I’m married for almost 11years with a beautiful daughter of 7years old & currently pregnant too. My married life has been full of ups and downs. My husband is very loving at times & on the other hand very abusive as well, he’s a very hot headed man who gets angry very easily. And he also physically as well as verbally abuses a lot. Whenever we have a fight, end result would be he saying that I divorce you & then he takes me back (many times this has happened). But 2 years back his mother had visited us & during the argument he started beating me & then gave me divorce. His mother insists that he should divorce me as she can find better spouse than me for him. He didn’t talk to me for 3months & then he send me divorce paper again. But my family requested him to take me back. He took me back on the condition that I should had over him my full salary & he will be in-charge on the spending of the same. I have made sure also that I give my contribution for household expenses. He doesn’t spend on me at all.
Currently, it’s been 4 and a half months now that he’s not talking to me, as we had a fight and he again as usual hit me until I was black & blue (I was pregnant when he hit me). He hits me in front of my daughter. He has stop eating what I cook & he does his washing himself. Am I his wife still as he’s away from me for almost 5months now even though he has not mentioned anything of divorce yet? But he went around telling everyone that I don’t want to be with her any more.
He spends most of his time either chatting on watsapp or FB. I have on many occasions sees messages send to other females describing them hot & sexy & also some inappropriate jokes send out. When I ask him to stop all this, he simply refuses to do so. I am not a flawless person. And I try my best to follow Islam.
I have really tried hard to continue with the marriage for the sake of my daughter & now for the unborn baby too. But I can’t take this any further. He doesn’t talk to me at all. Please note that his four sisters & mother all of them don’t like me as I don’t stay with them & look after their daily chores but I stay with my husband away from our home country. And also I had refused to take anything from my parents (as dowry) during my wedding, for which they also tell me that I didn’t get anything from my parents for them.
I needed help therefore did istikhara to seek Allah’s help and after doing so I always got stronger and stronger that I should get separated. When I told him that since things are not working we should go separate ways. He tells me that I should thing again & give this marriage a second chance. But his behavior is just the same. He doesn’t talk to me & whenever we sit to talk we get into argument and that leads to serious fight. I always asked him let’s go to a Islamic marriage consular but he always refused saying that I need a Psychiatrist as I’m a mad woman.
I really don’t know what I should do. He doesn’t agree to it that we both have to make this marriage successful. He says he’s a good man it’s only me who need to work on the marriage if I can’t than he doesn’t want to stay with me any longer. I always feared divorce because he always threaten me that he will take away my daughter from me. As per Islam, should I get the custody of my 7years old daughter? And what percent should I ask him for the maintaince of my daughter & the unborn baby.
I am in two minds, should I go ahead with the divorce or should I maintain sabr & Allah will give me the azar for the same. I do love him & I don’t want my kids to suffer. My daughter says she wants to stay as a complete family & not separately. But his abusive nature & not fulfilling the duty of spending on my daily needs make me thinks otherwise. Please note that in this five months of my pregnancy he hasn’t spent on my food nor clothing.
If I take this divorce & he happens to change & wants to come back to me (which his family will never allow him to do), can we get married again without the halala.
Please help me ….. L
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
We are deeply disturbed by the account of your turbulent marriage and by your husband’s immoral behaviour. It is indeed sad to note that you had to face such tragic circumstances in your marriage.
May Allah Ta’ala reward you abundantly for your efforts in trying to sustain the marriage and for your patience. Aameen
Sister in Islam, it seems that you and your husband are not well aware of the rules and implications of divorce. You state in your query:
“Whenever we have a fight, end result would be he saying that I divorce you & then he takes me back (many times this has happened)”
“But 2 years back his mother had visited us & during the argument he started beating me & then gave me divorce.”
What exactly do you mean by “many times this has happened”? What were the exact number of times your husband issued a divorce?
Based on the above statements, it seems that your husband has already issued three talaaqs if not more. In principle, issuing three divorces constitutes a talaaq-e–Mughalladhah (a permanently irrevocable divorce). Hence, a talaaq-e–mughalladhah was issued the moment your husband issued a third talaaq. Therefore, if such is the case, the marriage is no longer valid and you must immediately separate from him.
The consequence of such a divorce is that the issuer of divorce may not remarry his wife until she is married to another man, the marriage is consummated, the second husband divorces her or passes away and she completes her ‘iddah from the second marriage.[1]
The ‘iddah of divorce is three menstrual cycles (if one experiences menses) or three months (if one does not experience menses) or till birth if she is conceived.
In the light of Shar’iah, the right of child custody will differ according to gender[2]:
With regards to a female child:
- The mother has the right of custody from birth until puberty.
- The father has the right of custody from puberty until marriage.
With regards to a male child:
- The mother has the right of custody from birth until the age of seven.
- The father has the right of custody from age seven until puberty.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Fahad Abdul Wahab
Student Darul Iftaa
USA
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai
[1] وَإِنْ كَانَ الطَّلَاقُ ثَلَاثًا فِي الْحُرَّةِ وَثِنْتَيْنِ فِي الْأَمَةِ لَمْ تَحِلَّ لَهُ حَتَّى تَنْكِحَ زَوْجًا غَيْرَهُ نِكَاحًا صَحِيحًا وَيَدْخُلَ بِهَا ثُمَّ يُطَلِّقَهَا أَوْ يَمُوتَ عَنْهَا كَذَا فِي الْهِدَايَةِ
[الفتاوى الهندية ج١ ص٤٧٣ رشيدية]
[2] والأم والجدة أحق بالغلام حتى يأكل وحده ويلبس وحده ويستنجي وحده، وبالجارية حتى تحيض
(والأم والجدة أحق بالغلام حتى) يستغني، بأن (يأكل وحده) ويشرب وحده (ويلبس وحده، ويستنجي وحده) ، لأن تمام الاستغناء بالقدرة على الاستنجاء، قال في الهداية: ووجهه أنه إذا استغنى يحتاج إلى التأديب والتخلق بآداب الرجال وأخلاقهم والأب أقدر على التأديب والتثقيف. والخصاف قدر الاستغناء بسبع سنين اعتباراً للغالب. اهـ. (و) هما أحق (بالجارية حتى تحيض) أي تبلغ، لأن بعد الاستغناء تحتاج إلى معرفة آداب النساء، والمرأة على ذلك أقدر، وبعد البلوغ تحتاج إلى التحصين والحفظ، والأب فيه أقوى وأهدى. هداية
[اللباب في شرح الكتاب ج٤ ص٢٥٨ دار البشائر الاسلامية / دار السراج ]