Asalaam o Aleikum`
I got married in July last year in NY than moved with my husband. Before marriage my husbands’ parents stated he was very pious and used to sit in Aitikaaf. My mom’s sister and her husband went to meet my husband and said they were pleased. My husband was working and expressed that he wanted to get married to one of the Pakistani friend who then mentioned this to his brother. My husbands’ friend’s brother introduced my husband to my moms’ sister and her husband. I saw my husband once and asked him if he prayed 5 times, practiced halal life style, and abides by Quran and Sunnah in everyday life. He answered yes in person and yes over the phone. When I went to register the marriage with my husband, I asked him, “Please tell me if you were ever married before, this is your first marriage, right?” He responded yes.
After getting married to him he did not give me the mehr of $1000 due on the night of the wedding but secured it in his safe in the hotel. He was very rude with me the next day and misbehaved and used force while consummating. He did not give me my mehr until we took a plane to ….. He did not let me stay in my mom’s house for even a day. He did not carry my luggage until the TSA female employee told him that he should be carrying my luggage if we were flying together. My husband did not give me the mehr even when I asked about it. I told him that it is my right from Allah that he is to give it to me, and pay the rest later in life. Immediate mehr due was $1000 and $9,000 was due later in life. My husband ignored me regarding mehr. He was always on the phone and would fight over bringing groceries or spending money on me when needed. His temper was out of control every day. He prayed when he wanted to and abandoned prayer when he wanted to. I was scared and called my moms’ sister to tell her that he did not give me my mehr. He yells and screams and is always on the phone and says FBI is after him. My moms’ sister and her husband came to inquire but my husband did not answer why he did not give mehr. He refused to explain or show his phone bill as to why he is constantly on the phone. He misbehaved with my uncle and aunt. I went to Atlanta with my uncle and aunt for a week. My husband came to pick me up after a week. My husband fought with me every week without a reason. He threw mehr on my face when I came back.
He demanded his rights of physical intimacy whenever he deemed fit but refused to respect me or even treat me like a human being. He would always talk about his rights but never worried about my expanses of maintenance money or credit card. He continued to misbehave with me and I tolerated it praying to Allah that his behavior would change but it did not change. He was very cheap when it came to spending on me. He did not even do walima until after one month of marriage. He did not stay home on the day of Walima in when my mom and sister came to attend. He was busy talking about one of the woman who used to work with him. When we arrived at reception he failed to have soft drinks. His friends put on music while he was well aware that I do not listen to music as it is haram. His company people were drinking on my reception and invited him to drink with them and smoke. My husband said they were just playing and he does not drink or smoke. He was involved with one of the white woman whom he had talked about earlier. He was busy talking about her and how she got divorced and she needs help while he spent the day of the walima with her alone while my family was waiting for him at home.
After a month I found out that I got pregnant and my husband had indicated earlier that he does not want me to use birth control as he would use it, if needed. I prayed to Allah for my husbands’ behavior to get better but it did not. He continued to come home when he wanted to, he would completely disregard me and my presence at home but demanded sexual favors and all of the housework to be completed no matter what my situation was. I went to his boss house and his boss said that he heard my husband gave up drinking now but he used to drink before? My husband said his boss was joking and disregarded everything.
He demanded sexual favors 3 or 4 times during a day and did not care about my pain. Even while pregnant, I ended up in the Emergency due to spotting when Doctor said no sexual contact or I could get a miscarriage. I feared my safety but my husband did not care and continued to perform his sexual affairs when he deemed fit in the morning, night, and evening. I told him I wanted to go to NY. He booked my ticket to NY. Next morning he was with the same woman who came on our walima. Pictures were posted on Facebook of her intimately pressing her private parts against my husband. Picture also showed my husband enjoying smoking and flirting with the woman who once used to work with her. When I came back from NY he promised my mom that he would take care of me in pregnancy but refused to do so in …. I was throwing up one day from morning to night but my husband left the house without informing me to meet the same woman who was in our walima, the same woman who my husband spent days with in Florida when I was gone to New York, and this time around he booked a hotel room alone for himself and her in Florida. When my mom called he lied and said he was with one of his friends. He was not with one of his male friends as I confronted the friend he named and his friend said he has not seen my husband for the past three months. I called the hotel in to find out what happened and the hotel manager confirmed that my husband booked the flight on Friday through priceline while my husband lied to me and said that he had reserved the booking week in advance for both of us. The Hotel Manager also confirmed that she remembered my husband entered with a woman and she left the next day while he left later on Friday night. I did not confront my husband but cried and prayed to Allah to change his heart as I was also pregnant with a baby.
