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I want to make nikah but the boy is stalling? his mother has told him that he can get married to me if he wants to but she will disown him

Answered as per Hanafi Fiqh by Askimam.org

I am a 27 year old female and have had very unsuccesful relationships in the past. I have met a good person (he does not drink or smoke) who is my age since October 2000 and we have been seeing each other since. I want to make nikah as soon as possible but he keeps on making excuses that he does not have money to have a wedding or support me. I am career orientated and earn double his salary. I believe that we should both contribute to the household finances. I don’t want a lavish and big wedding. On top of that, his mother has told him that he can get married to me if he wants to but she will disown him. Surely, that is not a fair choice for him as I would like our children to know both sides of the family? What do I do as I am not a very attractive person and I am getting old? I am afraid that I may end up alone and with nobody…

Answer

Jazakallah for the mail you submitted to the institute. You are concerned about marriage. You write that you have had previous ‘unsuccessful relationships and that the man you know presently is not complying with your desire to get married. You also mention that his mother is opposed to the union.

Sister, do you not see that this relationship is not meant for you? Why do you place emphasis on your financial position and hope that this could be the criteria for marriage in this case or any other case for that matter? Muslim men and women have been clearly instructed by Allah Ta’ala to seek pious partners. A partner chosen for looks, wealth, nobility and any other material or worldly criteria may just turn out to be as fickle and temporary as the reason for which he/she was chosen. The fact that his mother opposes this union could be Allah Ta’ala’s test and His blessing upon you. You need to assess this situation with wisdom and intelligence. Seek Allah Ta’ala’s assistance and make istigaarah, thereby seeking Allah Ta’ala’s guidance.

Having relationships with men prior to marriage is against the commands of Allah Ta’ala and are completely devoid of HIS blessings. No good can come from relationships as Allah Ta’ala turns away from those who are engaged in this activity. You clearly state that the man is virtually leading you on by making excuses. Do you really believe that you deserve such treatment? Don’t you think you deserve better? With Allah Ta’ala’s help you can have better. You say you are not attractive. To a pious man this will not matter at all. He will look to your heart, not your looks. You are a reciter of the kalimah and you have declared that you believe that ‘all good and bad comes from Allah Ta’ala’. Put your complete faith in your Creator, turn your life around through the assistance of the ONE who created you and who has written for you all which you will have/ not have in this world. Instead of placing your future into the hands of a fickle man, place all your trust, faith and hope in Allah Ta’ala. He who placed you in this world, and who is your Sustainer, Cherisher, Protector, Provider and your LORD will suffice for you.

Ask Him to provide a partner for you. If it is in your destiny, you will have a worthy partner. If not, Allah Ta’ala will grant you better in Jannah. What makes you think that only attractive women get married? There are lots of them who aren’t married. Your main consideration should be to get married for the pleasure of Allah Ta’ala and not because you need to fulfill a societal demand. Allow me to suggest that you set aside say, every Saturday to learn more about your responsibilities, rights and duties as a Muslim woman. Try to learn more about your salaah, fiqh, History of Islam; refine and increase your knowledge of Hadith and Quran. Depending on where you are in South Africa, you will find madrassas for adults. By equipping and arming yourself with the knowledge of what Allah Ta’ala requires of you, your practice of Islam will be further refined and improved. You will earn the pleasure of your Creator, and you will enjoy feelings of fulfillment and completeness. Your point of departure will be Allah Ta’ala and not a perishable item, namely, a man.

You say that you are a career woman. That’s OK as long as you are working in an environment where you are not in contact with non-mahram men. Further, although you say that you believe that as a wife you should also contribute to the running of the house, do you know that it is totally a husband’s responsibility to provide for his wife’s upkeep? No matter how much wealth a Muslimwoman owns, she does not have to use it for the running of the household expenses if she does not wish to. Could it be that in your desperation to get married you are prepared to set yourself up for exploitation by making such offers to prospective husbands?

Sister, you obviously have lots of skills and knowledge. Allow me to suggest that you use them to lift yourself out of a tenuous situation and empower yourself. By allowing your life to revolve around the ‘fear of failure’ in finding a partner, you may just be letting ‘quality of life’ to escape you. Put your total faith and trust in Allah Ta’ala. If Allah Ta’ala has destined a partner for you, most certainly he will find you. In the meantime, use your skills and knowledge to move forward and perhaps you can help empower other sisters too with these qualities, insha’allah.

I include a little article below which I hope you will find useful. May Allah Ta’ala guide you in the right direction and keep you on the straight path, ameen.

and Allah Ta’ala Knows Best

1SOCIAL DEPT.

CHECKED AND APPROVED: Mufti Ebrahim Desai

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This answer was collected from Askimam.org, which is operated under the supervision of Mufti Ebrahim Desai from South Africa.

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