Assalamualaikum Mufti sahib I’m in a troublesome situation, I hope you could give me some advice and help me inshallah. I am 26years old and my parents want me to get married now. I really wanted to get married when I was younger, preferably 22,23. My mother had spoken to her brother in Pakistan who has a daughter approximately 9 or 10 years younger than me that I’ll be marrying her, now when I expressed my desire to marry at 22,23 my words were landing on deaf ears therefore once I got to the age of 24 I gave up all hope. Now that the girl is at an age to marry they are now pushing me to go Pakistan and get married. But I’ve been disheartened by this and throughout this period and prior to it I’ve fallen a victim to the disgraceful act of masturbation. I feel if they would have listened to me at the time maybe things would have been alot better. I don’t have anything against the girl, I just want to marry someone who speaks English so I could maybe explain myself to her atleast if it comes down to it or in any other situation we could have a good conversation about things because at the moment I can’t even have a normal conversation with someone in my mother Tongue. I spent 10years away from my family and was just speaking english therefore I feel I won’t be comfortable and won’t be able to express myself as I would like to to someone who doesn’t speak English. My mother is persisting on marrying her and countless times we’ve had this conversation where we just be going round in circles and she will not accept anyone else but her niece from Pakistan. My father just wasn’t bothered about it until recently he speaks to me at times and says I should get married to my mothers niece just for “family ties”. I mean I’ve never seen my maternal uncle in my life and I’ve spoken to him twice over the phone or maybe three times in 26years!! Deep down in my heart mufti sahib I don’t mind marrying her but it’s the language barrier I fear the most because it’s obvious the evil act I’ve been committing for so many years on end will take it’s toll and I’d have to have a serious conversation with her which I can’t in my mother Tongue. Alhamdulilah Allah has blessed me with a great humour and I treat people the way I’d want to be treated so Alhamdulilah thumma alhamdulilah people just love me for who i am, now if I do marry her my life at home would be so unlike me because I won’t be able to behave and talk the way I do normally with people who know English. And I don’t know how I’d be able to treat her the way islam says treat your spouse. I really need help mufti sahib I don’t know what to do, my mother always gets upset everytime we have a conversation like this,she just won’t take no for an answer. She won’t accept any other girl except her niece. My paternal aunt from England approached my mother a few years ago because she(my paternal aunt) wanted to give her daughters hand to me in marriage but my mother just gave her a cold no without even thinking about it. I felt deceived and my heart became disheartened so I dropped the subject after this incident. My mother is yet to tell me this had happened. Also if you could direct me in the right direction to a Muslim psychologist if you know anyone in the Manchester area in the uk please to overcome the evil act I’ve been indulged in for many years. Jazakallah khair for all your time.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
We appreciate you trying to seek guidance in the light of the Shariat. My respected brother there seems to be a few issues that concern you.
The evil of masturbation is something to be concerned about. You seem to understand that masturbation is something you will overcome. You should be confident that after making sincere tawbah from this sin it will be as if you had never committed this sin. You should not let the burden of this sin hold you back in life, rather live your life as normal having hope that Allah Tala has forgiven you. If you feel that you may have some physical set back because of this harmful practice then we advise you seek medical counsel in order to address those issues.
Secondly your issue of marriage, what should you do in the particular circumstances that you are in where on one side your mother’s wishes are that you marry your cousin whilst at the same time you have apprehensions about going into this marriage due to factors like language barrier?
Marriage is a major step in ones’ life. One should firstly make Dua to Allah Ta’ala for guidance in the right direction and to make the right decision. Your parents may have erred at certain instances when it came to marriage of your choice, but your parents are human beings, they are not angels. They will make mistakes just like how all human beings make mistakes. Shariat demands that no matter what wrong a parent does. One should have the highest level of respect and honor for his or her parents. You should let go of whatever has happened in the past. Your parents want the best for you. You should sincerely consider their wishes. There would be a lot of blessings in trying to marry an individual of your parents’ choice. But if you sincerely feel that there would be compatibility issues between you and your cousin then you should explain this to your parents with respect and honor. If after this they still refuse to accept this decision then you should try to bring this matter to the attention of an ‘aalim of your area who would be better able to explain why this decision is not in your best interest. You should also consider making Istikhara and tell your parents that Istikhara is Divine Guidance. Whatever Allah puts in your heart in Istikhara, there is good in that.
We make Dua to Allah that He guides you to make to a decision which would lead to His pleasure.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.