Question: My mother advises me to not look for marriage until am independent and financially stable. I am currently jobless. I was sure that I wanted to marry a man, but I did not get my family’s support, which really drained me. I feel so bad for the guy, and I do not know what to do honestly.
Answer:
Assalamu alaykum,
Thank you for your question. I pray that Allah helps you through this and lets your mother understand your perspective and compromise with you.
Financial Stability
I do not think that I need to tell you that you do not need to be financially stable before you get married. It is obligatory for a Muslim man to support his wife, and she does not need to prepare for marriage with money, rather he does. A Muslim woman should prepare herself for marriage by preparing emotionally, learning her rights and responsibilities, and picking up some skills for household duties.
It sounds like your mother is fearful concerning your well-being and fears that a man will marry you and then drop you. This pessimistic and paranoid viewpoint will not help you in marriage, and you should communicate with her honestly and openly. Tell her that her demands are unreasonable and delaying marriage, for this reason, is not right. Forgive me, but is she mentally unstable or a worrywart? It is uncommon to see a mother stop a daughter from marriage for this reason. If she is, then please take this into consideration.
Consent
If I were in your shoes, I would appeal to my father. You can marry with your father’s consent, but try not to step on your mother’s toes and be rude about it. Try to acquire her consent by being persistent, yet kind and patient. Have your father, other elders, or even an imam talk to her about it. Let her meet the man and his family and give him a second chance.
Istikhara
Before deciding whether to pursue or not, pray the Prayer of Seeking Guidance (istikhara) about what to do. Also, pray the Prayer of Need:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/istikhara-the-prayer-of-seeking-guidance/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/how-does-one-perform-the-prayer-of-need-salat-al-haja/
If you have prayed Istikhara and feel that his man is the right one for you, consider taking your father’s consent and blessing and moving forward.
Prepare Yourself
It is very easy to get married but not easy to be a good wife. My advice to all single Muslims is to take a free course at Seekers on Islamic Marriage so that you can learn your rights and responsibilities and act accordingly. Preparing oneself for marriage is the greatest thing that you can give your spouse, and I hope that Allah sends you what is best for you when you place your trust in Him.
May Allah give you tawfiq, ease, and happiness in your marriage process, with whomever it may be. Please see this course:
https://seekersguidance.org/courses/marriage-in-islam-practical-guidance-for-successful-marriage/
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.