Question
A Muslim boy and I want to marry but his parents say that he can only marry after he is established and after his siblings marry first, but my parents won’t wait that long. What is the solution for this as I don’t want to lose this person?
Answer
Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration and I pray that you come to find a solution with your prospective suitor. This might be out of your hands.
Timing
It is true that timing is very important for a young couple, and it is reasonable, though not necessary, that a man is established before he marries. It is unreasonable however that his siblings marry before him, as that is not important at all, nor part of the sunnah. If his parents are not able to support him for early marriage, then it leaves you with two choices.
Options
First, you can have him convince his parents, even if it takes a while, and have them come over with a formal proposal. The marriage date can be set later, and if your parents see that this family is serious, they might consider letting you have a long engagement (which is not that great) or a nikah. If he doesn’t officially propose, your parents will not see how important this is to him.
Second, if the young man is unable to convince his family to move forward, you can either just wait to see if it works out later, or you can walk away. You may or may not end up with him, but you must be patient and accept Allah’s decree as He knows what is best for you. It will be painful, but time and dhikr (remembrance of Allah) heal a broken heart. Take a look at these tips:
What Should I Do About Stubborn Parents Who Refuse My Potential Suitor?
Why Did My Parents Reject My Potential Suitor?
Distance
A broken heart might be inevitable and I want you to make sure that you don’t continue any attachment or relationship with him. Keep your distance and stay within the rules of gender interaction. Communicating with him after this will only cause bigger problems and you may be wasting your time as you don’t know how you will end up. Remember that you want to marry into a family that values you and wants you, not one that feels compelled to let their son marry you. See these links for more info:
Some Principles of Gender Interaction in Islam
A Reader On Gender Interaction
6 Things You Need to Remember While Mending Your Broken Heart
Preparation
In the meanwhile, busy yourself with good and prepare yourself for marriage. You must know your personally obligatory fiqh and your rights and obligations within marriage, in order to embark on this journey. This will give you clarity and ease whatever situation you end up in. Make Allah your primary intention and trust that the next thing will have barakah in it.
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.