Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question:
I have a really long question which I hope you can bring my heart at peace in sha Allah. I already criticize and blame myself a lot. I was in a haram relationship with a girl whom I intended to marry, but due to my family situation and my personal situation, I did not tell my parents, and now I have found out that she has married somebody else and now I live with depression. What should I do?
Answer:
Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you are dealing with this pain and loss at the same time. I pray that you can work yourself out of this and come out stronger and better than before. This is actually better for you.
Qadr
I thought of you when I read this hadith, The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace), said, “The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, although both are good. Strive for that which will benefit you, seek the help of Allah, and do not feel helpless. If anything befalls you, do not say, ‘if only I had done such and such ‘rather say ‘Qaddara Allahu wa ma sha’a fa’ala (Allah has decreed and whatever he wills, He does). ‘For (saying) ‘If’ opens (the door) to the deeds of Satan. ‘”[Ibn Maja]
Busy yourself with good
Take the advice in this hadith literally. Ask Allah to busy you with what will benefit you. Learn more about your religion, pray more, supplicate more, and keep the company of positive, devoted people. It is particularly important to fight depression with physical exercise and healthy eating. Make that a part of your daily routine, and take supplements for wellness.
Despair
Do not despair of Allah’s mercy. He has told us in His words, “Say, ˹O Prophet, that Allah says,˺ “O My servants who have exceeded the limits against their souls! Do not lose hope in Allah’s mercy, for Allah certainly forgives all sins. He is indeed the All-Forgiving, Most Merciful. [Qur’an, 39:53]
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) also told us this, “All the sons of Adam are sinners, but the best of sinners are those who are given to repentance. “[Ibn Maja & Tirmidhi] Once you have repented sincerely for this, you should place your trust in Allah and hope. See the details here:
https://seekersguidance.org/articles/featured-articles/what-are-the-conditions-of-making-tawba-transcript-ustadh-abdullah-misra/
Trust
This girl was not meant for you, and it is good that Allah separated you like this. Although it is painful, it could have been far worse. She could have fallen pregnant, or your secret could have been exposed. Make sure that you don’t speak to her again and erase her contact details. Let her focus on her new marriage and family and don’t sabotage her new life. She is responsible for her own tawba. Intend to move past this and to eventually forget about your past.
Please see these excellent tips for fighting depression:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/depression-and-sadness/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/general-counsel/emotional-distress-dealing-with-broken-relationships/
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.