Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
My husband has separated his bedroom from mine. His parents might have told him to do this. I have discussed and got upset several times but he still has no reason for it. Now I don’t want to dress up for him or approach him.
I have a toddler to look after and because of him she is affected. I would have slept with him in the other room but it’s uncomfortable for me and the baby and I can’t leave my baby alone in another room. What should I do?
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your situation and pray that it resolves quickly. Sleeping in a separate bedroom is a bad marital habit that affects everyone.
Be Kind
I want to tell that you the best way to get through to your husband is by being kind and sweet. “Getting upset several times” can push a man away and you need to fix this quickly.
First, sit down and discuss with him that you are sad (not angry) at his leaving the bedroom. Ask him kindly, just once, what his reason is. If he doesn’t give one, crying is usually more effective than yelling.
Possible Reasons
Does the baby bother him at night? This usually sends many men off to other rooms to sleep. A crying baby doesn’t give them the rest they need to work.
Is he upset with you? Were you mean to him, or did you insult him or not listen to him? If this is the case, do you need to apologize and mend your ways?
Is there a problem with your hygiene? Are you smelling fresh and nice when you sleep? Have you removed your bodily hair? Are you wearing nice pyjamas or lingerie? Be sure to be in tip-top shape when you go to bed at night.
If there is a problem in him, and he is too embarrassed to say it, just leave him alone for a while, but tell him that you are here to support him and help him.
Patience and Perseverance
I think the best thing for you to do is focus on what Allah wants of you. Fulfill your obligations to Him, Most High, and to your husband, with patience and perseverance and Allah will take care of the rest. Leave it in His hands.
Allah Most High says, “You who believe, seek help through steadfastness and prayer, for God is with the steadfast.” [Quran, 2:153] And “You who believe, be steadfast, more steadfast than others; be ready; always be mindful of God, so that you may prosper.” [Quran, 3:200]
Try to be the best wife. It was said, “O Messenger of Allah, what type of wife is best? He said, may Allah bless him and give him peace, ‘The one who makes (her husband) happy when he looks at her, and she obeys him if he instructs her to do something, and she does not do anything with regard to herself or his wealth in a manner of which he does not approve’” [Ahmad]
Ustadh Salman Younas recommends the following steps:
- Supplicate to God and ask Him to create love and harmony in your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of sincere supplication.
- Continue playing your part in trying to improve your sex life by, for example, dressing up for your husband, attempting to initiate sex, being playful, and so forth.
- Try your best to make other aspects of the marriage enjoyable and fun, such as going out, talking, having dinner together, etc. While this may not be easy to do given what has been described, positivity outside the bedroom may stimulate positivity in the bedroom.
- Have an open and serious conversation with your husband. Communication is important and it is essential that your husband understands how this is making you feel. Try to ensure the conversation is positive, not aggressive or negative.
- Seek professional counseling if you need to.
Please see these readings:
A Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah
My Husband Refuses to Sleep Next to Me. What Do I Do?
What Advice Can You Give for a Woman Whose Husband Does Not Want to Be Intimate With Her
May Allah give you tawfiq to form good marital habits and bless your family.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.