Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I’ve been a Muslim convert for over a year. I fell in love with a guy and then found out he was married. Then he lied to me again, saying her wife died, and I believed him. Regardless, I assisted him financially because I didn’t want to lose him. He tried too hard to get me to sleep with him, but I refused. He eventually convinced me to sleep with him.
I am deeply saddened and hurt. As a Muslim, I want to have a nikah with him, and I wanted a nikah even when I was a Christian. I simply want to live as a family.
Please give me some suggestions. How should I proceed? Are we both sinners, despite the fact that I desperately wanted to be married before having sex and had even told him so? May Allah grant me the ability to put an end to my problems and live a peaceful life.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I am saddened and disappointed to hear of your situation. May Allah help you to see through this man and do something good for yourself and your family. Your mother is correct to be upset and she wants to protect you from harm. Let her protect you and listen to her.
The Truth
This man has used you, lied to you, made you into a fool, and disrespects you still. He doesn’t love you, he only lusts after you. Know the difference. You are unimportant to him, he only cares slightly about this wife and children. He can’t control his desires and therefore places no value on his wife or children by his unfaithfulness. He does not fear Allah, and he is happy to engage in what is prohibited (pre-marital sex). He has no loyalty except to his own lustful fulfilment.
Ask Yourself
Does this man pray five times a day? Does he go to the Friday prayer? Does he know his personally obligatory knowledge and apply it? Does he pay the obligatory zakat? Does he stay away from the strictly prohibited (haram)? Is he exemplifying the sunna of the Prophet? Does he care about anything other than his satisfaction? Does he respect your money? Has he any integrity or dignity? Did he deserve your virginity? Does he think it works to live a double life?
Steps
You must immediately cut off all contact with this man and tell him it’s over. You must delete his phone numbers, emails and delete him on Facebook. Promise never to contact him again. I recommend the following to you:
- Please turn to Allah in the last third of the night to help you move on from the pain. Pray The Prayer Of Need every day to get this demonic man out of your heart;
- Make tawba (repentance) for your sin. Please read these links:
A Reader on Tawba (Repentance)
What Are the Conditions of Making Tawba?
Repentance from Fornication; - Take a course to learn your obligatory knowledge and apply it;
- Do not approach any other man for little while, you need to get over this first;
- Establish a daily recitation of Quran, or other daily invocation (dhikr);
- Spend time with your family and reconnect with them. Appreciate them for their concern;
- Get some physical exercise and fresh air every day, eat healthy and take your supplements. Purify from the inward and outward. Think clearly;
- Find some religious Muslim friends who are good company and have a positive influence on you. From now on, you want to bring out your better self;
- Finally, thank Allah because it could have been worse. Alhamdulillah, you are not pregnant. You are still young enough to find a kind, pious man who can give you all your rights. You still have an opportunity to change yourself, leave your past behind, a raise a happy Muslim family who puts Allah first.
To answer your question, yes, it is punishable on the Day of Judgment to lie because it is an enormity. He must make tawba (repent) as well for his lying and fornication (zina).
The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “I enjoin you to be truthful, for truthfulness leads to righteousness and righteousness leads to Paradise. A man may continue to tell the truth and endeavor to be truthful until he is recorded with Allah as a speaker of truth. And beware of lying, for lying leads to wickedness and wickedness leads to Hell. A man may continue to tell lies and endeavor to tell lies, until he is recorded with Allah as a liar.” [Bukhari; Muslim]
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.