I needed advice in how to deal with myself and a situation. I had a cousin who was living with us for a little while and things ended up going wrong.
I knew she was interested in me , though I made it clear to her for a couple months that I wasnt, and tried to act in a harsh manner so she would get the message.
Unfortunately shaytan got the best of me and we did things that we shouldnt have (not zina, but other illicit intimate things). Shes gone now.
I feel absolutely horrible about it, and dont know how to feel better about myself. I’ve done tawbah and asked allah forgiveness, but I feel like used goods and just disgusting and am so ashamed that I disgraced myself.
Anytime I do hear from her, I just dont feel like speaking with her, as it reminds me of the haram (and she knows how guilty I feel, unfortunately I dont think she thinks its as big a deal as I do). I know we are not supposed to cut ties with our family, but I just feel disgusting when I am in contact because of what we did. Please advise how I should be in contact; should I be rude to get point accross???
As well please let me know what else I can do to try to help me move past this nasty feeling, I feel like a horribe individual, especially when allah has given me so much respect and im usually asked to give talks and so on on islam (I have ever since tried my best to avoid giving talks; but recently I was in the mindset that why should I let a wrong I did, prevent me from doing good if I am asked? Is that an acceptable position, or should I totally let go of any islamic talks or lecture?). As well if she ended up trying to reveal to others about stuff we did, is it islamically okay for me to refuse to agree to what she says (I heard that to even speak about sins is wrong, and if you have had done things in the past like dating for example, and a proposal comes to you for marriage and people inquire about the past that its okay for one to say “why would anyone date”, “or no I dont engage in such things”).
Jazakallah Khayr Mufti saab, your help would be greatly appreciated as I feel I have stained my dignity and izzah, and always now feel guilty anytime people talk about illicit relations with girls; before this I never engaged in such activity ever, and since then I feel like I cant raise my head anymore as I feel ashamed,undiginified and absolutely filthy.
In the name of Allāh, Most Gracious, Most Merciful
Assalāmu ῾alaykum wa Rahmatullāhi Wabarakātuh
As humans, we tend to err very often due to weakness of faith and the dreadful environment surrounding us makes the situation even more complicated. However, this does not grant us the leeway to openly violate the commandments of Allah Ta’ala hence attributing it to the weakness within ourselves. This attitude and foolish behaviour will be harmful and only attract more misery, shamefulness to ones life by going contrary to the perfect image of life every person desires to attain, and as a principle of life, we ought to progress and not retrogress.
Furthermore, it is imperative that we understand the seriousness of our actions. A true believer is one who will ponder first before committing any deed so that he may judge the outcome and repercussion of his/her actions. If something does not work out nor does it come our way, then we should not despair. If we had made certain decisions or plans that were not fulfilled or we expected some venture to be profitable and it was not, then we should not weaken to depression. The beauty of Islam is such that there is hope for everyone especially to those who least expect it.
There is no doubt that Allah Ta’ala is Most Merciful, Compassionate, Gracious and Forgiving. Nothing compares to Allah Ta’ala in His mercy, compassion, forgiveness and acceptance of repentance.
Hazrat Saeed bin Jubair (Radiallahu Anhu) reports from Ibn Abbaas (Radiallahu Anhuma) that there were some people who had killed a number of people unjustly and had committed many shameful acts. They came to Nabi (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallalm) and submitted to him, “The religion you invite us to, is no doubt very good, but we have a problem. We are continuously reminded about all those sins we have already committed. If we become Muslims, is there hope that our repentance will be accepted”. Thereupon Allah Ta’ala revealed this verse:-
Say (on My behalf), ―O servants of Mine who have acted recklessly against their own selves, do not despair of Allah‘s mercy. Surely, Allah will forgive all sins. Surely, He is the One who is the Most-Forgiving, the Very-Merciful. [Qur’an 39:53]
(Ma’ariful Qur’an, Pg. 574)
In another verse Allah Ta’ala makes mention of a simple solution, yet dynamic in its outcome i.e.
