As Salaamu Alaikum
Question:
I am a VIRGIN male and 29 years old (alhamdulillah). I fear that my future wife won’t be pure as I see muslim women doing haram relationships around me and fear for the same for my future wife. I will Divorce if my future wife is not Virgin as I wont be able to forgive this and would forgive shirk but not this. Women have become so intelligent that they do humen restoration after they have slept with the guy. Also they do ANAL SEX and remain virgin. Also they give blowjobs and allow men to touch them and remain VIRGIN. Their parents don’t know what they are doing. How will I find A PURE Wife as i have been reserved myself and would expect the same. Should I Never marry? Also should I do arranged marriage ( I wont be able to know my wife’s past ) or choose wife after knowing her ( love marriage) in this day and age. Is it haraam to ask her about her past? I have become very frustrated because after 5 or 5 years marriage would be on my mind. Are there no pure women in this day and age. What should i do remain CELIBATE my entire life?
Wa Alaikum As Salaam
Answer:
Bismillahi wa billahi at Tawfeeq
Firstly we would like to commend you, on your efforts to remain chaste. This is admirable, and we pray to Almighty Allah that he enables you to continue to remain chaste. Ameen.
You seem to be quite troubled about being able to find a righteous and chaste wife. It is quite normal for a young person such as yourself to worry about marriage. However, there is no need to become despondent of finding the right partner. Yes, it is true that there are a lot of people who outwardly appear to be righteous, and dress in the clothes of the righteous, however they are anything but righteous behind close doors. This is a sad reality. However, this is the case with both men and women. Can we then say that there are no chaste and righteous men, that a chaste woman could marry? Based on what you have said you have kept yourself away from having any illicit contact with those of the opposite gender. We commend you for this. However, if a man like you exists amongst the many who may outwardly look and act like you but who may not be chaste, then why can’t there be a chaste woman as well among those who aren’t .
We as men know that if we look in the right places, we will find that there are many other men who also refrain from interacting with the opposite gender. The same is the case with women. There are many women who just like men will suppress their desires for the pleasure of Allah.
Thus, the important thing is to choose your spouse in the correct manner. You mentioned love marriages. Think about it brother, you are looking for a righteous woman. If a woman is willing to interact with you in an impermissible manner and if you are willing to interact with her, in an impermissible manner then you are already off to a terrible start. That is not the way of righteous people. A righteous person on the other hand would say, that they do not want to engage in haram activities.
The concept of dating, etc does not have any place in Islam nor does it ensure a successful marriage. This is evident, because although dating has become a normal feature in marriages these days, the divorce rate continues to rise.
The concept of dating is basically to find the perfect spouse (If such a person even exists). Therefore, it is not farfetched to believe that a person (male or female) may often talk to more than one person.
Think about it, we have a Muslim man or woman, who believes that it is ok to go against the laws of Islam, who believes in speaking to and meeting with someone (and sometimes more than one person) of the opposite gender for a long period of time, and at the end of it they are not even sure, if they are even going to marry this person or not. What criteria are they using to determine their life partner? It definitely isnt deen, because both parties are openly breaking the laws of Islam. And deen is the main criteria for a successful marriage.
Who is more likely to be unfaithful, someone who believes that breaking the laws of Allah is alright (or according to some people necessary, nauzubilah) or someone who upholds the laws of Allah, and does not believe, in speaking to someone of the opposite gender, more than necessary.
There is however nothing wrong with finding out about your prospective spouse beforehand. Rather this is encouraged, but it should be done in the right manner.
One way to do so is by employing the help of your female relatives. Just as you would have a good idea about the males in your community, or your masjid. Likewise your female relatives would know about the women in your community. If your sister for instance was to say to you that there are no good men out there, that she could marry, you may say no, I know of such and such person who is very righteous. Your female relatives would In Sha Allah, be able to assist you in a like manner.