My husband continued to fight, mistreated me whenever he liked, continued to demand sexual favors from me, and screamed at me whenever he spent money on groceries or when I once bought an undergarment and shirt. His behavior got worst to a point where he twisted my hands when I was quiet for an hour while he was busy accusing me of things I did not do. I was quiet so he would stop yelling, throwing objects, and accusing me but he did not stop. He would tell me to get out of his house whenever he wished. He once told me to leave the house while I was pregnant at 1 am. His parents did not listen to my mom or me when we tried to advise his parents about his whereabouts. Instead they stopped talking to my mom. My mom spent money on my clothing, shoes, jacket, and driving classes. My husband and his family demanded furniture that my mom shipped to …. I prayed to Allah to change my situation and took my husband to ICNA convention to see if his heart would change. He acted content one minute and angry the next about speakers. I prayed to Allah to change his heart. After convention, his behavior continued to worsen as he spent his time watching porn, masturbating, dirty filthy sexual movies. And had numbers of unlimited girls on his phone. He would never shave his pubic hair and I advised him that his prayers would not be accepted until he was clean. He would tell me to wash his underwear separately and would lock his room while I was in the guest room. He would take car keys with him to work for both cars. He treated me more like a made and less like a wife.
I got fever, chills, and puss filled blisters. When I went to the Emergency the nurse said it was Genital Herpes 2 but I said to her that I was a VIRGIN when I got married how is it possible? She saod she is 100 percent sure it is HERPES. My husband yelled when I told my mom that I got Herpes Simplex Virus 2. I got herpes from my husband. My husband began accusing me later said he does not know how he got it from . I waited a week and went to my Gynecologist and she said that she tested me for all STDs when I first came and I tested negative. She told my husband that he was not a virgin when he married me and that he gave me HERPES. My husband continued to lie until half an hour when he confessed he was not a virgin at the time he got married. I cried non stop thinking he married me on purpose to give me this disease while he took great control of his diet, did not shave his hairs so I don’t see his private part, and infected me on the second day and did not tell me that all this time he had Genital HERPES. He told me to “shut the fuck up and never tell any Doctor that he gave me Herpes.” His behavior worsened with me. I cried nonstop when I came home for weeks. I asked Gynecologist to send both of us for 5 panel tests for other Sexually Transmitted Diseases.
Gynecologist said my husband had HERPES 1 AND 2. He got this from having sex with multiple partners. My husband mentioned earlier in marriage he used to go for blowjobs in the bar with his friends. I also knew about him staying in the hotel with a woman who came in my walima pretending to be his friend. He was found with her on 2 separate days. Due to stress I began having contractions in 5 months of pregnancy and Doctor recommended that I do not take stress or my condition will worsen. My husband accused me in the ER that he does not know who I slept with in NY and he got this from me. He said a lot of other bad stuff as I continued to pray and cry to Allah.
After a week my husband apologized and said I was a VIRGIN when he married me and that he was responsible for transmitting HERPED to me. He later CONFESSED he was in a relationship for 2 years with a woman and she got cancer later so he left her and broke up with her. Later showed me a GOOD BEHAVIOR BOND complaint advising her to NOT APPROACH HIM Anywhere. This is a sentence option under which a person found guilty of an offence promises to be of good behavior for a stipulated period. My husband said she infected him. I told my husband I cannot believe by what he said and would need to speak to her to listen to her side of the story. He said NO because SHE told FBI agent to watch over him when he goes to PAKISTAN and he DOES NOT WANT ANYONE TO CONTACT HER. My husband was secretive about his phone and changed his code every week so I do not access his phone. He would disappear in night for 5 hours and would come back when he deemed fit. He told me continue to live with him and let him do whatever he wants or I should take my stuff and go. I later found out that the case my husband was talking about was ALREADY OVER. He lied once again. He closed my credit card and did not give me any money the MINUTE he found out that I was aware HE TRANSMITTED HERPES to me. Prior to this story, my husband said he DOES NOT know who GAVE him HERPES through ORAL, ANAL, or VAGINAL sex. Later, I told my husband to release his medical records to me and I will release all of my records to him. He only released the names of 2 of his Doctors but did not provide any information of records Later, my Gynecologist confirmed that his antibodies were present and well developed which means he had HERPES long time ago. This was my first out break so I did not develop any antibodies yet.
