Answered by Molana Ishaaq Hussain
Assalamualaykum, a year ago I had been given a marriage proposal from a man of good character who is pious and is also a hafiz and aalim- person A. I spent nearly a year deciding whether I should agree and did lots of istikhara. When I told my mother that I agree she said circumstances changed and she doesn’t want me to get married to him because he has been looking for other girls to get married to. Then she asked me about my cousin and what I think of him. My heart is set on Person A and I do not wish to get married to my cousin. I just have no feelings there for him at all. It has been a few months now and I still feel Person A is the one I should get married to but my mother and aunty are against it because they think he has been looking for other girls. I don’t know why they don’t let me make my own decision as it is my life. Please advise me what I should do.
There are two important issues to look at here. One is the need and importance of getting married and the other is the importance of respecting ones parents.
With regards to marriage, there are many ahadeeths about the virtues of getting married.
The Holy Prophet has said: “When a man marries, he has fulfilled half of his religion, so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half.” (Sunan Baihaqi).
It has also been mentioned through other Ahadeeth that when a suitable proposal arrives, one should not delay in conducting the marriage.
Sayyidna Ali reported that the Holy Prophet has said: Do not delay in three things; 1) the offering of the obligatory prayer. 2) The offering of the funeral prayer when the deceased’s body is present. 3) The marriage of a woman when her couple is found’ (Sunan Tirmidhi p.43 v.1)
Sayyidna Abu Saidul Khudri and Sayyidna Ibn Abbas narrate that the Holy Prophet said: “Whoever has a child, he should give him a good name and teach him how to read and write. And when he matures, he should marry him off. When he matures and the father does not marry him off, then if the boy commits a sin, the sin will be on the father.”(Mishkaatul Masabeeh p.271).
To get ones young sons /daughters married quickly is necessary, especially when it comes to girls. When a suitable proposal has reached them, then to delay the nikaah is a very bad act. And the above mentioned Hadeeth tells us that if the son/ daughter were to commit a sin in this time (i.e. when their marriage is delayed) then the sin will be on the one who has stopped the nikaah taking place.(Fatawah Darul Uloom Deoband p46 v7)
With regards to the second point (Respecting parents), Imam Al-Qurtubi says that, in verse 23 of Surah Isra, Allah Ta’ala has made it necessary (wajib) to respect and treat parents well by combining it with the command to worship Him. This is similar to what has been said in Surah Luqman where the inevitable need to thank Him has been combined with the need to thank one’s parents: (give thanks to Me and to your parents).
This proves that, after the obligation of worshipping Allah Ta’ala, obeying parents is most important and being grateful to parents like being grateful to Allah Ta’ala, is wajib (necessary). This has its confirmation in the Hadith of Sahih Al-Bukhari where a person asked the Holy Prophet (peace be upon him): “Which is the most favoured deed in the sight of Allah?” He said, “Salah at its (mustahabb) preferred time.” The person asked again, “Which is the most favoured deed after that?” To that he said, “Treating parents well.’’ (Qurtubi)
Sayyiduna Abu Umamah (may Allah be pleased with him) narrates that a person asked the Holy Prophet (peace be upon him), ‘What rights do parents have on their children?’ He said, “They both are your Paradise, or Hell.” (Sunan Ibn Majah)
The reason that your mother is using for you to not get married to person A is not a valid reason. There is nothing wrong for the brother to look at other marriage proposals, especially when he was not getting a clear cut answer from yourself.
Having said that, it is vitally important that whatever steps you are about to take are such that do they not displease your parents.
Sayyiduna Abdullah Ibn Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Holy Prophet (peace be upon him) said: The pleasure of Allah is in the pleasure of a father and the displeasure of Allah is in the displeasure of a father. [Tirmidhi and Mustadrak of Hakim]
My advice would be, that if you feel that there is no chance your mother will listen to you, try speaking to your father for he in fact is your wali (guardian) and if he was to give permission then that is sufficient. If this is not possible try speaking to your local Imam or somebody who is well respected in the family. Maybe your mother will be persuaded by what they have to say.
Also, continue praying Salaatul Haajah to Allah Ta’ala, for he is merciful to his servants.
It is narrated by Saaiduna Abdullah Bin Abi Awfah that the Prophet of Allah said; “Whoever, has any need from Allah or anyone of his children, let him make Wudhu and let him make it well, then after two rakaats of Salah, praise Allah and invoice benedictions upon the Prophet of Allah Sallallahu Alahi Wasalam then say;
LA ILAHA ILAL-LA HUL HALIMUL KARIM. SUBHANAL-LAHIL RABBIL ARSHIL AZIM. ALHAMDULILAHI RABBIL ALAMIN. AS ALUKA MUJIBATI RAHMATIK. WA AZAIMA MAGFIRATIK, WAL GANIMATA MIN KULI BIRR, WAS-SALAMATA MIN KULI ITHM LA TADA LI DHAMBAN ILLA GHAFARTAH WA LA HAMMAN ILLA FARAJTAH, WALA HAJATAN HIYA LAKA RIDAN ILLA QADIYTAHA YA ARHAMAR RAHIMIN.
There is no god but Allah, the most for bearing, most bountiful, glory be to Allah, Lord of the magnificent throne. All praises is for Allah, Lord of the Universe. I beg you for all that causes your mercy, determines Your forgiveness, a wealth of every form of piety and security from every sin. O’Allah, do not leave any sin of mine but that you have forgiven it, nor any worry but that you have uplifted it, nor any need which conforms with your pleasure but that you have fulfilled it, O most merciful of all that show mercy! (Sunan Timizi p.108 v.1)
From the above hadith we can deduce that if any Muslim has any need or problems which need to be fulfilled, then one can pray two rakaats Salatul Hajah read the above dua and ask Allah to fulfil the particular need in question.
Only Allah Knows Best
Written by Molana Ishaaq Hussain
Checked and approved by Mufti Mohammed Tosir Miah
Darul Ifta Birmingham