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I am extremely depressed and unhappy and i dont know how i will i keep my husband happy when I’m not happy

Answered according to Hanafi Fiqh by Askimam.org

i am 24 years old and i got enagaged last year to a boy our family knew and i was very happy but over a petty issue the enagement broke. my family and i were very upset and i was very emotionally hurt. since then my family always felt pressure to get me married because i am an alimah and there were no potential suitors for me.

we got a rishta in jan from family. the boy was religous and has a good job abroad but his family wasnt as wealthy as ours so my mother felt i would have adjustment ssues but my father didnt care about any of those issues. whenever i took istikhara i had a heavy heart and i seeked advice from a shaykh who said the dunya should not be a reason for no. i still told my parents that i would want them to meet the boy first but they only spoke on skype. i was very upset but i believed in the barakah of nikkah. i wanted tio meet the boy once beffore my marriage but nobody listened to me. i got married last month. i met my husband on the day of my nikkah and after ruksati my husband and i only got to spend 9 days together. i am not attracted to my husband physically or emotionally. he is a nice guy but we have no compatability and when we were together we spend hours not talking to each other because we have nothing in common. he is goe back abroad and now i can only meet im once i get my visa which can take years.

i feel exteremly anry at my father for overlooking these things. i am not happy. i do istikhara and i sgtart crying. i dont want to move abroad and i get very bad thoughts. i realy wanted to get sukoon and make Allah swt raazi but now im doubting things so much that my imaan is getting shaky.whenever i spoke to any religous people they told me its just shaytani thoughts because i am doing this for deen. is it really shaytani thoughts?

is it true that we marry those who we are destined to or can we also make a mistake?

what should i do about these bad feelings. i am extreemly depressed and unhappy and i dont know how i will i keep my husband happy when im not happy. please advice if reciting anything will ease my situation

Answer

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

Sister,

We take note of your anger and emotions. We make dua Allah Ta’āla grant you peace and happiness and remove the anger in you. Ameen.

You refer to your father’s attitude and consulting a Shaykh. Shariah has advised to see ones potential spouse before deciding to marry.1 It is unfortunate that you were not given that important privilege. We thus understand your anger and emotions.

Sister, we also draw your attention to the love and care of your parents have for you. They have experiences in life and are thus mature. They also know you and your temperament. Their decision to proceed with the nikah was based on their honest and sincere intentions and love for you. Furthermore, you had the chance to consult with a shaykh.2 You also make a very interesting point believing in the barakah of nikah.

It appears you have entered in the nikah half-heartedly and with a reserved mind. Hence the lack of communication in the nine days after the nikah.

Sister, our advice is that you change your mind-set. You state the boy is good. Give yourselves  a chance to make the marriage work. It is common for married couples to be negative and have reservations in the beginning of a marriage. If you really believe in the barakah of nikah, place your trust in that and adopt a positive attitude towards your husband. You would then reciprocate his love and care which will touch your heart and feelings.

Remember, the attitude and conduct of a spouse is more important than the outward appearance. There are many instances where spouses have fancied each other and were physically and emotionally attracted to each other but their marriages were a failure due to bad conduct and attitude. In your case, you state your husband is a nice person, he is pious as well. You have everything positive in him to invest your life for a successful marriage. Have courage and move on with your marriage.

 

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

Huzaifah Deedat

Student Darul Iftaa
Lusaka, Zambia

Checked and Approved by,
Mufti Ebrahim Desai.

_____________________

سنن ابن ماجه (1/ 599) 1

 حَدَّثَنَا الْحَسَنُ بْنُ عَلِيٍّ الْخَلَّالُ، وَزُهَيْرُ بْنُ مُحَمَّدٍ، وَمُحَمَّدُ بْنُ عَبْدِ الْمَلِكِ، قَالُوا: حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدُ الرَّزَّاقِ، عَنْ مَعْمَرٍ، عَنْ ثابِتٍ، عَنْ أَنَسِ بْنِ مَالِكٍ، أَنَّ الْمُغِيرَةَ بْنَ شُعْبَةَ أَرَادَ أَنْ يَتَزَوَّجَ امْرَأَةً، فَقَالَ لَهُ النَّبِيُّ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ: «اذْهَبْ فَانْظُرْ إِلَيْهَا، فَإِنَّهُ أَحْرَى أَنْ يُؤْدَمَ بَيْنَكُمَا»

سنن أبي داود ت الأرنؤوط (3/ 424)

عن داود بنِ حُصينٍ، عن واقدِ بنِ عبدِ الرحمن – يعني ابنَ سعد بن معاذٍ حدَّثنا مُسَددٌ، حدَّثنا عبدُ الواحدِ بنُ زيادٍ، حدَّثنا محمدُ بنُ إسحاقَ،

عن جابر بنِ عبد الله، قال: قالَ رسولُ الله – صلَّى الله عليه وسلم -: “إذا خَطَبَ أحَدُكُم المرأةَ، فإن استطاعَ أن يَنْظُرَ إلى ما يَدْعُوهُ إلى نِكَاحها فَلْيفعَل”. فخطبتُ جاريةً فكنت أتخبَّأ لها، حتى رأيتُ منها ما دعاني إلى نكاحها فتزوَّجْتُه

وَشَاوِرْهُمْ فِي الْأَمْرِ فَإِذَا عَزَمْتَ فَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللَّهِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ يُحِبُّ الْمُتَوَكِّلِينَ 2

 ((آل عمران: 159

سنن ابن ماجه (1/ 592)

حَدَّثَنَا أَحْمَدُ بْنُ الْأَزْهَرِ قَالَ: حَدَّثَنَا آدَمُ قَالَ: حَدَّثَنَا عِيسَى بْنُ مَيْمُونٍ، عَنِ الْقَاسِمِ، عَنْ عَائِشَةَ، قَالَتْ: قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ: «النِّكَاحُ مِنْ سُنَّتِي، فَمَنْ لَمْ يَعْمَلْ بِسُنَّتِي فَلَيْسَ مِنِّي، وَتَزَوَّجُوا، فَإِنِّي مُكَاثِرٌ بِكُمُ الْأُمَمَ، وَمَنْ كَانَ ذَا طَوْلٍ فَلْيَنْكِحْ، وَمَنْ لَمْ يَجِدْ فَعَلَيْهِ بِالصِّيَامِ، فَإِنَّ الصَّوْمَ لَهُ وِجَاءٌ»

 

This answer was collected from Askimam.org, which is operated under the supervision of Mufti Ebrahim Desai from South Africa.

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