Al salamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. I am a converted muslim, i converted when i was 9/10 years old. Currently i am 16. I have committed a certain sin; masturbation since i was very little and i continued to do it after i converted. I had no idea it was haram. Later on i came to know it was haram and since then i tried to stop it. I failed horribly. I ruined my Ramadan because of these sins. I also am addicted to pornography. It all happened before i had some awareness about it being haram. I became addicted to it and i have no idea how to stop. The desires are too powerful. I miss prayers. And i start to dislike acts of worship. I don’t want to pray, i don’t want to do anything of worship because of these sins. These sins ruine me. When i am outside or at school these desires kick in. I prayed and made Dua asking Allah to rid me of these sins. But i always commit these sins again. I don’t know what to do. I pray i recite Quran i do Istighfar but i always always fail. The prophets of Allah alayhimus salam and the Sahabah radhiallahu anhum are my examples i really look up to them. I want to be righteous and pious like them. But i always fail doing so. I can’t stop these sins. For years i tried to stop but it doesn’t work. Why? Am i destined to fail? If so can’t i ask Allah to end my life after i repent? Because i do not want to continue living like this. I don’t care if i don’t have enough good deeds for Al Firdaws i just want to die if i can’t stop these sins. Suicide is not allowed, than what should i do? I don’t know any other way to free myself from these sins. I don’t have a girlfriend, i do not engage with females in my life. So it’s not that i am putting myself in a vulnerable position. My desires are too powerful and i do not know how to handle them. I desire to watch disgusting videos, of women engaging in sexual acts with each other. I have had these fantasies since i was a little kid and with porn making it a reality it is a very bad combination. I can’t even view women normally anymore, not even muslimah’s because of that. I can’t block porn because than some Islamic articles will be blocked as well, and Youtube contains pornographic videos as well so it wouldn’t really change anything. I also can’t get rid of my phone. I need it for Quran and Islamic videos. I don’t think this is fair. I don’t want to go to Hell i don’t want to be punished but why than does this always happen? It is driving me crazy. Why did Allah allow me to masturbate on an early age? This is the consequence of my past actions. But what could i do about it i was a non muslim little kid at that time. These sins are messing me up and i can’t take it anymore. I want it to end. Please tell me how. And also please explain to me why i committed these sins on a very early age. I do want to become pious. I want Jannah. I want Allah to be merciful. But i always do it wrong. I can’t take it anymore. I am sick of it.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
We take note of your sincerity and desperation. Allah blessed you with Islam. He chose you to adopt means of eternal salutation. There is no need for you to despair. Allah Ta’ala will never obligate you with a responsibility beyond your ability. Carnal desires are natural. Everyone goes through it. It is like a live wire within yourself. When that live wire is touched, one can be shocked. Your carnal desires should not be exposed to avenues that will jolt and aggravate your desires. If you do so, it is similar to touching a live electric wire. You cannot say that I have to touch a live electric wire. You know the consequences. It will be fatal. Likewise, the internet is like a live wire and to expose oneself freely to internet is like touching an electric live wire. It will kill your spirituality. You should not present justifications of reading Quran and watching Islamic videos as an excuse. We advise you to abstain from all venues that will aggravate your desires. Follow the following steps for responsible use of the internet. It is advisable to go out for a few days in the path of Allah. You will be in a pure and clean environment and cleanse yourself. You should also fast to contain your desires. This is the advice given by Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam,
يا معشر الشباب من استطاع منكم الباءة فليتزوج ومن لم يستطع فعليه بالصوم فإنه له وجاء (متفق عليه)
“O youth, whoever from amongst you can get married then he should. If he is not able to then he should fast for verily fast is a shield for him.” (Bukhari and Muslim)
Also identifying the ulama there and the pious people and stay in their company. You may seek Mufti Hafizur Rahman and seek his advice and supervision from his website. Lastly, listen to the discourse on how to control ones Nafs and eyes of our honorable Ustaath Hadarat Mufti Ebrahim Desai (Hafidhahullah), Qasida Burdah. You may also look at 19883 for more methods on how to stay away from the evil act you refer to.
And Allah Taala Knows Best
Student Darul Iftaa
Brooklyn, NY, USA
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.