One Day my husband left his room door open and I went through his bag to find his passport. His passport indicated that he got his GREEN CARD through Category 6. My sister researched and found out that he was MARRIED from before and Filed a Waiver to get a DIVORCE to OBTAIN his GREEN CARD. ONCE AGAIN, My husband LIED about not being MARRIED. I kept this secret in my heart and did not confront my husband as I feared his behavior would get worst with me. I went through his reports which showed that he told the Doctor that he drank Alcohol 3 to 5 times a day. I did not confront my husband. He made my life a living hell and I moved back in January 8 to my aunt house in to moms house in . He did not send me money or credit card but called to say, “I got what I deserved, GENITIAL HERPES 2 and that he would fight tooth to nail for his baby.”
My baby is due . He lied about his previous marriage, he admitted he infected me with HERPES 2, and there is no guarantee that he would stop sleeping around with woman and I fear that I may contract HPV, Aids, Syphillis, and /or CHLAMYDIA from him. I fear my life. He smokes a lot and used to smoke weed earlier in college days, I know he drinks alcohol, is a womanizer, and smokes cigarettes nonstop. I want to know if under these circumstances it is my right to FILE for DIVORCE? How can I live with a man who was a FRAUD all along. I read a FATWA online and it STATED Herpes Patient should Only Be Married to another Herpes Patient. It is HARAM to defraud someone by marrying a SPOUSE with intent to infect with Herpes to have a family. I was a VIRGIN when I married him and he told my mom several times that I was a VIRGIN. However, he DID NOT DISCLOSE being PREVIOUSLY MARRIED, PREVIOUSLY ALCOHOLIC, SMOKER, AND ZINA CONSUMPTION. HE DID NOT MENTION HE WAS NOT RELIGIOUS AND JUST WANTED TO ABUSE ME SEXUALLY, PSYCOLOGICALLY, AND EMOTIONALLY.
Am I wrong in FILING for DIVORCE in COURT? I have to wait 6 Months and IT IS ONLY THAN that I can FILE for DIVORCE IN NY Per Attorney. In the mean time, I am not sure if my Husband would file for DIVORCE or Not. Please give FATWA on this situation.
- Is it right to leave him as he married me by defrauding me WITHOUT DISCLOSING that he WAS Married from Before and Was NOT SINGLE? HE infected me with sexually transmitted disease (Herpes 2) to while knowing that I Would Contract this Disease through consummation of marriage?
- Is it right to leave him as his behavior of sleeping with other women did not end?
- Is it right to leave him because he treats me like his mistress not his wife without fulfilling the rights given to me by Allah?
- Is it right to leave him if I want to provide Islamic environment for my son that I am pregnant with?
- Is it right to leave him because he has not changed despite many efforts. He lies whenever he speak, hides the truth, keeps his secret, treats me like a burden, abuses me verbally, sexually, emotionally, and psychologically. I don’t want my son to suffer. Please advise!
My husbands’ family is quiet and they are not talking to my mom. My father passed away. I am an orphan. Mom is a widow with 2 daughters and 1 son. I need your FATWA to make a right decision regarding my life.
Sister in ISLAM
الجواب وبالله التوفيق
As per the situation described in your question, it is permissible from a Shar‘ai standpoint to demand for divorce. However if the divorce is issued, you can only demand for the expenses of the period of ‘iddat. It is impermissible to demand for anything else.
واللہ اعلم بالصواب