Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I’m a 25-year-old female. For years, I have been told to marry, but, I do not feel like it is right for me to do so. I have no kind of sexual lust at all. I even cannot imagine wanting to have intercourse after marriage. This has made my depression worse, and after explaining my symptoms, my psychiatrist suggested that I may be asexual.
For years I have tried to force myself to like men. If I never had a “crush”, I am considered a lesbian by my community. Of course, I have no inclination toward women either. I am very confused.
Do I have to marry knowing that I cannot fulfill my husband’s needs and that I am self-sufficient in regard to money?
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration, and I pray that you recover from your depression and find support from those around you instead of being judged.
Lust
Although uncommon, it is a great blessing to be safe from lust while you are single. It is not obligatory to marry in your case, but I fear that you may miss out on the joy of motherhood and companionship in old age. Marriage is not just about intercourse. That being said, you claim that you are unable to fulfill your husband’s rights, but it may be easier than you think, and you shouldn’t base your decision on this presumption.
Please recall that marriage completes half of your religion, as one is tested with patience, hardship, devotion, commitment, loyalty and much more. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “When a man marries, he has fulfilled half of the religion; so let him fear God regarding the remaining half.” [Bayhaqi]
Pray istikhara for guidance on this issue and ask Allah to send you someone pious if you start to incline toward marriage.
Please see these links on the rulings of marrying:
Is Marriage Haram For Some People? by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Is Marriage Obligatory?
Do I Have to Get Married?
Depression
I am more concerned about your mental health than I am about your desire to stay single. It is excellent that you are seeing a psychiatrist, but I caution you that if she is non-Muslim, you may have to double-check her instructions with a Muslim scholar. Please use the following resources to battle your depression and recall this verse from the Quran, “Surely those who say, “Our Lord is Allah,” and then remain steadfast, the angels descend upon them, ˹saying,˺ “Do not fear, nor grieve. Rather, rejoice in the good news of Paradise, which you have been promised.” [Quran, 41:30]
Related:
Being Depressed? Or Hoping for the Best?
Depression and Sadness
What Should I Do if I Feel That Life Is Not Worth Living?
How to Get Rid of Suicidal Thoughts and Depression?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.