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How Can I Marry When I Feel That a Man Becomes the Master of His Wife?

Answered as per Shafi'i Fiqh by Seekersguidance.org

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question:

I’m a teenager who is struggling with her deen, mainly because I need to follow all the commands of my husband, which are halal. Now, for example, he commands me not to own a phone; does it become obligatory for me to obey? Or suppose he asks for a glass of water, and I refuse because I don’t feel like it. Did I just sin? If I ask for water and he refuses, did he sin or not? Can I have my own opinion, disagree on anything? What if I am right? How far can he take it?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. May Allah reward you for asking this question because when you are unclear about something in your religion, you must clear it up so that you don’t build up many doubts about it.

Kindness

The first command that both spouses must follow is to live with each other in tranquility and kindness, as Allah ordered us in the Qur’an: “And of His signs is that He created for you wives from yourselves that you might find tranquility in them, and He set between you love and affection. In these are signs for people who reflect. “[Qur’an, 30:21]

Why listen?

One might ask why on Earth one should obey their husband in all permissible things. The reason is simple. Allah has given men the obligation of taking care of women, and he asked them to be the team leader. A family, or team, or delegation, or senate, or caravan, or company, or any group at all, cannot succeed without a leader, a coach, or a supervisor. A woman’s obligations are very few:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/shafii-fiqh/what-are-my-obligations-in-obeying-my-husband-in-the-shafii-school/
In addition to the obligations in the link, she is encouraged to:

-provide wholesome food for the family
-keep the home and children clean
-embody the teachings of Islam in the running of her home
-be available to her husband for intimacy and be kind to him
-note that all of the above a part of one’s natural fitra (original disposition) anyway

Cooperate for Allah

Getting married simply means that one has agreed to take a suitable man to be the leader of their family and that one plans to support and love him. When marriage is not wrapped up in goodness, then both parties are not obeying Allah, and obeying Allah is the priority. Support, love, mercy, and kindness are the very pillars of a happy marriage, and you must be willing to play your part. Happiness can’t be achieved with only one party being nice.

A wife’s rights

A wife’s rights are vast in Islam, and your question shows me that you have not studied the rights and obligations of marriage. She may express her feelings, her opinions, she may refuse him if she has a valid excuse, and she may not be abused in any way whatsoever. There are limits in asking her to do too much, and she is not expected to make herself suffer to please him. They are both responsible to make their home a haven and act according to Islamic teachings. Please be sure to take a marriage course and fiqh course to clear your doubts:

https://academy.seekersguidance.org/enrol/index.php?id=282

https://seekersguidance.org/courses/absolute-essentials-of-islam-hanafi-getting-started-with-your-belief-and-practice/

Resources

My answer has been brief, but you will find all the elaborate details in this excellent answer:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/im-fearful-islam-causing-depression-can/
Also, see https://seekersguidance.org/uncategorized/do-i-have-to-obey-my-husband-in-everything/.

Disagreement

When a problem arises, the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) has taught us how to go about resolving it. Among these steps are supplication, communication, consultation, mediation. If problems persist, a couple can spend some time apart, or go to a judge for help, or seek out other options. Allah has made a way out for women and men but asks us to treat each other with kindness, in marriage or in separation. Please see these links about dealing with disagreements:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/how-do-i-deal-with-an-unhappy-marriage/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/abusive-relationship/

In the Qu’ran, Allah does not call him your master, but rather, He uses this metaphor in His book: “They are a garment for you, and you are a garment for them. [Qur’an, 2:187] Ponder that.

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.

This answer was collected from Seekersguidance.org. It’s an online learning platform overseen by Sheikh Faraz Rabbani. All courses are free. They also have in-person classes in Canada.

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