Parents wants her to get married to a Syed only

Answered according to Hanafi Fiqh by

I have an issue, I am 28 year old female, who has been unmarried and sitting at home. I met a guy at university when I was graduating and spoke to him as friend while he was in Texas for co-op. (lets call him Qasim) He came back a year and half ago, (when I was 25.5 and asked for my hand. His father wanted him to marry his cousin, because when he was 8 years old his father promised his uncle in the village that the cousins will get married. Qasim is an engineer and has been brought up and got an education from North America.

Qasim respectfully has been telling his father since the age of 17 when he got aware of the “promise” that he will not be able to fulfill it.  When he approached his father for me, his father said that Qasim can do whatever he likes and decides but he will not be a part of any marriage he decides to do other than to his cousin. 

That’s his side of the story, his father is reluctant, not rude but doesnt want any part of it, won’t even call my mother for the marriage. As for my family, my parents are big on “caste” system which is a very non muslim tradition. They believe they belong to a caste and race superior to other Muslims. And that is the reason why i am still sitting at home.

When Qasim’s proposal came, I told mother I have known Qasim as a great student, a good, respectable guy in university. He has everything parents should look at. My mother said but he is not a syed. This was three years ago, now I am 28.5 completely frustrated and upset with my family. Qasims mother has been begging my mom for last three years, last August in 2017, my mother said okay I will take a stand for this marriage. We will try to convince the father. Then she got busy in her own life.

When I turned 28 in October of 2017, I told my mother I have had enough and this is unfair. I have respectfully asked you to get me married 3 years ago, I have told my father myself (because my mother wouldn’t do it), at beginning of Jan 2017 that there was a proposal from a Muslim guy and he is educated and all and the only problem is that he is not a Syed. but I would like to get married.

There was a plain “no” from him, he didn’t talk to me for 8 months, and then he started talking to me. fast forward to October, I told my mother I have waited long enough, I am planning to get married in Jan of 2018, please tell father and let me go. I need to start my own life. Then Q’s father calls and tell hims that oh push the wedding to march, so I can come too and I will talk to the girls mom. Come December, the father flips and goes MIA. As for my mother, doesn’t tell my father. good thing was we pushed the wedding in march of 2018. And my mother and siblings were suppose to talk to my father and tell him. It’s now Jan 28th 2018, everyone knows of the wedding (because my mother said its happening, go ahead with bookings and stuff), except her family and my father. It’s really frustrating and annoying for me.

My fault was to trust my mother, they tried to talk to my father but as soon as they say the proposal is form a non “caste” guy he says No i rather kill her and kill him if they get married and go to jail then let them get married……  Seriously, this whole thing sounds so insane to me. And no, they didm;t look for any other proposals for me, and yes I am 28.5. They all discuss about going back home and getting my brother married and planning his marriage, but not mine. 

Would it be wrong for me to get married in March? I just don’t know what to do. If I tell my mother I will tell father myself even if he kills me, but I am not afraid of dying. If I have respected them to tell them and not done anything wrong to do this properly I don’t think they should be making this so difficult.

The conditions and the way it is, makes me feel like I belong to another religion, not this. Please help me, please help me. I have prayed and prayed and I don’t know what else to do.


In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

Sister in Islam,

We apologize for the much belated response & also take note of the contents of your email.

We understand your predicament and that you wish to get married. We make dua’a that Allah Ta’ala remove your difficulties and grant you a suitable marriage partner. Aameen.

If your parents and other family members fail to understand that you are ready for marriage then you may adopt alternative methods in reaching out to your parents, for example, discuss the issue with some responsible person in the family, perhaps an elderly reputable and influential person to communicate your feelings to your parents. Turn towards Allah Ta’ala and seek His guidance. Have patience and read Salaat al-haajah and also make Dua’a to Allah Ta’ala abundantly.

