I am a doctor. I am … years age. Got married years ago. It was an arranged marriage. I saw my wife before the wedding on multiple occasions and then said yes to the wedding. My family initiated the proposal. We got married, i was happy with her. We went on honeymoon and everything was fine. I returned to UK. My mother even before the wedding did not like my wife, she tried her best to not make me say yes, i know it sounds wierd because we took the proposal but she did jot think my wife was beautiful enough for me. Now, when i went back to UK( my wife had to stay in Pakistan- i was yet to sponsor her) my mother constantly showed me pictures of other women, talked about her younger sister, her best friend, and how beautiful these women are and how FAIR they are. After the honeymoon phase, the reality started sinking in, my wife is really not as beautiful as compared to me. My mother is right, had i said no, i would have ended up with someone much more pretty. I sponsored thinking when she cones to stay with me, i will be fine. I was into watching porn, googling images of female actors, images of these other proposals that came to me and was comparing each picture with the picture of my wife. My wife is pretty, blue eyes, brunette hair, fair but just not as fair! She had the most pleasing nature, very calm and homely. But she was just not as fair. When she came to the UK, two weeks after her arrival, i wrote on a piece of paper that i do not like her physicially and that i do jot like her:
Nose, the way her eyes were shaped, her uneven skin tone all over her body, etc.
it became very apparent to my mother and everyone in my family and extended family that i am not happy and that i am not attracted to her. My mother and i use to talk about how different things would have been had i listened to her, many of the conversations were overheard by my wife( 17 years of age- seas and lands away from her family)
Whenever my wife and i went out, i just use to stare at other half naked women in the lands of UK and think why did not my mother find someone muslim from all of these women. Why cannot i get or why did i not get these pretty women, i told my wife everything that came to my mind, my thoughts, my regrets of marrying.l her, what my mother says about her etc. everything.
My wife told me that i should stop involving my parents because it is not thier age to solve our problems but our age to solve thier problems. I did not agree with her. My mother passed sarcastic remarks to my wife openly with me around and without me being around. I let her. She took my wife to a salon and asked the salon lady to make her beautiful. She passed sarcastic remarks on how this marriage was not suppose to happen, on her looks etc. This happened for one year.
I had to go to pakistan for some business stuff, i took my wife with me knowing if she stayed with my mother it would be worse for her mentally.
I took her and had her call all the plastic surgeons to correct her nose. I continued looking at other women, on internet and on the land. And continued to regret my decision. She use to cry and just cry all the time. But dutifully called the plastic surgeons and agreed with me of what i thought of her. I crushed her confidence and her as a person forever.
I went into depression and was not talking to ANYONE except my wife. She dutifully stayed in touch with her and my family to let my mother know that i am ok etc..
After 6 months We migrated to Australia. I continued with my selfish actions. One day she broke down and screamed at me, i kinda realized that i am actually hurting her, i asked for her forgiveness, justified my actions and went back to my selfish actions. She use to get mad, irritated explained that islamic ally what i an doing is wrong.. Slowly and gradually with my wife constantly scrutinizing me, watching me, i avoided looking at other women, with fear of god and with her fear. Whenever we went to the UK and whenever my parents came to AUS my mother passes sarcastic remarks on her. I know for a fact that she has not accepted her as a daughter in law, she does not believe that she is pretty, she does jot think i am happy with her at all. I tried to help my wife by soemtimes telling my mother that i like my wife.
My mother did not budge. Anyway, Being scrutinized every second started to bother me, we now stopped watching movies because they started to make her extremely insecure, we cannot go and sit on a beach because it will bother her, i have disabled images on all of my browsers to avoid her getting mad at me. When we go out, she accuses me looking at other women sometimes she was right, sometimes wrong. She became extremely extremely insecure. She started to loose her temper very easily whenever ” these other women” were involved. She was no longer the homely girl i married. I still lived with it, because i was guilty. Third year if marriage i started to avoid everywomen possible, no porn, no googling of other women, avoiding to look at them, i took all the measure to make sure i do not hurt her, make her believe that i am attracted to her but i guess the initial trauma never left her brain and she did not trust my words, my eyes, my behavior, my thoughts.
Then a year later, i was talking to myself and was thinking out loud, that i am not attracted to her and that i am attracted to other women. Yes, i was still not attracted to her. I was trying to make her believe something that i do not believe in, maybe that is why she never believed me. The worst part, she overheard that. I confessed that yes that is true. I broke her down once again, she cried hysterically for four days. Somehow i managed to console her, the thing is , I love her. I really do. I just do not find her attractive enough for me. Her change in nature, her loosing temper, me being scrutinized at my every move, really started taking a toll on me. But, i still tried to avoid things that make her angry. I should say i did my best when she was around. I was relaxed when she was not and did not really behave the same.
One day over an arguement over the phoen( i was at work) she got angry and took a cab alone. When she told me, i left the work came running home and by that time she was back.
I was very pissed off at her. We got over it.
Anyhow, she got pregnant, we had our arguments here abd there.. But things were getting better, but my issues like being scrutinized was not over.
Just when she was overdue ( with the pregnancy) we had huge argument about money, i told her this is MY house because I paid for it, the money we have is MY money. She said why cant i say OUR house, OUR money, i told her becuas that is jot true, the truth is that this my house and my hard earned money. That day, she was suppose to go out with her friends and come back within a few hours. It was 11 pm and she was jot home. I called her and no answer. She was ignoring my calls. She just kept replying to my text saying she is safe. She is safe. But was not telling me where. I called my parents in UK to let then know that my wife has left the house. They called her parents and everybody was worried. She received calls from her family and that is how we came to know that she was at her friends house.
