Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question:
I have been married for eight and a half years and have two young children. I have been through cancer six months into my marriage. I have brought up my children by myself and looked after my husband too. He is addicted to drugs and provides us with a haram income, and only talks to me when he wants sex. He left us a month ago now, after cursing and shouting at me, and left me scared with his behavior. He never helped us at all. He is not willing to change. What shall I do?
Answer:
Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your question. I am heartbroken at your predicament, and I pray that Allan sends you a solution. May Allah reward you for your courage and patience.
Abuse
There is no question that you are in a situation that leaves you with very few options. His treatment of you is impermissible, his own actions against himself are impermissible, and his income is impermissible. Just one of these reasons suffices as grounds for divorce. Your patience will be rewarded, and your supplication will be heard. Make this difficulty an opportunity to connect with your Lord precious and supplicate to Him for all your needs.
The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “There are three whose supplication is not rejected: The fasting person when he breaks his fast, the just leader, and the supplication of the oppressed person; Allah raises it up above the clouds and opens the gates of heaven to it. And the Lord says: ‘By My might, I shall surely aid you, even if it should be after a while.'” [Tirmidhi]
Steps
I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you to pray istikhara, list out your reasons for staying with him or for leaving, and follow your heart. Ask yourself these questions. Do you feel there is more or less harm in staying with him? Does he abuse the children? Might there be some benefit in waiting until your youngest child is seven years old or older? Do you want more children with him? Do you work? Can you work and support yourself? If you do decide to separate, you will need a financial plan and be prepared to fight in court for custody. In the meanwhile, if you feel at any time that he is a threat to you or the children, you should never hesitate to call the police.
You
Please take the necessary measures to take care of yourself during this trying time. Do something that is good for your body and soul to keep from getting burnt out. Keep the company of positive and loving family and friends. Go out in nature, walk, exercise, do a charitable deed, or help another in need. My teacher once told me nothing takes care of a problem better than giving charity. Try keeping a journal to get your emotions out and to write down what you are grateful for.
Whatever you are going through now was written before you were born but try to find the little moments of goodness and joy, be thankful for them and build on them. Allah tells us, “And ˹remember˺ when your Lord proclaimed, ‘If you are grateful, I will certainly give you more. But if you are ungrateful, surely My punishment is severe.'” [Qur’an, 14:7]
See these links as well:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/addiction/my-brother-is-addicted-to-drugs-and-violent/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/addiction/religious-husband-succumbed-to-alcohol-for-anxiety/
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next and facilitate your matters for you.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.