Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
My husband recently started going onto various dating sites and apps. I found out about it once before when a lady sent him a picture of her in her lingerie. We spoke about it, and he apologized and said it wouldn’t happen again. I have now found out that he is going on more sites, and I don’t know if he is meeting anyone, although I can gather he is speaking to other females. He does not know I know, and I have confronted him again, but he still says he isn’t. What should I do?
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration, and I pray that you can come to a solution together and that his habit ceases.
Unlawful
Abu Huraira reported Allah’s Messenger (Allah bless him and give him peace) as saying, “Allah fixed the very portion of adultery which a man will indulge in. There would be no escape from it. The adultery of the eye is the lustful look, and the adultery of the ears is listening to voluptuous (song or talk), the adultery of the tongue is licentious speech, and the adultery of the hand is the lustful grip (embrace), and the adultery of the feet is to walk (to the place) where he intends to commit adultery, and the heart yearns and desires which he may or may not put into effect. [Muslim]
This behavior from your husband is unacceptable and unlawful. It may have arisen from a habit or addiction from the past, and this will take a lot of effort and patience on your part to help him break it. This is a form of infidelity, and it takes a lot to recover from such a thing, but not it is not impossible. I recommend you pray Istikhara and the Prayer of Need for guidance on this matter.
Bonding
Meanwhile, I encourage you to bond with your husband and take every means possible to strengthen your marriage. Take a free course with us on the spirit of Islamic marriage, pray for him to change at tahajjud time, ask him to go with you to the mosque, and find religious families that you befriend. Join circles of knowledge and remembrance, and seek to transform your environment. Ask him to unplug more often, spend time with family and friends, and even volunteer together for charity.
Options
Although this can be a painful process, it is praiseworthy that you forgive and forget, and it is possible for him to break out of this problem and be a good husband and father. That being said, the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “The believer is not stung from the same hole twice.” [Bukhari & Muslim]
If you see strong signs of him not changing and the situation worsens, you should consider your options and decide whether you should stay. You know him best, and only you can make this decision. Please consult his family, your family, pious friends, local scholars, and elders on this.
Resources
Please use these resources as your first step to fixing this problem:
Course Suggestions:
Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
Making Love Last: Prophetic Principles for a Successful Marriage
Answer Suggestions:
Istikhara Prayer
Prayer of Need (Salat al-Haja)
How Do I Deal With My Unfaithful Husband and Trust Him Again?
Cheating Husband
Can I Spy on My Husband?
Love, Marriage, and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
Book Suggestions:
Chapman, G: Five Love Languages Revised Edition
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Handbook of a Healthy Muslim Marriage
Article Suggestions:
What Makes A Marriage Work – Shaykh Hamza Yusuf
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.