Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: Assalam aleykum,
I recently got rejected by a brother who I was communicating with through a muslim marriage site because his mom felt he should marry someone younger than him. I’m heartbroken because up to that point I thought everything was going very smoothly and I’m not the type of person his mom thinks. Should I contact him and try to reason?
Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us. Please forgive me for the delay.
You are right – the age gap between the Prophet Muhammad (upon him be blessings and peace) and our Liegelady Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her) shows that there is no shame in a man marrying an older woman.
However – that is the ideal, and real life Muslims rarely behave like Prophets and Companions. The sooner you accept this reality, then the easier it will be for you to cope with your current challenges.
I encourage you to read Before You Tie the Knot: A Guide for Couples.
If your future husband is unable to stand firm on what he wants, then the disapproval of your future mother-in-law can cause great harm to your marriage.
If the man you are interested in ended up rejecting you because of what his mother said about your age, then that is not a good sign. It is crucial for you to marry a man who is secure enough in his opinions, and who will not end up choosing his mother over you.
Prayer of Guidance
I encourage you to perform the Prayer of Guidance about how to move forward before you make any final decisions. Please watch and see what unfolds.
For example, if you do reach out to this young man, and if he ignores your requests. to reason with him, then please consider that a sign to stop pursuing marriage to him. However, if you do reach out to him and he sounds willing to persuade his mother, then consider that a sign to work this out.
Try to remain objective, instead of being attached to any particular outcome.
As heartbroken as you may feel right now, trust that who you marry is already written for you.
It may be difficult to comprehend when you are already attached to someone. Consider this a lesson to not give your heart away until your nikah is over.
I pray that Allah blesses you with a righteous and loving husband.
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.