Assalam o alaikum
I want some advice regarding my situation.
I am married for 5 years. And I have a 4 year old son. I got married at the age of 21,at that time I got so many proposals of so many well settled men. But my preference was deen dari, so we didn’t accepted those as I was looking for a beard man. At that time I was young and I use to thought that whoever has beard is a religious man and is close to ALLAH. In a mean while there came the proposal of my now husband, he is a beard man. My parents visited him, he was financially less stable than us. But my parents and me accepted the proposals because we get the picture of him as a religious man, which was my preference. We got married. After marriage I started to realize that he watch pornography, I asked him multiple times but he denied, I checked his laptop and found multiple porn sites visits in his history, when I asked him he said that him friend borrowed his laptop for a week and he did this. I believed him. But my sixth sense was saying that something is wrong. Several time in our marriage this truth came in front of me but he denied. After 5 years of marriage, one day I again found that stuff in my laptop chat history, I again confronted him, he denied again, but after returning form office he accepted that he is porn addict and he is also a chain smoker, which I never knew and I never ever thought that he can be a chain smoker. He accepted and ask for forgiveness and promised me that he will not do that again. I forgave him. Now he is in Australia and looking for the job and I am here In Pakistan. It has been 4 months. Now I again got some proofs of him watching pornography. I don’t know what to do, I choose him because of religion because I thought that he is religious. It was my first most priority. Some time I thinks that why it happened to me, I choose religion over money, stability but I didn’t get the religious man.
On the other side, his family is a typical one, his father used to yell on me on, he used to say bad comments about my makeup which I used to do in early days of my marriage, I do sharai parhad, my husband lives in a joint family, I used to cover my face from my brother in laws(my husbands brother), my saas said bad words to me that my sons are not dying to see your face, stop covering your face in front of my sons , I felt so bad, but I accepted that, during my pregnancy my husband used to hit me because of his parents, his parents abused my parents in front of me. During my pregnancy in summer weather when I asked my husband to turn on the air condition because I was not feeling well, he pushed me because his mother didn’t allowed us to turn on the AC. I bear all the things just because of my husband . I compromised on every thing in his tough time I sold all my gold jewellery to support him. But I can’t compromise on religion, I can’t live with a man who is liar, immodest. I badly need your advice. Please reply me as early as possible. I will be very grateful. JAZAK ALLAH KHAIR
Respected Sister in Islam,
We take note of the contents of your email and your concerns regarding your husbands conduct. Our lives are governed by Taqdeer. You applied your mind at the time of marriage and made a decision based on what you felt was correct at that time. Whatever took place after that is beyond your control. All you can do is seek refuge in Taqdeer which is the greatest form of Ibadah. At times one faces adversities within which goodness is hidden.
Refer to the following verse:
عَسَىٰٓ أَن تَكۡرَهُواْ شَيۡـًٔ۬ا وَهُوَ خَيۡرٌ۬ لَّڪُمۡۖ
Translation:
It may happen that you hate a thing which is good for you
[Surah Baqara Verse/216]
Furthermore, regard the present condition as a test of your Imaan and perseverance. You should also adopt all possible means to reform your husband and assist him to do so. You should question him about his habit and the information you have. He is in foreign land which is also challenging to his nafs. Win his confidence and concientise him of the consciousness of Allah. You should also discuss with him on the probability of staying together as soon as possible. Make sabar and dua to Allah to guide your husband and change him.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Ridwaan Ibn Khalid Esmail [Kasak]
Student Darul Iftaa
Katete, Zambia
Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.