I have been married for 16 years and thinking to get divorce. I am working mother for two children 14 and 3 and earn as much as my husband. In the house I am fully responsible for maintenance and looking after kids.
My husband is very abusive and he also abuse and humaliate my 14 years old daughter. He does it in front of friends and public and specially in front of his family. Most of the time I dont know why I get treatment. I feel love was never developed right after my marriage and I do not find peace in my own house. I do not get any care except he shares 50% of expenses. He has very demanding and rest of the saving he spends in his shopping. Right after marriage, we slept in separate bedrooms, I am supposed to satify his needs when he wants and I feel like my body is being abused. I am not allowed to say no as he would show me a lot of verses from the holly book and tell me it is my duty to satify him. He is lazy and doesnt bother to go out of house on the weekend, i cannot go out of the house for my kids. He is controlling the time of everybody and passing orders to serve him whenever he is around. So me and my daughter are more relaxed when he is not in the house. My daughter has started smoking as she sees father doing verbal abuses to mother and her, her time is controlled by father to do things for him, she is looking after 3 year old sister when mother is busy in cooking and father doing nothing than passing more orders.
As I never recived love from him, I am drawn to other men who are caring and talking to me with respect. I do not want to cheat on my husband, but at the same time it is difficult for me to decide to live with abusive husband without feeling anything where my kids are also impacted or get divorce to move on, my kids will be less impacted in this case. If I get divorce, am I doing right?
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
Sister in Islam,
We are sad to hear of your predicament. May Allah ease your pain and suffering. Ameen
We understand your situation and sympathise with you, however it is crucial that you understand the bigger picture. Leaving your husband may liberate you from his terrible attitude but it may also have a negative effect upon your children. Although your husband is not the best of fathers, however, he is better for your children than no father. They are still his flesh and blood, and deep down he still loves them very much. We have seen from experience that children from broken homes are usually very traumatized. Hence, the divorce will have a bad effect on your children. One of the great responsibilities of a parents is to put your children’s well-being before your own happiness.
Moreover, to solve the problem with your husband we feel that you should sit him down and explain your concerns in a diplomatic manner. Explain to him that you wish to leave him due to his abusive attitude and lack of affection. Also, mention that you want to make the marriage work, attempt to soften his heart with love and affection. Keep trying for a while. If this also does not solve the problem then involve a senior member of the family whom your husband respects. In any case try to avoid braking your marriage. A marriage requires effort and determination to make it successful.
As for your daughter starting to smoke, it is your responsibility as a mother to stop her from this terrible habit. Blaming your husband for her smoking is not responsible.
Also, you mentioned that you are drawn to other men due to the fact that they talk to you with respect. We wish to point out that it is prohibited for a muslim woman to speak to non-mahram men. This interaction causes further deterioration in the marriage for which you will be responsible. Remember two wrongs don’t make a right. Make Sabr and do whatever it takes to keep the marriage.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Saleem Khan
Student Darul Iftaa
Bradford, UK
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
www.daruliftaa.net