The custom of not letting Syed girl married to non-Syed religious boy is purely ignorant, pride and incorrect. Rasullullah Sallallahu alaihi wasallam married off his all four Syedah daughters to non-Syed Sahabis Radhi Allahu Anhum. Ali Radhi Allahu anhu’s all daughters got married to non-Syeds. Imam Zainul Abideen RahimahuAllah’s sister who was Syedah got married to his freed slave.[1] [2]

While we advise you to exercise restraint and adopt all possible avenues to get the approval of your parents. If you go ahead and marry by yourself, the marriage will be valid and you will be excused for taking the marriage in your own hands.

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

Mirza Mahmood Baig

Student Darul Iftaa

Jeddah, KSA

Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.


[1]  آپ کے مسائل اور ان کا حل: 6/ 140-142، کتب خانہ نعیمیہ، دیوبند 

سید لڑکی کی شادی غیر سید لڑکے سے جائز ہے۔ ۔ ۔ ۔ ۔ ۔  ۔ان کی شادی نہیں کرانا آپس میں یہ رواج ہے۔ یہ رواج خالص جاہلی نخوت پر مبنی ہے، اور جاہلیت کے اس بت کو اسلام نے توڑا ہے۔ ۔ ۔  ۔ ۔ ۔ آپ ﷺ  سید نہیں تھے۔ آپ ﷺ کے چاروں صاحب زادیاں سیدہ تھیں، ان کے نکاح غیر سیدوں سے ہوئے۔ پھر علی رضی اللہ عنہ کی ساری صاحب زادیوں کے نکاح غیر سیدوں سے ہوئے۔ ۔ ۔ ۔ ۔ ۔امام زین العابدینؒ نے اپنی ہمشیرہ کا نکاح اپنے ایک آزاد کردہ غلام کے ساتھ کیا تھا۔

[2]  البداية والنهاية: 9/108، دارالفكر

وقال سفيان ابن عيينة: كان علي بن الحسين يقول…….. وذكروا أنه زوج أمة من مولى له، وأعتق أمة فتزوجها.


مختصر القدوري (ص: 146) 

والكفاءة في النكاح معتبرة فإذا تزوجت المرأة غير كفء فللأولياء أن يفرقوا بينهما والكفاءة تعتبر في النسب والدين


كنز الدقائق (ص: 256) 

فصلٌ في الكفاءة

من نكحت غير كفءٍ فرّق الوليّ ورضا البعض كالكلّ وقبض المهر ونحوه رضًا لا السّكوت والكفاءة تعتبر نسبًا فقريشٌ أكفاءٌ والعرب أكفاءٌ وحرّيّةً وإسلامًا، وأبوان فيهما كالآباء وديانةً ومالًا وحرفةً ولو نقّصت من مهر مثلها فللوليّ أن يفرّق أو يتمّ مهرها ولو زوّج طفله غير كفءٍ أو بغبنٍ فاحشٍ صحّ ولم يجز ذلك لغير الأب والجدّ…..


المحيط البرهاني لمحمود النجاري (3/ 92) 

الفصل السادس: في الكفاءة

الكفاءة معتبرة في باب النكاح، والأصل فيه قوله عليه السلام فيما رواه جابر عنه: «لا تنكح النساء إلا من الأكفاء» وقال عليه السلام: «ألا لا يُزوجُ النساءَ إلا الأولياءُ ولا يزوجن إلا من الأكفاء» والحكمة في اشتراطها: تحقيق ما هو المقصود من النكاح وهو السكنى والازدواج، إذ المرأة تتعير باستفراش من لا يكافئها، ………..ثم اعتبارها من وجوه: أحدها: النسب، الثاني: المال، والثالث: الحرية، والرابع: إسلام الأب في الموالي، والخامس: التقوى والحسب، والسادس: الكفاءة في الحرف، والسابع: الكفاءة في العقل

See the following link on How to find the perfect spouse?

This answer was collected from, which is operated under the supervision of Mufti Ebrahim Desai from South Africa.

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