Even if they do not know of anyone personally, they would be able to find out, by asking those who may know. Women are excellent matchmakers; especially elderly women.
You may also consult the local scholars or elders, in your community who might suggest an appropriate spouse.
If what you hear about a particular prospect pleases you then, before approaching her family, do a thorough investigation on her. Find out who she is, where is she from, her lineage, her family, what is she like etc. If one has female family members, they can really help here.
A good place to start is by identifying somebody whom you know, and who also knows the potential spouse. It is vital to gather as much information as possible about her. This will really help when selecting a spouse. If a person is good natured and noble, everyone will give a positive description. Thus, you will get a good picture of the person in your mind before you even see her.
An important point here is to also get opinions on the looks of the person in mind. This is equally important. If one is not attracted to his/her spouse, it can lead one to a lot of sin.
If you are pleased with the information that you are getting then, the next step is to make Salatul istikhara for the prospective spouse with a clear mind and with complete reliance on Allah. If after istikhara, you feel an inclination towards marrying her then you may approach her parents via your parents. Kindly take note, that seeing a dream is not necessary for a positive reply.
Each of you may take a brief glance at each other to know if you find each other physically appealing. However, only the face may be seen. Give her family ample time to properly investigate you and make their decision. Make dua to Allah constantly. If you get a positive reply, then Alhamdulillah. If not, then don’t lose hope and try again. Remember, that just because you had a positive response from your istikhara, it doesn’t mean that you are destined to marry her.
If you follow the teachings of Islam and are patient In Sha Allah, Allah will grant you a righteous spouse.
Another thing we would like to address here is the matter of virginity.
You need to understand that a woman can lose her virginity through means other than sexual relations, for example, jumping, excessive bleeding during her menses, injury or even by the passage of time. However, according to the Shari’ah, in all of the above situations, she would still be regarded or will still fall under the category of a virgin and the laws of virginity will still be applicable to her. (Hidaya vol.2 pg 337 Maktabah Rahmaniyah )
Marriage is a union based on trust and understanding . One should avoid unnecessary doubts and suspicions. Just because a woman doesn’t bleed, when she loses her virginity doesn’t give the husband the right to accuse his wife of not being a virgin. As we have already mentioned, the Sharia considered her to be a virgin, thus the husband and the rest of the community need to also follow suit.
You made an appaling statement in your question. Are you really saying that you would prefer to marry a woman who commits shirk rather than a believing woman who is not a virgin. Who are you to forgive shirk? What do you even mean by that? Are you truly saying that if you had to choose between a righteous woman, who made a mistake in the past and lost her virginity but who then repented, and a woman who associates partners with Allah, that you would rather the polytheist? That is the height of ignorance. It isn’t even permissible in Islam to marry a polytheist. We ask Allah to protect us from making such statements and to forgive us for our mistakes.
No one is saying that you should marry a non-virgin. By all means marry a virgin. But to give the issue of virginity so much importance, and to actually think that not being a virgin is worse than committing shirk, is going way overboard. There are limits to everything and as Muslims, we need to keep to the limits and submit to the laws of Allah regardless of how we feel about it. It is absolutely impermissible to accuse ones wife of infidelity, simply based on whether she bleeds or not.
Your desire to ensure the purity of your wife is a natural feeling, and the Sharia considers it to be an admirable trait, as long as it is kept within the bounds of the Sharia. Therefore, one should be very careful about one’s statements and should never allow emotion to cloud one’s judgement. Especially, when it comes to the matters of deen.
We will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that perhaps you were writing this in an emotional state and didn’t realize what you were actually saying. But you should be very careful in the future.
We make dua to Allah that he makes it easy for you, and that he grants you a righteous spouse who will be a means of benefit and comfort in this world and the next. We also make dua that Allah guides you and enables you to acquire all the qualities of a righteous husband, and lastly, that he grants you righteous offspring. Ameen.
And Allah knows best.
Mufti Waheeb Sayied
18/02/2019