Aoa,
I have a question about an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship with my husband. I have been married for 2.5 years and have a daughter 4 months old. My husband has depression/anxiety and bipolar mania, diagnosed by a counselor. He has in the past said things like ‘mein tumhein talaq doonga’ and recently said things to me ‘bethi raho america mein apnay maa baap ke paas’ and similar stuff. He has said demeaning things to me and my family, is not willing to put in any effort for our relationship to work, and has grown up in a very abusive family where he had to act as the sole provider of this family since childhood.
He moved to America and lived here for 3 months but had to return to take an exam which he hasn’t been able to pass for the last 10 years and its keeping him from finishing his degree. We had our daughter the day he arrived. Before that we lived in Dubai in non-joint family system. He is a very negative and unpredictable person, I feel like walking on egg shells, my entire family has tried to please him in every single way. He uses insulting language and threats to make me scared and I do live in fear many around him.
Please advise me if I should continue to live with him and if the words about separation he said are enough to qualify for divorce?
Thank you!
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
Sister in Islam,
You refer to two issues in your query:
(1) Abuse in the marriage. (2) Words of divorce.
We take note of the contents of your email and the challenges you are being faced with. We are deeply disturbed by the account of your turbulent marriage and by your husband’s immoral behaviour. It is indeed sad to note that you had to face such tragic circumstances in your marriage.
If what you state about your husband reflects the reality, then it is clear that he is an irresponsible husband. He is guilty of negligence in his marital obligations.
Shariah condemns all forms of abuse including physical and emotional abuse. No woman deserves to be “physically and emotionally abused” by her husband.
The statement ‘mein tumhein talaq doonga’ constitutes a promise and a threat to divorce. A promise of divorce is not considered a talaaq (divorce) in Shariah. [1]
Regarding the statement ‘bethi raho america mein apnay maa baap ke paas’, divorce will take place only if the husband intended divorce with the above statement. If your husband intended divorce, then one talaaqe-baain (irrevocable divorce) will take place, which terminates the nikaah immediately.
We advise you to discuss your frustration with the seniors of your family, and explain to them what you are going through. Tell them about the behaviour of your husband and how the abuse is having a negative impact in your life. They should take the matter up with the seniors of your husband’s family with the hope of amicably resolving the issue.
Allah Ta’ala says:
وَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ شِقَاقَ بَيْنِهِمَا فَابْعَثُوا حَكَمًا مِّنْ أَهْلِهِ وَحَكَمًا مِّنْ أَهْلِهَا إِن يُرِيدَا إِصْلَاحًا يُوَفِّقِ اللَّهُ بَيْنَهُمَا ۗ إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ عَلِيمًا خَبِيرًا
Translation: If you fear that the couple may separate, then appoint (with their consent) a mediator from his family and a mediator from her family (because relatives generally have a more thorough knowledge of the situation). If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will create unity between the couple (if this is best for them). Verily Allah is All Knowing, Informed.
(Surah Al-Nisaa, Verse 35)
If after making attempts of reconciliation, they find no solutions to your marriage and that you are being oppressed, you should make istikhara and make a decision accordingly.
Sister, you are very close to Allah. Put your trust in Allah and seek strength from him. Du’aa is the weapon of a believer. Implore Allah Taa’la to change the temperament of your husband and make him loving to you.
We also advise you to perform Salaatul Hajaah and seek assistance from the Almighty.
May Allah Taa’la ease your pain and suffering and alleviate the predicament you are faced with. Aameen
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Muhammad I.V Patel
Student Darul Iftaa
Lusaka, Zambia
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
_______
[1]الفتاوى الهندية – ط. دار الفكر (1/ 355)
وَلَوْ قال لها أَطْلَقْتُك إنْ نَوَى بِهِ الطَّلَاقَ يَقَعُ وَإِلَّا فَلَا كَذَا في فَتَاوَى قَاضِي خَانْ وَلَوْ قال أَنْتِ مُطْلَقَةٌ أو يا مُطْلَقَةُ بِتَسْكِينِ الطَّاءِ وَالتَّخْفِيفِ لَا يَكُونُ طَلَاقًا إلَّا بِالنِّيَّةِ كَذَا في السِّرَاجِ الْوَهَّاجِ
(1/ 384)
في الْمُحِيطِ لو قال بِالْعَرَبِيَّةِ أُطَلِّقُ لَا يَكُونُ طَلَاقًا إلَّا إذَا غَلَبَ اسْتِعْمَالُهُ لِلْحَالِ فَيَكُونُ طَلَاقًا وفي إيمَانِ مَجْمُوعِ النَّوَازِلِ سُئِلَ نَجْمُ الدِّينِ عن امْرَأَةٍ قالت لِزَوْجِهَا من بِرّ تَوّ سَهِّ طَلَاقه أَمْ فقال الزَّوْجُ هَلَّا هل تَطْلُقُ ثَلَاثًا قال لَا إلَّا أَنْ يَنْوِيَهَا وَلَوْ قالت لِزَوْجِهَا حَلَال خَدًّا بِرّ توحرام فقال آرِيّ حُرِّمَتْ عليه بِتَطْلِيقَةٍ سُئِلَ نَجْمُ الدِّينِ عن رَجُلٍ قال لِامْرَأَتِهِ اذْهَبِي إلَى بَيْتِ أُمِّك فقالت طَلَاق دَهٍ تابروم فقال تَوّ بَرْو من طَلَاقِ دُمَادِم فَرُسْتُمُ قال لَا تَطْلُقُ لِأَنَّهُ وَعْدٌ كَذَا في الْخُلَاصَةِ
الدر المختار وحاشية ابن عابدين (رد المحتار) (3/ 297)
(قوله قضاء) قيد به لأنه لا يقع ديانة بدون النية، ولو وجدت دلالة الحال فوقوعه بواحد من النية أو دلالة الحال إنما هو في القضاء فقط كما هو صريح البحر وغيره
المحيط البرهاني في الفقه النعماني (3/ 472)
وبالعربية قوله: أطلق، لا يكون طلاقاً في أنه دائر بين الحال والاستقبال فلم يكن تحقيقاً مع الشك حتى أن موضع علمت استعماله للحال كان تحقيقاً
أحسن الفتاؤي جلد٥ ص١٤٨ ايچ ايم سعيد
فتاؤي عثماني جلد ٢ ص٣٤٦
فتاؤي دار العلوم ديو بند جلد٩ ص٢٨٥
اور شوہر کا یہ قول کہ میں تجھے ضرور طلاق دے دوں گا حسب تفسیر فقہاء مذاکرہ طلاق نہیں ہے ۔ کیونکہ لفظ استقبال سے طلاق واقع نہیں ہوتی اور وہ لغو ہوتا ہے ۔