Thank you for providing this platform. I hope to be fair with my situation and provide the best and be just on both sides.
I got married in 2011, I was more close to my sisters than my mother as I have trust issues with her. When I got married, I came to know that my husband wasn’t fully honest about his health. Our marriage was not consummated for 10 years. I shared this with my sisters and they told me not to leave him as he is a friend of my eldest sister’s husband. She told me that “this is such a lame reason to leave someone”. And my another elder sister said that I should seek help. After that, my eldest sister stated that she has nothing to do with anything and this is my life and she doesn’t interfere. My another sister continued to give advices which were not helpful and only escalated more problems. She kept her opinion consistent and advice that “after a year, it is not easy” and the statement continued after every year. She continued to grow her family while pushing that it is not easy. My relationship with my sister began to change when we started to share the same house eg. she had a lower portion and I had the upper portion of the house. She spread rumors about me and my mom believe it. She never use to visit me until she needed something from me. She even said some unpleasant things about me to her husband that I overheard. She thought that I was showing off my money to her which I never did, Allah forbid if I ever did. She would praise my husband for everything and exclude me of helping in any way. The situation got worse when my husband blamed me for his problem and said hurtful things, I got severely depressed (gained weight, burned my skin complexion) my sister kept her consistent advice that “it is not easy” to the point that she said that now you cannot come back until her husband supported me. She even said that “My end is on depression pills”. She use to bully me by saying why am I depressed all the time, make fun of my weight and etc.
My mother on the other hand, asked me to come back but I listened to my sisters (big mistake). However, after a month, I packed my bags and traveled to another city where my family reside. I didn’t inform my husband because I knew he won’t let me board the plane (we were traveling together). When I arrived, I told him to which he got upset, and my mother said I did wrong. She and my sisters made me go back with him and my mother stated ‘Do the right way’. To this day, I don’t know what is the right way. My husband doesn’t want me to leave him and ask me to forgive him for violating my right. He refuses help to this day.
My mother likes my husband, one of the possible reason could be that he is her choice. She advised me to do this or that which never worked. I went to her many times crying, depressed with my marital problems and she would advice something and send me back. I got very depressed to the point that I gained weight, my skin complexion was burnt and I was miserable. My mother saw everything as I moved to the same city as hers but she didn’t say a thing. She once labeled my leaving him (which I attempted many times) ’drama’ and made his wrongs normal. She says that I will be rewarded for it but refused to support me. My mother never listens to me when I told her that it will not get better. She thinks that my husband is a good man and what he is doing with me is different and he is nice with her. My mother not once asked me to come back until I raised questions. My mother believes that there is nothing wrong with my husband and he is using me, tortures me, and etc. while she continue to make my stay with him normal. She even said that I am an “idiot” and he molds me according to his needs/wants. He manipulates me. My say doesn’t count in my family. My mother has said mean things to me for instance, I use to send her money out of my pocket money, and I was studying as well. My routine was hectic where I would sleep at 7 am in the morning meeting deadlines I informed my mother about this as well but she said this to my brother that ‘I think she(my mother) is poor and I send her money to fulfill my duty’. I never in my life thought or think like that about my own mother. Allah forgive my mother for thinking like this. This is just one incident. She had said mean things about me behind my back, and says that I have said nothing wrong. My mother manipulates me and I am sure of this. She has done this so many times, she would say something to me and on the other, I would know from someone in the family that it is not the way it is. My mother thinks that my thinking is unique or different or impractical and I know nothing.
I care about my family and do best in my intentions but I am hurt from my family for not supporting me when I needed it. It is not the support alone, it is their hurtful behavior and words and when I confront them, I never get a response. I speak to my mother at times as she is the only one who speaks to me at the moment, I told her not to share anything I tell her but she still tell others about me. My conversation with her is minimized because of our difference and with my sisters – my eldest sister engaged in unlawful acts and she said mean things and cut ties and is living a ‘western’ lifestyle. My another sister stopped speaking to me about a month ago, we didn’t had a fight or disagreement, she said I am ‘busy’ while she continued to keep other ties intact. I tried to reach out to her and she said when I will have time, I will call which she never did.
My family words and behavior is toxic and unhealthy. I know cutting ties with anyone is un-islamic and not speaking to anyone for more than 7 days or so is considered a non-muslim. I don’t want to do something that is against islamic ethics. I am hurt and I am toxicating myself with thoughts that are adding more pain to me than resolving it. I want to separate myself from the pain that is causing me. I feel isolated and alone. I am already keeping my problems and everything to myself and I am keeping a safe distance. Can I keep it that way? Am I doing anything wrong? I want my mental peace, and my family’s behavior is toxicating me. What should I do?
Please advice. JazakAllah
Wa’alaykum as Salama warahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,
At times, when a sick person goes to a doctor, then knowing that there is a possibility for a cure, the doctor will prescribe medications.
At other times, the doctor might understand that there is no hope for this chronic illness. Hence he will explain to the patient how to manage the illness. The patient will have to live with that illness lifelong.
In light of what you explained, it seems that there is no hope of making this issue better. You are sandwiched between your husband and your family.
It is best for you to keep a safe distance. You may limit contact with only Salam. As long as you greet first if you ever meet your family, you will not be considered as breaking ties. If ever they need your assistance in things, which no one else can do, then you should assist. If they ever get sick, you should visit if you are close by, or phone them if you are far. You do not have to do more than these.
And Allaah Ta’aala knows best
Ismail Moosa (Mufti)