Answered by: Mufti Nabil Khan
Question:
What to do if you are married to a person, who Allah warned not to marry?
Situation:
My cousin had a crush on me, I was not interested in her. She started chatting with me, appeared more attractive in front of me and finally appealed to me. I proposed for the marriage. Her father wanted to do istikhara first. I was too afraid to do it since I was afraid that it might go against us. Anyways, her mother asked someone to do it for them and it went “well”. Of course, it was a wrong way to do the istikhara. Even without making any intention for the istikhara, I got the clear signal from Allah that I should not marry her. The Signal: I saw her name and below it was a green plus sign and a red minus sign and the red minus sign was selected, while the green one disappeared. Here, my Iman was tested and I failed. I married her anyway, thinking that if any problem occurred, we will realise and part ways. Besides, according to them, their version of “istikhara” went well.
Problem:
It has been 4 years since marriage and life is hell! She has so many personality disorders, including anger management. Our child has some minor birth defects, related to her eyesight and her personality is getting affected by the fights of our parents. I can’t even dare to spend 5 minutes alone with her. She is a great person but we can’t be together.
Biggest problem:
Sex! I have absolutely no sexual or romantic attraction with her. She feels like a sister. Besides, she is my first cousin. I’m deprived of the sexual and romantic peace, which married couples get. This leads me to pornography and it breaks my heart to deprive her of sex as well, as she has no problem with having sex with me. She is even romantically attracted to me. I can’t divorce her because of 2 reasons:
1) My daughter’s personality is already getting affected, if she gets to live with her without me, she will be another patient and will struggle a lot in her life.
2) My wife madly loves me, despite screaming and fighting with me and despite how much she hates my mother. She even said that she will kill herself if I divorced her. So I can’t live with her; I can’t divorce her. It has affected my spiritual life, my personal life, my health and my career. I don’t know what to do.
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
Answer:
It is an important sunnah for a person to make istikharah themself, although it is fine if others make istikharah on one’s behalf.
If the istikharah comes out negative then a person should refrain from making that decision and if it is positive then it is correct to move forward.
In connection to the points that have been made regarding the istikharah prior to your marriage a few things need to be noted.
- Istikharah from one person came out positive. You do not agree with it now because of how the marriage is currently. This does not make the istikharah incorrect, rather the factors that have ruined your marriage matter more at this point.
- You did not make istikharah but saw a sign. Did this happen in a dream or in real life? Seeing a dream is not istikharah itself. Istikharah is a prophetic method to seek Allah’s guidance in a situation.
- You mention your father made istikharah but no mention of the result?
Based on this information provided the only valid istikharah that seems to be done was the one requested by a third party. You state “Of course, it was a wrong way to do the istikhara.” There is no explanation as to why it was done the wrong way. Merely disliking the current marriage does not nullify a valid istikharah that was done.
Currently, you are having marriage problems with your wife and blame the marriage for the child’s disabilities which is ultimately the decree of Allah. Your wife has no fault in these birth defects nor do you. It is a mere test from Allah.
In addition to that, you were “attracted” to your wife before marriage at the beginning of marriage and now that there are rifts and constant fighting between you both she is unattractive and has become like a “sister” thus you began resorting to pornography and deprive her of sexual relations.
In return, your wife loves you, doesn’t want you to leave her, and has issues in terms of her behaviour and conduct.
I would like to make a few points to reflect on first then I would encourage you to seek independent counselling as well as marriage counselling.
- You wanted to marry her, had one positive istikharah and continued with the marriage. You need to commit to working on the marriage and provide change to your family structure instead of blaming the marriage on insufficient istikharah.
- Your wife loves you and deserves to have sexual relationships. There is no justification to resort to pornography and you should forgo this immediately and spend time with your wife intimately.
- You need to stop blaming her for all of the problems and take responsibility for some actions of yours. It is not possible that she independently ruined your marriage when she still loves you and wants to be in the marriage.
- The wife needs to get an independent council to help her manage her behaviour in the home and how she reacts to certain situations. This will help her speak without escalating the situation.
- You both need marriage counselling. Your marriage did not start this way, rather it has evolved into this toxic relationship due to both of your lack of effort in providing a safe environment to resolve issues.
- I would advise you to not mentally abuse your wife. The way this explanation was written shows that you do not value her as much as you need to as her husband. This is wrong and you also need to develop a better approach to your marriage.
Only Allah knows best
Written by Mufti Nabil Khan
Checked and approved by Mufti Mohammed Tosir Miah
Darul Ifta Birmingham