Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
I met a boy at university and naturally gravitated to non-Muslim boys because the men in my family are abusive. So when I was younger I didn’t want to be with a Muslim man. This boy has helped me through hard times in life and has alhamdulillah been my shoulder to cry on because I have been through a lot! This is why I cannot understand why Allah would put him in my life if I can’t marry him. He genuinely seems to be good for me so I’m confused. He treats me well and respects me. He is aware of my abusive past and allows me to overcome trauma in a healthy way.
Over time I have fallen deeply in love with him. I refuse to be with anyone else. Why is he in my life? I do not want to marry a non-Muslim, but I want to marry him. This is beyond my control and I am too weak to walk. How can I ask Allah to convert him? In Islam, does Allah put people in your life that can convert, because I’ve tried to walk away but life keeps putting us in the same situation?
Thank you for your honest question. I am first sorry to hear that you have had to deal with abuse from the men in your family. Please know that Islam, in no way, condones nor encourages domestic abuse. On the contrary, the Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “The best of you is the one who is best to his wife, and I am the best of you to my wives.” [Ibn Majah]
That being said, a victim normally does turn to someone for help. In your case, you ended up falling in love with a non-Muslim. First, you should make repentance (tawba) for getting close to this boy. Talking with and looking at the opposite sex unnecessarily is considered fornication of the tongue and eyes. There are two options for you now:
You can completely turn away from this boy and discard the thought of marrying him. This would require a tremendous amount of patience with the pain you will feel. This will require resolve and determination because marrying a non-Muslim man is prohibited in our religion and is akin to fornication. This will require deleting his phone number, cutting him off, praying to Allah to help you through this and giving it some time to move on.
You can explain to this boy that he needs to convert in order to have any future with you. If he truly loves you, and opens his heart to Islam, he may well love to become a believer. Thereafter, he should begin to learn his religion, begin to pray five times a day, learn to fast, learn to read the Qur`an with the meaning, pay zakat and learn about the permissible and impermissible (halal and haram) in our religion. Most converts are advised to wait a year before doing a marriage contract (nikah). Here is link about new converts that can be of benefit:
New Converts: Do What You Can, But Strive to Do Better
Can New Muslims Hold the Qur’an and Recite from It During Prayer?
No Third Option
There is no third option. Please pray istikhara about what to do, and open your heart to following guidance from Allah and not your own whims. There is no need to ask why Allah put him in your life. It may be that Allah wanted him to become Muslim. It may be a test for you. It may be another reason. You are now only responsible for how you react. You need to make a decision and move forward.
Do not be tempted to continue this relationship without legitimizing it. If you can’t, then end it because it will be better for you. The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “You will never leave something for the sake of Allah, but Allah will give you something better in return.” [Ahmad]
May Allah give you both success and guide you to the best.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.