I am a 45 years old infertile woman.The chances of having a baby is almost zero, according to the opinion of expert doctors. According to doctors I can go for IVF by donors egg. There are two options. A) Donor’s egg my husband’s sperm. B) Donor’s embryo. Can we go for the second option, I think it is adopting or having some body’s else child from the very beginning. Please guide me accordingly if I am wrong. My husband Alhamdolilah is healthy and younger then me. I do not feel good. I do not want to give him this sacrifice for me; as he has right to have his own child. It will a ZULUM, what I do not want to do so. I am telling him to give me a divorce and to do a new marriage so he could have a child. I know it is the wording of Quran that a man cannot do equlibrium. That will be more than the pain of divorce. I red in Quran that when there is a divorce then Allah make them ?Bayniaz? with each other. I am at least hoping this mercy from Allah. On the other hand if my husband is going to have a complete family then I don’t want to be a thorn in front of all them. I am an educated person and doing job and take care of myself, rest of my life. But my husband does not want to listen for divorce or about the second marriage. I need your advise according to Quran, Sunnet and Shareyat. What should I do?
Jazakallah for writing to the institute.
You would like to know about IVF by donor’s egg, Second marriage and
divorce. The two options your doctor’s have offered are not acceptable in
Islam. Both methods involve the use of a non-mahram woman’s ova being
fertilised with your husband’s sperm. A donor’s embryo is not acceptable as
you will not be the biological mother,(since your ova will not be fertilised
with your husband’s sperm).
It is acceptable to adopt a baby whom you may be able to breast feed (your
doctors will tell you how your breastmilk can be produced with medication).
This will then mean that either a son/daughter will be mahram for both you /
your husband and the child will become your foster child. From what you
write, I get the impression that your husband does not mind that you cannot
have a child. If he has accepted the situation and if he does not want to
remarry, why don’t you accept the situation? There are lots of couples who
do not have children either because the man/ woman do not meet with the
required sperm/ovum criteria for producing a child. Try to accept this as a
test from Allah Ta’ala. This is not zulm from your side on your husband.
You are not in control of your body or your life. Allah Ta’ala had written
this as taqdeer for both of you as a couple. Your husband is to be admired
for his refusal to discard you just because you cannot have a child. It
reveals a good character and sincerity on his behalf. You are a very
fortunate woman and insha’allah both of you will reap the rewards in Jannah
for accepting Allah Ta’ala’s will in this world.
Yes, you may feel at times that you are depriving your husband of a house
full of children etc. Both of you can still fill your lives with the
laughter and joy of children around you by volunteering to work with
children. There are so many Muslim children who have been brought over to
the US from Bosnia, Afghanistan and many other ‘Muslim’ countries. There
also children who are abandoned by their mothers or parents. Try to work
with these children and give them the love and care they are being deprived
of. You need to just contact agencies in your area to find out what services
you can render for these children. Insha’allah you will find fulfillment in
bringing joy to these children.
Allah Ta’ala’s tests come in different forms to all of us. He is totally
aware of your desire to have children. The sabr you make and the devotion
you and your husband show to each other are recognised by HIM.
Please write if you need more clarification. May Allah Ta’ala grant you both
greater love, understanding and if HE wills, a child in your home to love
and comfort and cherish. May HE also make it easy for you to accept your
and Allah Ta’ala Knows Best
CHECKED AND APPROVED: Mufti Ebrahim Desai