She returned the next day. I was once again very pissed off at her. Good girls do not do things like these.
To her defense she said i have done it in the past. Yes, but she is a women, a muslim women. A respectable women would never do that and over a simple argument is beyond me.
Anyhow, she gave birth to a boy and things were getting better. Really netter. I saw her in labor and fell in love with her. I made extra effort to avoid looking at other women.
One day i was watching a TV and there was women i continued to watch. She saw that, and told me had she been around me, i would have chnaged the channel, i got mad and yelled at her and continued to watch. And told her to leave me if she wants. She took a show piece and hit me, i got a scratch. But we panicked and she called 000 the meds arrived with cops. The medical team left without treating me because it was not that big of a cut. I called my parents and told them that if i die it is my wife’s fault. I sent them the pictures of my scratch and everything. My wife was arrested. I did not press charges, even though i told her i will.
She was released the next day. But now my famil hates her. Her family wants her to leave me. My parents want me to leave her. I too was very adamant that i am going to leave her. She too wanted to leave me.
Then after a week of her arrest, i knew something happened to her in rhe cell, i kept asking her she broke down and told me she was sexually assaulted.
I did kot know but i felt intense guilt, because i could have stopped her from calling 009, i could have made up a story instead of telling 000 that she hit me. But i did not, even when she calling i wnated her to. I wanted her to get arrested. I wanted her pay for her actions becuase she always got away without any consequences.
My family hated her to begin with, they hate her now with a passion, and really want me to divorce her.
But now my wife and i are really committed to move forward, and let go of the past. I do think that hitting me is not something that i can or should let go, because that is just wrong, but i really want to move forward with her. I have come to realize that i really really love her. I am never going to find any women like her. She is the most beautiful girl i can ever get. Her nature is an extremely pleasing one. I really love her. She bought me closer to islam, by making me realize a lot of things that i am doing are wrong, i owe it to her. She was 17 when I married her, i am responsible for her change in nature, for making her short tempered. I am very confident that with my love i am going to get my old wife back. As for me i want to be able to live a normal life, watch TV and not have to deal with her crazy behavior. i have made mistakes in the past she will let go of them. I will let go her mistakes. As for the attraction part, i am attracted to her, but i cannot help but look at other women. I have to look once. I will work on it inshaallah.
Now the biggest question is my parents are not happy, they really want me to get rid of her. They think she is crazy and psychotic. I do jot know how to convince them to give her another chance. I mean i can inform them about one time that I hit my wife too. I can lie that she was bleeding too that would probably bring down the hatred towards her. They did not like her anyway, now passing sarcasting remakes, humiliation is going to be very easy for my mother. I also want to tell them that, she never made my mistakes or shortcomings public. I have been doing that since the wedding. Just because my parents do not know that i hit her, that i have given her enough pain, does lot mean i have not done anything. They really think i am an angel.
I guess my question is, how am i convince my parents, if they simply do not agree, can i take my wife and baby somehwere new and start a new life not involving my parents for a couple of months, then when things cool down try to talk to them once again? Or should i just leave my wife becuase my parents want me to.
I realize i am … years of age, i should be confidently able and allowed to make my decisions, sometimes involving parents is my mistake.. But i really wanted her pay for her mistakes. Anyway, please let me know your thoughts.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
At the outset we would like to mention that it is very unfortunate to take note of the turbulence that had occurred in the marriage.
Respected brother, it is vital to understand that sustaining a marriage of adults come with maintaining adulthood, but if a childish attitude is taken then it can corrode and cause a collapse in the marriage.
It was obviously inappropriate of you and your mother to adopt such an attitude towards your wife considering that your family was initially pleased with the marriage. It was incorrect of your mother to adopt such methods which made you doubt your wife’s features and appearance. What you should have done was to ignore such comments from you mother, but instead you chose to pursue those thoughts and compare your wife with other women by casting evil glances through various means and cause her emotional pain with a number offensive comments.
It is important to note that beauty is a feature that is temporary and not permanent. Beauty is relative, one’s beauty supersedes the other. If you get married to the most beautiful woman today, tomorrow you will find a woman whose beauty is more…..where will it end? No amount of beauty will ever satisfy you. This is a sickness.
Love a person because of the person and not because of the beauty, this is human value. What if something happened to you and you need your wife to look after you, if a beautiful woman without values refuses to look after you, would you still worship her beauty?
As Muslims, our focus is our aakhirah. Our deen advocates that we choose to be content with whatever we are granted. Mention this to your mother as well. You are spoiling your aakhirah by listening to your mother.
There is no need for us to point out that her change of temperament and behaviour was due to your preposterous attitude towards her as you have admitted that in the query.
It is commendable to note that you wish to overlook her mistakes and establish a better relationship with your wife. It is essential that you discontinue the habit of casting unlawful glances. Abstain from watching television as it is impermissible for obvious reasons.
Convince your parents to accept her and change their attitude towards her. Speak to them in a kind and diplomatic manner. Request your mother to accept her as a daughter-in-law and to treat her with affection and care as a mother-in-law ought to. Tell her it pains you to see her make sarcastic and impolite comments about your wife.
Lastly, make tawbah and istighfaar for all that has occurred during the course of the marriage. Ask your wife to forgive and overlook your mistakes with convincing words. Be thankful to her for not publicizing your mistakes as you have mentioned in the query.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Fahad Abdul Wahab
Student Darul Iftaa
USA
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai