Question: I am 19, and I live in a joint family system with 15 people. My father’s elder brother’s wife exploits my mother, and his younger brother’s wife does not do anything about it. That is why I hate both of them. The more they exploit my mother, the more I hate them. What should I do? Should I fight or just remain silent? I do not want to hate anyone because Allah SWT will not like it. How can I stop hating them?
Answer:
Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your question. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this nonsense from your extended family and I pray that all parties can learn to have good adab, good character, and fear Allah regarding their treatment of others.
Living Separately
Although it may not be possible, my recommendation to you is that you encourage your father to fulfill your mother’s rights and get her separate living quarters. A woman has the right to live separately from her in-laws and this is not asking for something outside of Islam. Please see this link:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/a-wifes-right-to-housing-seperate-from-her-in-laws/
Limiting the Exploitation
If you are unable to move out, then your father must start standing up for your mother. He must tell his sisters-in-law to leave her alone or speak to his brothers or threaten to leave if they do not change. You can encourage your father to do this, and no, you should never get into a fight with anyone about it. You should instead defend your mother politely and stand by her side against all odds. Tell your mother how much you love her and bond with her when you can. This little spark in her life with you can be enough to light up her whole world.
Turn To Allah and Draw Closer To Him
Trust in Allah, rely on Him, and ask him to help your mother out of this painful situation. At this time, you and your mother should devote yourselves to Allah, fear Him as much as you can, know that He is the one who sent this test, and He is watching for a correct reaction. Do not let the Devil persuade you to do something haram in return, and do not leave off worshipping Him because He is worthy of worship no matter what is going on in your life.
Take this opportunity to draw closer to Allah, for there is no better and faster way to draw close to Him than through the shackles of pain and suffering.
Channel all of your pain into discourse with your Lord in the night and wait for Allah to send your family what is best in the timing and manner which He deems fit, without rushing or being impatient. Be the best Muslim that you can be and strive to fulfill Allah’s commands. Do not forget what Allah says of people who are victims:
The Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.’” [Tirmidhi]
Hate
Please see this link on overcoming the hate in your heart for your two aunts. Cleansing your heart of this will be better for you and is more conducive to receiving Allah’s mercy:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/how-do-i-get-rid-of-intense-hate-towards-someone-in-my-workplace/
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.