إِنَّ الْحَسَنَاتِ يُذْهِبْنَ السَّيِّئَاتِ ذَلِكَ ذِكْرَى لِلذَّاكِرِينَ
Surely, good deeds erase bad deeds. That is a reminder for the attentive. [Qur’an 11:114]
Another aspect to consider about forgiveness is that doing good deeds such as giving your time and money to charity, is a way for Allah Ta’ala to automatically blot out your sins without you even asking and this will also assist in overcoming the remaining guilt and filthy stain that tarnishes one’s reputation. Nature of man is such that by doing good, we immediately feel great within ourselves.
Remember, in order for major sins to be forgiven, sincere repentance is a condition. Firstly, a person should recognize that what he/she has done is wrong. Secondly, we need to be remorseful of the action committed. Thirdly, we need to acquire a firm determination that we will never do the act again, and finally, we need to ask Allah Ta’ala for forgiveness.
Hazrat Abu Bakr (Radiallahu Anhu) reports that Rasulullah (Sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said, if a Muslim regrettably falls into some sin, he should make wudhu and offer two raka’ats of nafl salaah, that sin will be forgiven. This is known as salaatul taubah (prayer of repentance).
(Musnad Ahmad & Ibn Kathir)
The most beneficial thing for the servant is to remember Allah Almighty constantly. Turn to Allah Ta’ala by making Zikrullah excessively and you will discover true contentment of heart and such tranquillity that is unexplainable. Allah Ta’ala beautifully mentions:
[أَلاَ بِذِكْرِ اللَّهِ تَطْمَئِنُّ الْقُلُوبُ]
Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.
The Best kind of remembrance is to recite the Book of Allah Ta’ala, the Glorious and Exalted.
Allah Ta’ala states:-
[وَنُنَزِّلُ مِنَ الْقُرْءَانِ مَا هُوَ شِفَآءٌ وَرَحْمَةٌ لِّلْمُؤْمِنِينَ]
We send down in the Qur’an that which is a healing and a mercy for those who believe. (Qur’an, 17:82)
Alhamdulillah, the remorse you have portrayed is of a very high calibre and attests the level of your Imaan. There is nothing wrong in feeling horrible, disgusted and ashamed. In fact, if you were not feeling guilty for your action, then this would attest the fact that Shaitaan has mesmerised your mind by depicting evil as good.
If a person has perpetrated the command of Allah Ta’ala, then he sincerely repents having full conviction on the mercy of Allah Ta’ala, together with this the regret and remorse of hisher wrongdoing remains, it will be very foolish of himher to blatantly expose the fault committed. Who are we to expose that which Allah Ta’ala has concealed? When a person exposes hisher faults, it is a sign of one being proud of the sin committed. To expose a sin is considered a sin in itself. Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) mentions in a hadith:
عن أبي عبيدة بن عبد الله عن أبيه قال قال رسثول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم: ( التائب من الذنب كمن لا ذنب له )
“The one who repents from a sin is as if he has not committed any sin at all”.
The human mind is such that it has various storage facilities for all our thoughts and emotions. When an individual feels remorseful or sad, the side that triggers these negative thoughts begin to function and work overtime. This itself is extremely harmful to any person and can lead to a negative outcome. Eventually we end up fighting within ourselves. The solution is to talk out our problems and never feel shy to speak to someone who we have total confidence in and through this spiritual communication, positive outcomes would definitely generate. Generally, we are advised by our seniors through their experiences to link up with our Ulema as this has endless benefits.
Regarding the lectures that you had been giving, do continue, as this is an opportunity to look forward and move on with life. It will help in erasing the past and keep you fully occupied. In fact, it is our duty as Muslims to propagate.
You ought to cut off ties completely with this girl, as she is haraam for you. Insha Allah, she will be kind enough and not expose your faults.
We make dua that Allah Ta’ala makes the journey ahead an easy one and assist all those in distress. Aameen.
And Allāh Ta῾āla Knows Best
Wassalāmu ῾alaykum
Ml. Ebrahim Desai,
Student Dārul Iftā
Checked and Approved by:
Mufti Ebrahim Desai
Dārul Iftā, Madrasah In῾āmiyyah