I have a question. I have had my nikkah done for over 8 years now. Unfortunately this was through emotinal stress as i never wanted to marry him. My mum was unwell and wanted me to marry her nephew ftom abroad so that he could have a better quality of life here. My parents have only ever believed that we should get married within relatives. I never wanted to marry him but had to for the sake of my family.
I have never accepted this marriage and i do not have any feelings for him. I do not hate him but i am unable to be a wife to him. Even when we have had a physical relationship it is not through my choice. For the past 2 years we have had no relationship at all and hardly ever communicate. Sometimes i just want him to leave and have a better life. Im scared as i dont want to lose my family over it.
Would like some guidance please.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
We sympathize with your situation. This is an all too common misunderstanding that has nothing to do with Islam. Rather, it is one grounded in culture.
You should take comfort in the fact that there is no guarantee your life would have been any happier had you married another man.
Marriage requires a conscientious effort on a daily basis to love, care for and understand one’s spouse. If it is tainted from the beginning with negativity then such a marriage will be beset with problems and has very little chance of success.
Rasulullah (salallahu alayhi wa sallam) has said:
You will not see any thing that increases [more love] for two lovers than marriage. [i]
The way marriage creates love between two strangers is unlike any other relationship but it requires effort on the part of both husband and wife. We suggest you consider trying to save this marriage and make it a success by looking at your marriage from this aspect.
For this you need to make duā that Allah put love for him in your heart and vice-versa. Rasulullah (salallahu alayhi wa sallam) has said that the hearts are between two fingers of Allah, He changes them as He wills. [ii]
Along with regular duā, you will need to approach your husband and your marriage with a fresh start. The resentment you are feeling is not your husband’s fault. If he did not force you to marry him then does he not deserve a chance to have a happy marriage?
The inquiry did not mention if you have any children. It would be best to avoid divorce especially if you have any children. However, if you are convinced that there is no other option and you are unable to be his wife then you can ask him for a divorce. If he refuses, then you can ask him for a khul’, whereby he will agree to divorce you in exchange for monetary compensation.
Whatever course you decide to choose, it would be best to approach a local scholar experienced in dealing with marital issues who can guide you.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Sohail ibn Arif,
Student Darul Iftaa
Chicago, USA
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.
لم تر للمتحابّين مثل النِّكاحِ [i]
مظاهر حق جديد شرح مشكاة المصابيح، كتاب النكاح الفصل الثالث، ص. ٢٥٠ دار الاشاعات
كانَ رسولُ اللَّهِ صلَّى اللَّهُ عليْهِ وسلَّمَ يُكثِرُ أن يقولَ: يا مقلِّبَ القلوبِ ثبِّت قلبي على دينِكَ فقلتُ: يا نبيَّ اللَّهِ [ii]
آمنَّا بِكَ وبما جئتَ بِهِ فَهل تخافُ علَينا ؟ قالَ: نعَم إنَّ القلوبَ بينَ إصبَعَينِ من أصابعِ اللَّهِ يقلِّبُها كيفَ شاءَ
سنن الترمذي، الرقم: ٢١٤٠