Assalam alaikum,
I have a query regarding nikaah.
Basically I am engaged to a girl. However myself, and the girl both wanted to get a nikaah done first…and then do the ruksati afterwards. That way – if we do talk on the phone, email, or meet up – we would be doing it in a halaal way.
However BOTH of our parents rejected this idea.
I went over to the girls house for “the rishtaa” in march 2009. And the engagement was in August 2009. The wedding is in July 2010 – so a whole year a away. In that time – it is very hard to resist talking on the phone, emailing, or meeting up occasionally. We have never done anything physical EVER – and this will obviously be done after marriage…but we both have a very guilty conscience as we still talk regulary on the fone, and communicate via txt, email and meet up for lunch once every few weeks/ months.
My local imam of the masjid, and the amir saab of the local jamat brothers both advised me to do a nikaah prior to the actual wedding date – but as stated earlier – BOTH our parents are in disagreement.
Thereafter, our local imam then said we should do a secret nikah – so at least we would then be halaal. However the Girl is not happy with this idea at all.
Then the local imam said that the way that we had conducted our “rishtaa” was in such a way that we had ‘effectively conducted the farz of nikah’..and that even though the sunnahs, the formalities and the normal ettiquets of nikaah were not conducted..he said that we had fulfilled the basic “farz” of nikaah..and that in effect we were in the state of nikah. He stated that we should abviosuly still conduct the normal nikah in July 2010 and that way it will formalise things…but that I shouldnt feel guilty for communicatig via txt, phone, email as we are “in effect married in the eyes of islam”. He is a very good imam, of hanafi school of thought. But he asked me to consult in you guys for a second – and in his words – a more educated opinion.
(The Rishta was conducted like as follows…)
our side (the boys side) included my mum, dad, all my brothers, sisters, my eldest uncle.
Her side included her mum, dad, all her brothers and sister, her uncle and her grandparents.
We met each other for the first time for about 45mins. After the families got to know each other for this short duration – they asked questions about me and the girl (jobs, education etc).
Both members of the family all sat around the room, in one room and started talking.
They made me sit on a chair and the center of the room, and made the girl sit next to me – but on the floor.
after this, my father basically said to everyone in the room, that he is happy with this rishta and “accepts”. Thereafter, the girls dad also said he “accepts”.
Thereafter, the girls mother said she “accepts”. Thereafter my mum said she “accepts”.
Thereafter, the my mother also said she “accepts”.
Thereafter, the girls uncle also said he “accepts”.
Thereafter, my uncle also said he “accepts”.
Then they turned towards me. I also said I accept.
They asked the girl…she stayed quiet. They asked her again…she stayed quiet..they asked her a third time…she still stayed quiet. Then she whispered to her bhabi (who was sitting next to her…and the bhabi then announced that the girl has also accepted. The girl maintained her silence as she was shy.
So then, my dad and her dad said “mubarak” to each other, and started hugging each other. My mum and her mum started hugging each other. And everyone was happy.
Then we all ate food, and we went home and discussed dates of the wedding and so forth.
This was what happened on the “day of the rishta”.
Now our local imam says that there is a hadith that states that (to the nearest meaning)
Prophet s.a.w. said that there are 3 things that if said in joke or seriousness are still taken to be true in islam.
And one of this being nikkaah.
And thus, on this note – the imam said that the fact that the girls parents and uncles all said “I accept” and they also asked the girl, and she also accepted. And the fact that there were more than two witnesses present…it makes it a proper nikah. Even though the formalities and the sunnahs are not followed..essentially the nikkah rights have been fulfilled and we are in the state of nikah. Is this true?
If it is true, then at least me and the girl can still communicate via phone, email, txt and not gain ghunnah for this – but in fact we can gain thawaab for making each other smile.
But if it is not true, then we know that we shouldn’t talk at all, until the wedding in August 2010, but this will be very hard, but we have to do it for the sake of Allah swt.
Please reply with your thoughts, if we are or are NOT in the state of nikah. Jazakhallah.
In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful
Assalaamu `alaykum waRahmatullahi Wabarakatuh
At the outset, we would like to apologise for the much belated reply.
When your families met this was a gathering wherein both parties agreed to perform a nikah in the future. This was a promise to marry and not an actual marriage. Therefore, there is no nikah between the spouse and they should stop all contact immediately.
سنن الترمذى – (171) علمية
عن علي بن أبي طالب أن النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم قال له يا علي ثلاث لا تؤخرها الصلاة إذا آنت والجنازة إذا حضرت والأيم إذا وجدت لها كفئا قال أبو عيسى هذا حديث غريب حسن
Nabi صلى الله عليه وسلم mentioned to Sayyiduna Ali رضي الله تعالى عنه:
O Ali three things do not delay: salah when its time sets inn, burial of a deceased when it is ready and the marriage of an unmarried lady when a suitable match is found. (Tirmidhi 171)
We advise that you explain to your parents your need for to get married. Ask your local Imam or some senior members of your family to explain them too. Explain to them all the challenges youth face in this day and age.
If your parents do not agree, ask them if you could perform a nikah in the presence of just a few people and later on have your marriage formalities.
Continuously ask Allah Ta’ala to safeguard you from all evil and to soften your parent’s hearts in accepting.
فتاوى محموديه 11/154 فاروقيه
امداد الاحكام 2/201مكتبه دار العلوم
And Allah knows best
Wassalaamu `alaykum
Ml. Ishaq E. Moosa,
Student Darul Iftaa
Checked and Approved by:
Mufti Ebrahim Desai
Darul Iftaa, Madrassah In’aamiyyah