issues and he didn’t know it would cause problems. Obviously lying to your spouse, not spending time with her, threatening her and making it clear to her how worthless she is, is a problem! I came to breaking point. I don’t see compatibility. I am not willing to go back. He said I should contact the Jamiat with any further queries and go through Jamiat if I want talaq as he will never give it. I am not willing to go back at all even though he says he’ll change, his being so difficult in this 4 months which alone shows he won’t change. Besides that there’s been a lot of emotional hurt. Being insaan I can’t take more. If I go back my Imaan will be at risk.
I’ve banged my head on the wall a few times out of frustration and not being able to reason with him. Once even threatened to stab myself. It’s taunting and draining to have arguments every few days and threatened every few days. It’s frustrating for someone to be insisting on a certain thing when it’s not like that.. I’m emotionally and mentally drained.
What is my way forward?
Please do advise
In the Name of Allaah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salaamu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullaahi wa-barakaatuh.
Sister in Islaam,
We take note of the contents of your query. If what you have stated is the reality of the situation, then your husband’s conduct is unfortunate and inappropriate. We understand your frustration and lack of interest in the marriage.
If your husband has contacted your uncle who is an ‘Aalim, you should consider requesting him to facilitate a meeting with your husband and present the facts before him. There are certain statements attributed to your husband, for example: pack your bags and go, etc. that could mean divorce if your husband intended divorce. Your uncle an ‘Aalim would be able to determine all those issues or refer you to other ‘Ulamaa and guide you accordingly.
If your husband claims that the issues are minor or petty, then prepare a reconciliation document with conditions. For example: I hereby agree to 1….. 2….. 3….. 4….. 5….. Put all the conditions you would want him to abide by, especially those conditions he denies violating, stating in the agreement that if he violates any or all of the conditions, then talaaq will take place if the uncle or any person of mutual choice agrees on the violation of the conditions.
This could be an attempt to save the marriage and give him another opportunity to make the marriage work. This will also spare you the pain of a broken marriage. You may also consider marriage counselling seminars, and perhaps psychiatric/psychological and anger management therapy for your husband in the terms and conditions of the reconciliation agreement.
If your husband does not cooperate, then request him to issue you a divorce. If he does not accede to the request, you may refer the matter to the local ‘Ulamaa board for an annulment of the marriage.
During this trying frame, turn to Allaah Ta’aala with Salaatul Haajah[1], du’aa and zikr. We make du’aa that Allaah Ta’aala grants you the courage to overcome this challenge. May Allaah Ta’aala grant you peace and happiness. Aameen.
And Allaah Ta’aala Knows Best.
Muajul I. Chowdhury
Student, Darul Iftaa
Astoria, New York, USA
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
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